Fish Brain Clan (2) Onagite

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I waited for him to say my name. Pastor Ishi waited. The whole congregation waited. But James just stood there and confirmed, to my horror, that he actually called Amaka’s name. I wanted to die! No, it wasn’t possible; it had to be a dream. Maybe people didn’t hear. Maybe James’ microphone had not really worked.

Then I heard people murmuring.

The microphone had worked. They heard and they were now talking about me, laughing at me, saying “shey she wants to marry?” They were already tweeting and updating their Facebook status. My social life was dead!

God! How could James do this to me? Why did they pin that stupid microphone to his suit? God, why did you even create that thing called Amaka?

Tears burned my eyes and I felt a fever coming. Before I could stop myself, I was hyperventilating and my hands were shaking my bouquet. I felt like throwing up.

Oh please biscuit and banana, stay down in my stomach. Please stay down. Don’t add to my shame.

“Uhm…” Pastor Ishi spoke up into his microphone, addressing the whole church as he adjusted his collar and prayer shawl. “Due to…” he sighed, adjusted his geek glasses. “Due to recent developments, the wedding’s been cancelled.”

A low murmuring of human voices spread around the church.

“Please, can I have absolute silence? Thank you. As I was saying, the reception is scheduled to hold at Four Points. If you’re up to it, you can still go there and enjoy the buffet. Having said that, on behalf of the Edafetanures and the Bakos, I sincerely apologize for any inconveniences. As you return to your various destinations, I pray the Lord grants you journey mercies in Jesus’ name. Thank you.”

God! So my wedding is over before it even started? Jesus, who swore for me?

My heart wanted to literally pop out of my chest with the way it was racing. All I kept saying in my head was “please, stay inside, banana and biscuit,” as I felt my breakfast coming to my mouth. Gratefully, my elder brother, Oyibo came to my rescue and whisked me out of the church through the nearest exit but before we got outside, I had puked all over my dazzling Kosibah gown.

“Gite!” I heard James call my name and I turned to see him coming behind me.

“You have the audacity to follow her?” Oyibo raged, advancing towards him. I stepped in-between them.

“Gite, I am sorry,” James said and I felt that involuntary movement rising from my pits again. “Can we go somewhere private and talk?”

Somewhere private? Is this guy insane?

“She is not going anywhere!” Oyibo tried to pull me away, but again it was too late. My mouth forced open and I puked on James.

It was supposed to feel good but it didn’t. A crowd had gathered to watch us but the church security, God bless them, quickly locked the doors. Oyibo took my hand and dragged me away from James to the parking lot.

As the car raced out of the church premises, Oyibo began shouting at me.

“I told you!” He hit the steering and honked at a commercial bike. “I told you but Onagite, God forbid that you should ever listen to me!”

Up to this moment, I had not shed a tear. All I wanted was James. I wanted to break down in his arms. I braced the long ride to Ikeja as Oyibo went on and on and on about how stupid I had been with James. He was right, he was harsh but I did not cry.

When we got to Oyibo’s house, he led me to the guest room. As he opened the windows to let in sunlight, I listened to the sounds of Lagos outside and was brought back to the reality of my situation. I wondered if James was thinking of me or facing the heat with Pastor Ishi. The latter had to be the case.

“He used to say all the beauties of the world put together paled in comparison to mine and that he wouldn’t give me up if all the riches on earth were given to him,” I said to Oyibo. “Do you think the whole time we were together, he was thinking of Amaka, just like he did in the church just now?”

“Of course!” Oyibo exclaimed.

“I know how easily guys can code stuff. Was Amaka a code name for me? Clearly, she’s a symbol of love to him, so it could mean that when he said her name, he was just trying to tell me how much he loved me.”

Oyibo could have bashed my head in with the way his eyes burned me but he simply headed towards the door. “I’m going back to get Susan and the boys from church.”

My phone rang, it was James. Oyibo turned and looked at me threateningly.

“Don’t you dare!” he growled.

I answered the call. “James?”


Then I broke down.


Facebook status update Tagged: James Haliru Bako

To set the record straight for all you bad belles running your mouths and poking your ugly noses in my relationship status, James did not call any Amaka’s name at the altar. He simply said ‘Max’ and Max does not in any way refer to Amaka. It’s a pet name for my massive onion tush. James and I are still together and hope to finish what we started. All you useless amebo[1] old-timers, instead of using me to get more twitter followers, please get creative and use your spare time to find your own husbands.

I updated my status and flung my phone on the bed and waited for James. He pinged me about two minutes later.

I tot u were done wit d internet wars


Gite, so all d beggin I’ve bin doin 4 d past 5days is nt enuf

u havnt yet scratchd d surface of ur knees dats y u stil hav mouth

let me com n c u nau?


k. wat els do u want?

I paused. Let me see…he apologized on Facebook and Twitter, apologized to the whole church, paid transport fares for my friends who came from outside Lagos, bought me a brand new car, a bigger and blingier engagement ring and finally made me signatory to one of his accounts. Hmmm…. What else do I want?

4get amaka!

I hav

court marriage ASAP!

I tot we said we’d wait

U stil luv d bitch! Fk u!

I flung my phone on my bed again and burst into tears. I had been crying like this for days, holed up in Oyibo’s guest room, not talking to anyone and appearing only for dinner. When my nephews and sister in-law, Susan, tried to make small talk with me, I just nodded or shook my head. I tried on a smile once but it came out grotesque and scared the boys. So I wore a long face throughout and listened to Cece Winans for comfort and Celine Dion for torture. Susan gave me a Kenneth Haggin book, How to Win Over Pain but I pushed it under my pillow and read romance stories off the web instead. At night I had nightmares of James trying to kill me. He would float into the room like a ghost and try to choke me to death. When his hands close in on my neck, I’d wake up screaming. Oyibo would run into the room and hold me while I cried myself senseless. Most times, he put me to sleep himself and slept beside me like we used to as kids.

On the sixth day, Susan brought a doctor friend who looked into my inability to keep any food down. I had lost 10kg and had all these spots on my face. The doctor ran some blood tests and promised to return the next day with results but she gave me vitamins which I flushed down the toilet. I didn’t want to get better unless James got back to me, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to see me the way I was and think he had power over me.

Growing up with my mother, she had all these rules about men but I remembered three in particular:

  1. Don’t ever shed a tear for any man.
  2. Don’t ever let a man control you.
  3. Don’t ever buy a car without a test drive.

When I asked her what the last one meant, her answer was simple: “stop asking me stupid questions!” Then she taught me all about ‘cars’ and how to change ‘gears’. I was only ten.

My mother single-handedly raised my brother and me. I would like to say that she worked really hard but all she ever did was either lie on her back or bend over. Oyibo hated her for what she did and I’m sure if he was in some foreign country, he would have become a serial killer whose obsession would be centered on prostitutes.

Me, I didn’t follow her way. At least, not in the beginning. Her money was enough to put us through secondary school but the moment we got into uni, we were on our own. While Oyibo did odd jobs to make ends meet, I dated the richest boys on campus and didn’t care if they had girlfriends. In my fourth year, I had mastered my art and dug my claws into some maga[2] in Port Harcourt who had a wife and two kids that lived in France. When the relationship ended and he finally moved back to France, he left me with a lot of money. At this point, any sensible girl would count her blessings and remain stable but not Onagite. I loved ‘gears’ more than my mother did; Michael Schumacher had nothing on me. By the time I turned twenty-five, if you went to a bar and saw five guys sitting around a table, chances were, I had slept with at least three of them. As long as they were packing heat in their pockets and in their boxers, I was good to go. My philosophy was if you wan chop frog, kuku ma chop the one wey get belle.

Before I turned thirty I was engaged and jilted twice. The first engagement ended when mandatory pre-wedding blood tests confirmed that I was five weeks pregnant. The problem was my fiancé at that time had not slept with me. I was carrying another man’s child and didn’t even know it. The second engagement ended a month before the wedding when I got a call from London from my supposed fiancé who secretly packed and left without telling. He told me that he was living with a British girl who was pregnant for him and wasn’t ever coming back to Nigeria.

I was devastated and decided it was time to pack up shop. Destination: Lagos. But fate had plans for me as it put me in the same plane with Pastor Ishi who preached to me for the whole fifty-five minutes. By the time we arrived Lagos, I was a changed person. I had no desire to go back to my old life. I started attending church judiciously and there I met James. I knew when he started dating Amaka, thanks to the tatafo[3] sisters in the church who had no job than to set serious P on fine, loaded guys. When James and Amaka broke up and James was in the market again, he wasted no time in zooming in on me. It was obvious I was his rebound crush but it felt good to finally have the man I had been secretly dying for. Before long, we started dating. But I had another man in my life. His name was Derrick. He was broke, struggling with his music career, cooked mean Calabar soups, was my best friend, younger than me, made me feel alive and did not hide the fact that he was crazy about me. While James kept a sexless relationship with me, Derrick and I were constantly tempted to take it beyond friendship.

During my eight months with James, he mentioned Amaka once only after I bugged him. He honestly told me he still had feelings for her but she was history. Still he kept a phone he carried around like a lifeline, a shrine dedicated to her with her pictures, videos and text messages; and one afternoon while he napped at my place, he was calling her name in his sleep. Did I confront him again? No. See, at my mature age of thirty-two, you learn to accept the things you cannot change.

On my birthday he took me to see a movie and started asking me about my past, about guys I had dated and how many I had slept with. The wheels in my head started spinning. I was scared. We had never really talked about our pasts and coming to have to face mine and knowing it could cost me the love of my life, I lied like I had never lied before and even put up a you-don’t-trust-me act with tears and all. He laid the case to rest. When he dropped me off at home later, he popped the question with a stunning diamond ring and I accepted. Maybe it was the sugar in the popcorn or all the hugging and excitement but we ended up making love that night.

The next morning before he left, he said we had to get married instantly and that I shouldn’t use any morning-after pill. His requests were strange, so I called Oyibo and shared with him what had happened and he advised me not to listen to James and take the pill and added that James’ motives for rushing into marriage and wanting me pregnant were suspect. That same afternoon, I drove a long distance to see Derrick. We talked all night and drank and the next morning while leaving, I told him I was getting married. He walked me out of his house and later deleted me from his BBM contacts, and blocked me on Facebook and Twitter.

Now, I wanted him. The doctor Susan had brought for me the day before stopped by and confirmed in very cheery voice that I was pregnant. After staring at her blankly for what seemed like forever, I told her to leave me alone. It turned out that when I went to tell Derrick the good news about my engagement, we didn’t only talk but drank a lot and ended up crossing the line from friends to friends with benefits. It was after the shameful act that I decided to heed Oyibo’s warning and I took the contraceptive which boasted of seventy-two hours post-sex coverage. Unfortunately, the pill did not work. Now, the question was whose baby was I carrying?

With my eyes, too gritty and sore from crying, I rested on my back and stared at the ceiling, going through all that happened. It still felt so unreal. I had James back but with the recent turn of events, I wasn’t so sure anymore. My life depicted someone who was lost in a jungle with no one to rescue her. Once in a while a helicopter came by and though I called and shouted and threw flares to be noticed, and though the helicopter came down so low it almost touched me, it would soar up again and disappear, leaving me stranded. Three times! Wow! Something was wrong. Surely I was cursed. Even if I was a victim of my own doing, it had to be someone that swore for me.

Keeping the baby wasn’t a matter for debate. I almost died at the last D & C; the doctor said it would be a miracle if I got pregnant again. I wondered: was it God’s mercy or the doing of a skilled jazzman? Was it punishment for cheating or have my sins of eleven abortions finally caught up with me in a perverse manner?

[1] Amebo – Gossip(s)

[2] Rich guy who spends on a lady for sex in return or just because he’s stupid

[3] Tatafo – Gossip(s)

© Sally@moskedapages Cover Design by @IamAyomiDotun

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Fish Brain Clan

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So many of you haven’t read this and I have been getting countless DMs and emails requesting its release. For those of you who had issues downloading, well worry not. I’ll be releasing all the episodes of Fish Brain Clan and Fish Brain Games on this particular Blog.


It was something right out of a movie scene. I think I even watched it in an episode of Friends, where Ross at the altar, about to say his vows to his fiancée, Emily, called out Rachel’s name instead. It went something like this:

“I, Ross, take you Rachel…”

And I can tell you that the wedding ended right there and then. Seriously, what girl in her right mind would go on to marry a guy who was thinking about someone else other than her at the altar?! Well, I wouldn’t but since I was the other girl whose name was mentioned, I would go right ahead and say ‘I do!’ Hehehehehe.

Like I said, right out of a movie! James called my name in front of Watzhername, her family, his family, all their relatives, their friends, church members and a few wedding crashers—over two thousand people in all. When that faux pas happened, I wasn’t even listening. I was pinging my girlfriend, Fiyin, who couldn’t make it to the wedding because she had an accident and was recuperating at home. I switched myself off from the whole scene and became deaf to all that was going on in the church that day. I had banished James from my heart to some degree. But let me not lie, there were still residue of feelings left.

Oh, rubbish! It’s either you still love someone or you don’t. Truth was I still loved him. Don’t blame me; it wasn’t easy letting go even after three years. We were the perfect couple, match made in heaven, two peas in pod, blah-blah-blah… Everyone thought it was going to be happily ever after for us.

Everyone, except James himself.

He said I had no future ambition. He added that all I cared about were sugar, spice and everything pricey. He even went further to explain that I was going to run him out of business and brain matter with high demands and my endless unwitting and shallow personality. Me, endlessly unwitting? What did that even mean? I know what shallow means; it’s the opposite of deep (correct me if I’m wrong) but unwitting? I still haven’t checked the dictionary for what that word means. But still, who was he to call me names? I mean, did Watzhername have more witting personality than me? I cooked, I cleaned, I hung with some of his friends, I learnt every game he played on his PS3, I learnt to knot a tie, and finally I gave it to him every and anytime he wanted without complaining (don’t tell Pastor Ishi), and on top of everything, I was working! Ehen! I had a job and worked hard for my money! So what was all that misyarning[1] that he was doing?

It all started on Val’s day when he took me out to see a movie. A movie! One day in the year to show love to your sweetheart and you take her to a movie and spend let me see… 3k for the tickets for both of us and 2k for drinks and popcorn… and that was all! I’m not including the set of silver jewelry he got for me. That’s my right. But a movie? Thumbs down, Jamie. Very classy.

So halfway into the movie, he was like, “Amaka, where do you see yourself five years from now?”

I looked around to see if there was another girl around us in that dark movie theatre with a bold name tag AMAKA. There was no one like that. I now started thinking ‘what type of question is this one now?’ It sounded like one of those job interview questions.

Interviewer: Miss Amaka, if we give you this job, where do you see yourself in this company five years from now?

Me: Me? Er…I see myself in an office with a perfect view overlooking the whole of Victoria Island and the Atlantic. Also I see myself at the head of the table in board meetings…

Interviewer: It’s okay, Miss Amaka. You can go now. Thank you.

“Amaka, I’m talking to you,” James gently tapped me.

“Where do I see myself?” I laughed to ease my unease and hit him playfully. “I see myself with you, silly. We’d have a boy by then and a girl on the way, plus our own house somewhere in Lekki with four cars and…”

“No, I meant, where do you see yourself career-wise?”

I frowned. “Jamie, what is all this nah? Are you still insisting that I change my job? I like what I do and my boss likes me and all the guys in the office are very nice to me. I don’t want to work in a bank!”

“I am not asking you to work in a bank. I’m just concerned that you don’t have any future plans for yourself.”

“My future plan is you, boo.” I pouted and rested my head on his shoulder.

He pulled away from me. “Your lack of ambition is really disturbing me.”

My lack of ambition? If only he knew how I planned to build an empire on top of his head. I saw homes and cars and trips to the Caribbean and shopping in Milan and Paris… You don’t get more ambitious than that! mnh-mnh!

“Please tell me you’ll think of what I told you. A life without a plan or purpose is a life doomed for destruction.”

I rolled my eyes. He had started with one of his Oyedepo sayings. I’m not sure that’s exactly what he said but I knew it was an Oyedepo.

“Will you do it for me? Will you take out time to sit and really think about your future outside of me and put down goals you want to achieve in the short term that would propel you into achieving long term goals?”

Hian! I didn’t understand a word he was saying but I nodded. And my dears, that was the beginning of the end for James and me o! I swear, my stepmother is behind our breakup.

So, as we drove out of the cinema that day, he gave me two weeks to be all on my own to plan for my future. And you know what? I did as he wanted. I first handled the short term goals. I went shopping; I bought myself a box of clothes and shoes and some nice jewelry. I mean, a girl needs to look good for the future, right? You can’t face your tomorrow dressed like yesterday. Mark that one people. That saying is an Amaka! And it rings true too. If you’re stuck in your past, change your wardrobe!

Two weeks later, he dropped by to check on me and my future. I mumbled something about owning a boutique just to get him off my back. I can tell you he wasn’t impressed. My Jamie is a no-nonsense boy. When he’s made his mind, there’s no going back. He can be downright mean. He looked me in the face, right into my eyes and said the three words that broke my heart for eight solid months.

“It’s over.”

Okay, that’s two words. Wait…

“It is over.” Yes! It is over. Those were the exact words. Three, short but harsh words that sounded very long that day. What a rotten time that was but thank God I made it. And there I was a year later in one of those big churches in Lagos, pinging my girlfriend while James was securing his own future.

–Fi, dis weddn is borin o! cming home soon

abeg stay bak 4 mor gist

mehn, I cnt. Jamie luks so hawt. cnt stand dat he’s marryin watzhername.

Iz all ur fault nau. u fkd up

I know but…

“Look at her. She’s not even moved. She’s just on her phone.” I heard a woman say in the background but I continued pinging. Her gossiping had nothing to do with me.

“Ashewo!” another whispered.

Ha-ahn. Which kain church be dis? Watzhername is not that bad. She shows off a lot but ashewo? No, Jamie will not marry that type of person. I shut my ears to the whispers and continued pinging Fiyin.

D weddn is even skata-skata. ppl r jus makng noise arnd me. i hav 2tel pst Ishi his congregatn is rude

*batting eye lashes* pst ishi is dere? *covering eyes*

Er… kip ur tots 2ursef, hez celibate n a tru MOG

I paused from pinging Fiyin and checked a Facebook update. Mtsheeew. Just an idiot liking my status. The LED light on my phone blinked and I went back to Fiyin. What a shock I received when I saw this:

Is it tru dat Jamie jus calld ur name at d alta

“Me?” I said out loud and looked up ahead of me. James was still standing, facing Watzhername na. Which one was him calling my name at the altar again? Mehn, Fiyin’s pain medication must be getting her high.

My phone vibrated.


Ansa me


I was trying to make sense of the bombshell Fiyin had sent but I was also now aware of my surroundings as the whisperings increased. To my surprise, I noticed all the people around me staring at me, and like a ripple, the ones that were not, started turning my way after other people whispered to them.

Okay, something was categorically wrong here. I knew I was on my period but I was not known to stain myself and last I checked, I was using both a panty liner and a tampon to be double safe. Yet, I couldn’t help moving my bum this way and that to be sure I was okay. I wished I had come with someone so that they would at least tell me what was going on.

Somehow God heard my prayer. A friend of James who was seated in front, whom I totally changed seats to avoid, turned to me and signaled that I should meet him outside. I consciously stood up, still scared that I was stained, and hurried out of the church that was now rumbling in low voices. I wondered what the noise was all about and why Pastor Ishi was asking James to repeat himself. Outside, James’ friend dragged me to the parking lot and after he was sure no one was looking, he started shouting on me for being a whore.

“Okay wait, Shola,” I turned round. “Am I stained?”

“No,” he replied hurriedly. Not because he was angry but because I didn’t have much on my backside to dwell on. I have full hips and luscious double Ds in front but I can’t shake what my mama didn’t give me. Damn her! She had to take it all.

“You went and slept with James,” Shola accused.

“Me? When?”

“Yesterday, this morning, who cares?! You did it of recent and now he thinks you’re the one he’s saying his vows to! What is wrong with you?!”

“Shola please, talk slowly and explain what is happening. Fiyin just pinged me that Jamie called my name on the altar. For what?”

Shola looked at me like he wanted to bitchslap the cluelessness out of me. If I had flashed my cheeks, he would have done it. While I was with James, he disliked me because he believed I stole James from him; as in, they were not hanging out with the other guys like they used to and James was no longer giving him money to sustain his fake lifestyle.

“Were you on your phone while the solemnization was going on?” Shola asked.

“Which ones is solemnization again?” I asked, annoyed at him for accusing me for sleeping with James, something I kind of wanted to do, ironically.

“See, just because you studied linguistics doesn’t mean you have to be making me look stupid every time. Mtsheew[2] speak normal English jor.”

“I’m talking about the wedding! Give me that phone!” He snatched my BB and explained to me in layman’s terms what James had done. My mouth hung open and I turned in the direction of the church. Then my whole body began to act up like it does whenever I hear bad news. I couldn’t think. I was having problems breathing. My stomach was turning. My head was expanding and shrinking at the same time. My vision was turning black. My knees were shaking and before I could stop myself, I was falling. Yes, I am a fainter and I fainted right on the ground of the parking lot and that stupid Shola did not even catch me. As I fell, I heard him say something like ‘husband snatcher.’ or was it ‘friend snatcher’?

[1] Misyarning – Senseless talk

[2] Mtsheew – A hiss

© Sally@moskedapages Cover Design by @IamAyomiDotun

I hope you enjoyed today’s post. Next week is Watzhername’s side of the story. If you were in her shoes, would you forgive James? If you were James, would you go on with the wedding? If you were Amaka, would you go back to James?

Read on! Fish Brain Clan Two  Three  Four  Five  Six  Seven  Eight  Nine  Ten  Eleven  Twelve

Novocaine Knights #3

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There was nothing he could do. Jordan was sticking to both Eva and Lexus.

“Kasi, if Lexus handle you, your life go reset, I swear!”

Kasi didn’t like the direction the conversation was going but Jordan pressed on.

“That girl, mehn, she’s…” he shook his head for effect. “But seriously, Kasi, you and her never…?”

“Never do wetin?”

Kasi didn’t even want to consider the question. Lexus was his friend. Anything outside that would destroy what they had. Besides, she was not his type; not that he had a particular type. He just loved females, no matter what size, complexion or height they came in. As long as they were feminine, he was game. But for Lexus, it was hard to say where she fit in. She was always dressed to cover her feminine features and she lacked the grace the average woman possessed.

But that was not the point. Jordan was trying hard distract him from the real issue at hand.

“You don ever see her dey do press-ups?” Jordan went on. “My guy, each time she drops down and works those muscles mehn, like say make I just die…”

Kasi had heard enough.

“JD, let’s get serious here, abeg. You know wetin go happen if Eva or Lexus find out?”

“And who wan come tell dem?” There was a raw tone in Jordan’s question. Kasi didn’t have to wait long to hear the inevitable. “I always got your back. I think you should do the same for me.”

“Mother and daughter, JD? It’s not normal na.”

“By whose standards?” Jordan laughed. It was humorless. “Yours? Let me refresh your memory over a certain night in a certain hotel in Bariga.”

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Thou Shalt Not Live By Bread Alone

Fatimah's wandering mind

“Thou shall not live by bread alone.”

Mama Chikordi was a peculiar exception to this injunction because she, quite literally, lived on bread. Her eldest son was a big oga in a big oil company, but whenever he visited, which was often, all he ever gave his mother was a loaf of bread while he handed his father wads of cash.

Now this was exactly how Papa Chikordi liked it. He was the owner of his son and heir; therefore he should enjoy the fruits of his child more. What did Mama Chikordi need more than bread for anyway, what did she need money for? If Chikordi starts giving her envelopes full of cash like he now, she would start to be proud and raise her shoulders at him. Pa Chikordi liked how she had to cajole him every time just so as to get a tiny share out of…

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Novocaine Knights #2

This is two episodes in one. Enjoy

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There was something about Wura that nettled Kasi. She seemed to have the uncanny gift of speaking to his soul through her music. It was as if she saw into his subconscious when he slept and journeyed into his nightmares just to wake him up with the gift of a perfect song every morning to ease his pain. The irony was that they hardly spoke to each other save for the idle banter they had in the house in the company of their other housemates. None of that mattered to him. He was charmed by her voice; it was the type that could win awards if combined with the right songs and music producer. Kasiobi had tried to get her into his studio to drop her first single but his efforts always met a brick wall. She was fine being plain Wura with the beautiful voice that calmed his mind every morning.

And today was no different; she was at it again. The silent huskiness in her rich soprano gave out a melancholic resonance that had him relaxed and staring up at his immobile ceiling fan with wide eyes. But it was the words in the song that arrested him most.

Fools that we are
Covering each and every scar
Of broken dreams
Of bitter fights and screams
No one knows with doors discreetly closed
All except for one tenderly looking on
With those eyes of love…
It’s from the inside out
It’s from the outside in
He’s looking through your lies
Looking through your sin…

The door burst open and Lexus barged in, ending his serene moment.

“Hi player!”

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Hi guys!

This is the final episode of THR33WAY IS NO FR33WAY.

I want to thank Shai for sharing his work with us here. We enjoyed it the whole time through. Shai blogs at
You can catch him on Twitter @shaiontheprowl

I’ll be featuring yet another beautiful writer here this week and subsequent weeks. It’s going to be fun. You don’t want to miss it.

Read previous episodesHERE

He did nothing more than drink and smoke these days. How he learned to smoke or when he began he couldn’t even remember. But, it was one of those things people do when they become stressed. Or so his mind and body told him.

So, he smoked and drank.

His memory had also systematically erased sections of itself, keeping only the most important stuffs. He couldn’t even remember things from a few days back, except of course, his memories of Ozioma and Olamide.

He had also completely withdrawn from people and family. He was always cooped up in the flat, finding no motivation to go into the world and try to pick things up again. However, he still kept awake three nights a week, but he had since stopped praying. He had lost faith in the efficacy of his own prayers. God had forsaken him too, and he was to pay full recompense for the foolishness of his ways. The throwing away of that one golden gift God gave to him to nurture and care for. The house was dirty and unkempt, but he didn’t find it repulsive. His hallucinatory existence didn’t care for the state of cleanliness or otherwise of himself or his abode. He couldn’t care for how it looked anymore. As far as he was concerned, no one lived there.

And no one lived in his other home too.
He was a man who had come to a juncture in his life where there was nothing more to do than to park on the shoulder of the road and enjoy the view. His life had come to a standstill.

So, he drank and smoked. His drinking leaving him almost always in a state of semi-lucidity. It worried his family, and his brother had started coming around again to see after him. Him and his fiancée alternating visits, helping to wash his clothes and make him meals. The last time he came, he had been so worried he had threatened him.

“Haba Izu, what is all this now? You have to pull yourself together or there would be no one else around for Daphne and Ozioma to come back.”
That had been like pouring cold water through a valve in his heart. The mention of his wife and daughter’s name were like barbed arrows poking at him. He had crumpled on the sofa and cried like a baby. He was deliberately wasting himself away, his life had no more value to him when the people he loved where not in it.

“I…can’t…go on. I can’t…go on…without them”

“Man, look here, you’ll have to. I know you are stronger than this. But, you are just letting yourself go and letting everyone down. You ought to put your mind firmly together and look forward to the day you’d see your wife and daughter again.”

“And…and…Olamide too. And…her”

“I am sure she would turn up. You just have to make yourself ready for when they do.”

It had been a painful discussion. But, pain was now the only emotion that existed for him. He welcomed every chance to find himself confronted by, or presented with it.

“I might be forced to report you to mom and dad if you keep this up longer than necessary. Maybe they can talk sense into you.”

He had held his brother’s face between his palms and whispered, “I am sorry, Uche.” He touched the scar where he had marked him in their earlier encounter and the tears began to fall again.

He cried till he fell asleep.

But, he couldn’t stop himself. He continued to drink in hope he would drown himself out. It was the only way he could exist from day-to day. He was anchor-less and his ship was captain less to boot. So, he drank and sat three days before the photographs every week. His heart had not forgotten how to pray, it was just that his mouth had totally forgotten how to form the words. So, he sat there and murmured things. Unintelligible things to the portraits all night. And when the day broke, he resumed his drinking. It was a routine and he never failed for once in the four months after he lost his money to Steve’s business. scheme.

After his talk with Uche, he tried to curtail his drinking and smoking. But, after a few months he couldn’t keep up and reverted. For months he hid it away from him, but he couldn’t hide his glazed eyes and dirty and unkempt house. That went on for months rolling into year. Then
one day Uche came and gave him a long, harsh talk on the same subject of drinking and smoking. This time, Izu had not cried or said anything. He was too far-gone to even reply. He had nothing more to say to the world. He only had things to say to Ozioma and Olamide.

“Izu, I must say I am disappointed. We are looking after you and you refuse to look after yourself,” he stood up to leave, “look at your place, look at yourself. Do you have a death wish?”


One word and Izu had meant every emotion that poured from within him to utter it. Uche had looked at him for a long moment, and in one flash of intuition Izu thought he saw fear in
his eyes.

But, he couldn’t care anymore for that.

Something had to give.

A month later, Uche came back to see him. That day, something had happened to him in the night while sitting before the portraits. It was like something cracked inside him and he lost hope of ever seeing his family again. He woke up very early to begin his drinking and smoking session. He drank ever more than he ever did since, trying to drown out other emotions, to leave himself with just the pain of his loss.

Uche met him at his drink half way to his usual state of stupor, “Izu, you dey fall my hand,” he sat down opposite him with an accusatory look on his face.” You are far better than this and you know it. But, since you are hell-bent on destroying yourself, you left me no choice….”

“Uche, you didn’t call papa and mama?”

He didn’t believe he would carry through his threat to report him. He had only said that to make him stop.

“No, I didn’t.” Izu relaxed and reached for his bottle of St.Remy, “but I reported you to someone else. Two people in fact.”

Something in his tone struck Izu as odd. He wasn’t sure if it was the way he delivered his message or if it was that there was someone else that Uche thought would be able to call him to order, other than his parents. That idea clung to his heart like a ship-wrecked sailor clinging to a floating log for survival.

“What do you…me…mean? Who..dd..i…d…you… you…talk to?”

He saw the tears drop from his brother’s eyes, the pain and the hurt. He saw the deep-lying sense of pity that were reflected in his pupils as he looked into it searching for clues.

“Izu, you gave me no choice. And….”

Izu gripped Uche’s forearm as the door swung on its hinges, and standing there was Ozioma Kate Amadi.

His wife.

And beside her was his daughter, Daphne.

She was crying.

He was crying.

The shame washed over him. She was seeing him at his worst, he could barely stand and could barely talk. But, he found the strength to get up from his seat and approach her.

She was so skinny. She was also very pale andhad deep, etched lines on her face. She looked as worse he for wear after more than two years of separation. But, he still loved her and it was from that emotion he drew the strength to approach her.

He was weeping uncontrollably as he took her in his arms, she was shaking too and was sobbing loudly.

“Oz…Oh, Oz! I am terribly sorry.”

It was amazing how he found his voice and how clear his speech could be. He stood there holding her for a very long time, both their tears mixing together as they drew strength from one another.

Somehow, he could sense she needed him more than he needed her. Her fragility, her weightlessness and her seeming state of hopelessness filled him with fear as he held her.

“Oz…I am terribly….”

“Shuuuush, my love. Shussssh…” and she covered his mouth with hers. They only stopped after breathing became difficult.

“I should be the one making the apologies. But, more importantly, I think you should say hello to your daughter, sir.”

Izu fell to his knees immediately. She had grown taller, a foot or two since the last time he saw her, two years ago.

“How are you, princess?” He held her hand in his.

“I am fine, daddy,” she replied him in a very soft, shy five-year old’s voice.

The emotions washed over him again like a tidal wave. “She remembers me…” the tears were seeping from of the corners of his eyes again,

“She remembers I am her daddy!”

“Of course, she does. You are her daddy and I didn’t let her forget that” Izu led them into the unkempt living room. Now, he was aware of the
state it was in. His glance swept to the portraits. Oz’s eyes also took in the room also, and he could sense her shudder and disapproval at the untidiness. Her eyes also followed his to the two portraits. He saw her sigh, and the glint of tears she was forcing to hold back.

“Look Oz, I am sorry…that I had to keep to ….”

She placed her palm over his mouth.

“Izu, please let me do all the talking.”

And she did. For the better part of two hours, Oz spoke and told him the story. It was a bizarre story of fate, and all through it, they both couldn’t control the tears that streaked down
their faces. Uche had taken Daphne into her old room, to better give them the privacy that their talk deserved.

“Izu, I am very sorry not to confide in you. But, I always thought you took things too much to heart. You are one of those rare, sentimental men who allow their hearts greater control of their heads. I love you for it, I always loved you for it and it was one of the reasons I married you…the other…you know…” She paused and touched his face tenderly,” you know I never for once thought you’d realize what was going on. I thought I would be long gone before either of you realized. On the day Olamide called me, I knew things were going to get difficult between us, she was pregnant and that was a shock for me. I didn’t know things had gone so far and it was a bit too much for me. Moreover, the game was up and my sticking around was only going to complicate things. I knew you loved her, you spoke to her in your dreams,” once again she paused to look at the two portraits. She was so frail was all Izu could think about. Too frail and sickly looking.

“So, I decided to leave you a note to explain everything. Later on, before I left, I chose to write a second note to replace the first. I felt you were not ready….”

“A second note?”

“Yes, the one I pinned to the refrigerator. I edited that one to take out some of the essential details. Once again, I am sorry.” She opened her purse and took out an envelope which she handed to Izu. He took it from her and opened it. Inside the envelope were two sheets of paper covered with that neat scrawl which he knew very well.

Dearest Izu,
I am gone. I am sorry I did what I did. Izu, I love you and still do and it is one way I wanted to leave – u knowing I always loved you that much. But, now the bubble have burst before its time. I am sick, but what you don’t know is that I am fatally sick. I have cancer and treatment is no longer able to manage its growth. I have limited time to live. Long and short, I am going to die.
So, I thought to myself that I couldn’t leave my man and daughter to suffer at the hands of just any woman. So, I decided I was going to help you along the way some. Luckily, there came my old friend and soul-sister, Olamide. And I cunningly led her unknowingly to take an interest in you. The rest you know. I am however unaccustomed to sharing you and you have also been very strange lately. But, know this – I approve of her. I hold her no grudge, but I couldn’t wait around making you both feel miserable because of me. I am of no use to you anymore. I can’t be of much use to Daphne for much longer. But, for the rest of my time I will spend some quality time with her.
Please do not come looking for us. And do not feel guilt as all the guilt is not yours alone to bear.
I will be thinking of you my love.

He finished the letter and let it fall on the seat. He was weak and emotionally drained. He couldn’t believe she had so little life left in her. He couldn’t believe he had spent the past two years of his life in anguish, because she had sought peace and happiness for him when she was gone. It seemed like her scheme had done more damage than good, at least in the two years. He forgave her everything, but was it the only way? He now understood her motives, but he needed to understand why she picked her MO.

“But, Oz why? Why this way? There could have been another way.”

She sighed deeply before replying, “I wanted you and Olamide together. I really did, seeing how I was dying…that I would die and leave you and my baby girl all alone in this world. I couldn’t leave you both to just any woman, and I approved of her. It was why I chose her to be with you. I love her like my sister, Izu. And I can trust her with my life.”

The coin dropped!

And for the second time that evening, the front door creaked open. And for the second time, Izu’s heart constricted and threatened to burst open.

Standing by the day, looking so fresh and as beautiful as she had ever being was Olamide and cradled in her arms was a cherubic faced baby. She stood there, unsure of what to do. The boy snuggled closer to her as he also felt the tension. She looked at Ozioma, who nodded at her as if to encourage her to go ahead with whatever she was about to say. She nodded back at her.

Izu couldn’t believe his eyes. They were speaking in codes and he was the jew-man who knew nothing about what was going on.

“I am sorry Izu. But, I couldn’t keep away from you longer and I couldn’t keep Izuchukwu Jnr. away from his father anymore. He needs you, I
need you…we all need you Izu. Please have us back.”

Again, a coin dropped!!!

Hello Guys,
Finally, this story comes to an end! Thanks for following the story all the way to the end. It has been a joy-ride, yes? This story was borne out of a concept that I had examined many times with friends – whether it was possible for a man to fall in love with two women, the emotions almost same if not entirely same. Interestingly, I have found more women being the nay-sayers, while the men are more inclined to accept its plausibility.
Now, I ask – is this a result of gender
Meanwhile, some of those who accepted the plausibility of this notion based their argument on gender ratio (numerics), religion, culture (polygamy etc). Of course, the argument is ongoing.

What is your own take?

Of course, the whole story can’t be all
perfect . If you spot anything, please do not hesitate to point it out.
It’d be nice to hear your thoughts people.

Does the end of this story capture it the way you have imagined it? Does it even ring true for you? It’d be nice to know what you guys feel after reading this story, or even before.

To my two very good friends – Lizi and Sally, I say thank you for your own angles to the tale. It would have been nice have had you both on this piece, as was planned. There is always another time though.

I have enjoyed writing it, have you enjoyed reading it?

Novocaine Knights #1


He proposed on the third date. An unceremonious proposal. There was nothing romantic in the way he did it, though the environment they were in had the mood set for amorousness and that sort of thing.

It was an exotic restaurant at a private beach. Their table was positioned so close to the ocean they could hear the sounds of splashing waves. A mild but consistent breeze always came and went and at each occasion it played with her hair, slapping the strands across her face and leaving her to struggle with putting it all back in place. She wasn’t really stunning but her face was comely, the type any man would find comfortable in a wife.

And that was one of the many reasons he proposed. She was perfect for him. He knew her story too well but she didn’t know him. She was a woman who had gone through the type of pain he went through, who was not crazy about the glitter and glam of the world, someone who was content with herself and was looking for companionship just as he was. He could easily read the sadness and hidden wildness in her stares; sometimes he felt her beautiful brown eyes were a mirror of his own essence. Maybe they could make each other happy. Love was not in the picture for both of them. She was fine with that. In fact, that was what she put up in her bio on her online profile in a dating website.

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