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Fish Brain Clan

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So many of you haven’t read this and I have been getting countless DMs and emails requesting its release. For those of you who had issues downloading, well worry not. I’ll be releasing all the episodes of Fish Brain Clan and Fish Brain Games on this particular Blog.

AMAKA

It was something right out of a movie scene. I think I even watched it in an episode of Friends, where Ross at the altar, about to say his vows to his fiancée, Emily, called out Rachel’s name instead. It went something like this:

“I, Ross, take you Rachel…”

And I can tell you that the wedding ended right there and then. Seriously, what girl in her right mind would go on to marry a guy who was thinking about someone else other than her at the altar?! Well, I wouldn’t but since I was the other girl whose name was mentioned, I would go right ahead and say ‘I do!’ Hehehehehe.

Like I said, right out of a movie! James called my name in front of Watzhername, her family, his family, all their relatives, their friends, church members and a few wedding crashers—over two thousand people in all. When that faux pas happened, I wasn’t even listening. I was pinging my girlfriend, Fiyin, who couldn’t make it to the wedding because she had an accident and was recuperating at home. I switched myself off from the whole scene and became deaf to all that was going on in the church that day. I had banished James from my heart to some degree. But let me not lie, there were still residue of feelings left.

Oh, rubbish! It’s either you still love someone or you don’t. Truth was I still loved him. Don’t blame me; it wasn’t easy letting go even after three years. We were the perfect couple, match made in heaven, two peas in pod, blah-blah-blah… Everyone thought it was going to be happily ever after for us.

Everyone, except James himself.

He said I had no future ambition. He added that all I cared about were sugar, spice and everything pricey. He even went further to explain that I was going to run him out of business and brain matter with high demands and my endless unwitting and shallow personality. Me, endlessly unwitting? What did that even mean? I know what shallow means; it’s the opposite of deep (correct me if I’m wrong) but unwitting? I still haven’t checked the dictionary for what that word means. But still, who was he to call me names? I mean, did Watzhername have more witting personality than me? I cooked, I cleaned, I hung with some of his friends, I learnt every game he played on his PS3, I learnt to knot a tie, and finally I gave it to him every and anytime he wanted without complaining (don’t tell Pastor Ishi), and on top of everything, I was working! Ehen! I had a job and worked hard for my money! So what was all that misyarning[1] that he was doing?

It all started on Val’s day when he took me out to see a movie. A movie! One day in the year to show love to your sweetheart and you take her to a movie and spend let me see… 3k for the tickets for both of us and 2k for drinks and popcorn… and that was all! I’m not including the set of silver jewelry he got for me. That’s my right. But a movie? Thumbs down, Jamie. Very classy.

So halfway into the movie, he was like, “Amaka, where do you see yourself five years from now?”

I looked around to see if there was another girl around us in that dark movie theatre with a bold name tag AMAKA. There was no one like that. I now started thinking ‘what type of question is this one now?’ It sounded like one of those job interview questions.

Interviewer: Miss Amaka, if we give you this job, where do you see yourself in this company five years from now?

Me: Me? Er…I see myself in an office with a perfect view overlooking the whole of Victoria Island and the Atlantic. Also I see myself at the head of the table in board meetings…

Interviewer: It’s okay, Miss Amaka. You can go now. Thank you.

“Amaka, I’m talking to you,” James gently tapped me.

“Where do I see myself?” I laughed to ease my unease and hit him playfully. “I see myself with you, silly. We’d have a boy by then and a girl on the way, plus our own house somewhere in Lekki with four cars and…”

“No, I meant, where do you see yourself career-wise?”

I frowned. “Jamie, what is all this nah? Are you still insisting that I change my job? I like what I do and my boss likes me and all the guys in the office are very nice to me. I don’t want to work in a bank!”

“I am not asking you to work in a bank. I’m just concerned that you don’t have any future plans for yourself.”

“My future plan is you, boo.” I pouted and rested my head on his shoulder.

He pulled away from me. “Your lack of ambition is really disturbing me.”

My lack of ambition? If only he knew how I planned to build an empire on top of his head. I saw homes and cars and trips to the Caribbean and shopping in Milan and Paris… You don’t get more ambitious than that! mnh-mnh!

“Please tell me you’ll think of what I told you. A life without a plan or purpose is a life doomed for destruction.”

I rolled my eyes. He had started with one of his Oyedepo sayings. I’m not sure that’s exactly what he said but I knew it was an Oyedepo.

“Will you do it for me? Will you take out time to sit and really think about your future outside of me and put down goals you want to achieve in the short term that would propel you into achieving long term goals?”

Hian! I didn’t understand a word he was saying but I nodded. And my dears, that was the beginning of the end for James and me o! I swear, my stepmother is behind our breakup.

So, as we drove out of the cinema that day, he gave me two weeks to be all on my own to plan for my future. And you know what? I did as he wanted. I first handled the short term goals. I went shopping; I bought myself a box of clothes and shoes and some nice jewelry. I mean, a girl needs to look good for the future, right? You can’t face your tomorrow dressed like yesterday. Mark that one people. That saying is an Amaka! And it rings true too. If you’re stuck in your past, change your wardrobe!

Two weeks later, he dropped by to check on me and my future. I mumbled something about owning a boutique just to get him off my back. I can tell you he wasn’t impressed. My Jamie is a no-nonsense boy. When he’s made his mind, there’s no going back. He can be downright mean. He looked me in the face, right into my eyes and said the three words that broke my heart for eight solid months.

“It’s over.”

Okay, that’s two words. Wait…

“It is over.” Yes! It is over. Those were the exact words. Three, short but harsh words that sounded very long that day. What a rotten time that was but thank God I made it. And there I was a year later in one of those big churches in Lagos, pinging my girlfriend while James was securing his own future.

–Fi, dis weddn is borin o! cming home soon

abeg stay bak 4 mor gist

mehn, I cnt. Jamie luks so hawt. cnt stand dat he’s marryin watzhername.

Iz all ur fault nau. u fkd up

I know but…

“Look at her. She’s not even moved. She’s just on her phone.” I heard a woman say in the background but I continued pinging. Her gossiping had nothing to do with me.

“Ashewo!” another whispered.

Ha-ahn. Which kain church be dis? Watzhername is not that bad. She shows off a lot but ashewo? No, Jamie will not marry that type of person. I shut my ears to the whispers and continued pinging Fiyin.

D weddn is even skata-skata. ppl r jus makng noise arnd me. i hav 2tel pst Ishi his congregatn is rude

*batting eye lashes* pst ishi is dere? *covering eyes*

Er… kip ur tots 2ursef, hez celibate n a tru MOG

I paused from pinging Fiyin and checked a Facebook update. Mtsheeew. Just an idiot liking my status. The LED light on my phone blinked and I went back to Fiyin. What a shock I received when I saw this:

Is it tru dat Jamie jus calld ur name at d alta

“Me?” I said out loud and looked up ahead of me. James was still standing, facing Watzhername na. Which one was him calling my name at the altar again? Mehn, Fiyin’s pain medication must be getting her high.

My phone vibrated.

PING!!!

Ansa me

PING!!!

I was trying to make sense of the bombshell Fiyin had sent but I was also now aware of my surroundings as the whisperings increased. To my surprise, I noticed all the people around me staring at me, and like a ripple, the ones that were not, started turning my way after other people whispered to them.

Okay, something was categorically wrong here. I knew I was on my period but I was not known to stain myself and last I checked, I was using both a panty liner and a tampon to be double safe. Yet, I couldn’t help moving my bum this way and that to be sure I was okay. I wished I had come with someone so that they would at least tell me what was going on.

Somehow God heard my prayer. A friend of James who was seated in front, whom I totally changed seats to avoid, turned to me and signaled that I should meet him outside. I consciously stood up, still scared that I was stained, and hurried out of the church that was now rumbling in low voices. I wondered what the noise was all about and why Pastor Ishi was asking James to repeat himself. Outside, James’ friend dragged me to the parking lot and after he was sure no one was looking, he started shouting on me for being a whore.

“Okay wait, Shola,” I turned round. “Am I stained?”

“No,” he replied hurriedly. Not because he was angry but because I didn’t have much on my backside to dwell on. I have full hips and luscious double Ds in front but I can’t shake what my mama didn’t give me. Damn her! She had to take it all.

“You went and slept with James,” Shola accused.

“Me? When?”

“Yesterday, this morning, who cares?! You did it of recent and now he thinks you’re the one he’s saying his vows to! What is wrong with you?!”

“Shola please, talk slowly and explain what is happening. Fiyin just pinged me that Jamie called my name on the altar. For what?”

Shola looked at me like he wanted to bitchslap the cluelessness out of me. If I had flashed my cheeks, he would have done it. While I was with James, he disliked me because he believed I stole James from him; as in, they were not hanging out with the other guys like they used to and James was no longer giving him money to sustain his fake lifestyle.

“Were you on your phone while the solemnization was going on?” Shola asked.

“Which ones is solemnization again?” I asked, annoyed at him for accusing me for sleeping with James, something I kind of wanted to do, ironically.

“See, just because you studied linguistics doesn’t mean you have to be making me look stupid every time. Mtsheew[2] speak normal English jor.”

“I’m talking about the wedding! Give me that phone!” He snatched my BB and explained to me in layman’s terms what James had done. My mouth hung open and I turned in the direction of the church. Then my whole body began to act up like it does whenever I hear bad news. I couldn’t think. I was having problems breathing. My stomach was turning. My head was expanding and shrinking at the same time. My vision was turning black. My knees were shaking and before I could stop myself, I was falling. Yes, I am a fainter and I fainted right on the ground of the parking lot and that stupid Shola did not even catch me. As I fell, I heard him say something like ‘husband snatcher.’ or was it ‘friend snatcher’?


[1] Misyarning – Senseless talk

[2] Mtsheew – A hiss

© Sally@moskedapages Cover Design by @IamAyomiDotun

I hope you enjoyed today’s post. Next week is Watzhername’s side of the story. If you were in her shoes, would you forgive James? If you were James, would you go on with the wedding? If you were Amaka, would you go back to James?

Read on! Fish Brain Clan Two  Three  Four  Five  Six  Seven  Eight  Nine  Ten  Eleven  Twelve

THE NIGERIAN WOMAN AND THE REAL MAN (TEST-THE-TERONE) BY Sally

THE NIGERIAN WOMAN AND THE REAL MAN

The Nigerian woman is like every other woman. She has all the appealing body parts and her anatomy is definitely female but she surprisingly has more to offer.

The Nigerian woman is raised to love, obey, respect, satisfy and nurture her man. From the time her little feet are able to move around and she can use her hands as well, her mother teaches her how to take care of the home. She starts from serving her father and brothers and uncles and at some point when she becomes old enough, her mother leaves the running of the household in her hands. Now, I know we’re in a modern age and westernization has affected us a lot but the females in Nigeria are still expected to serve the males no matter their upbringing, religion or even social status.

The Nigerian woman grows into learning how to cater to the emotional, physical, psychological and sexual wishes of her man. So what is the man’s duty, in return? The obvious answer would be, to provide her needs, be it financially or materially because the general opinion is if you give a Nigerian woman money, then you have made her happy. Seriously, I can’t fault anyone who believes that because of the obvious lifestyles of many female folk today. But let’s just be honest here, a woman needs much more than that. She wants communication, connection and emotional intimacy. The need to be loved and heard and understood never really goes away. Women will always put aside the clothes and jewelry and shoes and find somewhere to cry if they’re not loved. They will always envy that other woman whose man treats her like gold and not a commodity on a stand. They will always find a way to seek emotional gratification when the finer things leave them feeling empty. Yes, more than you know, the Nigerian woman has a heart.

The biggest complain women have today is that Nigerian men are very unromantic. They face love with the same cutthroat manner they face their businesses. Romantic gestures to them are not necessarily acts of love but prelude to sex. Some of them are so caught up in their manliness and ability to be turned on by a woman and act on it, that they believe it is all it takes to be a man. Well, I hate to burst your bubble (if you’re one of said males) that it takes more than a full dose of testosterone to become what a woman needs. Ever wondered why certain men are easily taken in by the female folk? They steal the hearts of not just the girl with the full curves but the frustrated woman selling soft drinks on a tray, the mother-in-law from hell and even the veiled Muslim sister who cannot look into your eyes without bending her head. They have simply learnt the complex language of the Nigerian woman, who surprisingly does not demand much at the end of the day.

All she wants from a world that has obviously lost it is a genuine man. To put it in our language here, she wants a real man.

Who is a real man? Below, I have defined him in very simple terms.

A Real Man Doesn’t Sweat The Small Stuff

The way guys act when they are confronted with trivial issues is something I have always admired. To them, if it’s not affecting their pockets, stomachs and erogenous zones, why bother? What really is the sense in busting your nuts over something that is total BS. There is nothing wrong with a man expressing his emotions once in a while but when he allows them get the best of his thought process, then his estrogen level needs to be checked. Men enjoy a good laugh any day and at their own expense! You’re as short as M.I, someone pokes at your pot belly, your ex calls you broke ‘cause you didn’t buy her a Peruvian… whatever it is, it’s not worth your sweat.

A Real Man Is A Grown Man

There is nothing as off-putting as a man who just would not grow up. Being a man is all about responsibility. Adam was not given the task of screwing the lesser beings in the garden but of taking care of them. Even if a guy has no one to be responsible for, he should be responsible for himself. Proven, women mature faster than men and it takes a longer time for a man who is age mates with a woman to understand the concepts she has already fully grasped, but that doesn’t mean he should go about his life acting like he’s an overgrown baby. Mature men control their emotions and respect the feelings of others. I hate it when I hear men tell their women that the best cook is their mother and no one else will ever cook like her. That is babytalk. Your mother breastfed you, raised you with her tantalizing meals but now you’re a grown man. It is time to create your own life and swing on your own branch of the tree.

A Real Man Is A Gentleman

Opening doors, pulling out chairs, asking a lady what she wants, giving her a helping hand… these things never grow old. “I no be gentleman at all” should never apply when dealing with a woman. A gentleman is not a weakling; he’s a sensitive, kind and passionate soul wrapped in a rock-solid heart and muscular exterior. He has exquisite taste and proper etiquette. He is in control of his temper and his tongue. He respects his woman and generally everyone else around him. In today’s language, he’s a big boy, and it has nothing to do with his paycheck because a gentleman never shows off how much he’s got. He has high moral values and does not go broadcasting his affairs to anyone.  He is not afraid to bare his heart and can easily let his guard down, knowing it doesn’t mean he’s less in any way. Gentlemen are not stupid. No, they are the wisest of the bunch. Wonder why that that girl behind the counter shouted on Guy A and blushed at Guy B the moment he opened his mouth? It was all in a manner of speaking – literally. He spoke and she was mesmerised by how only a “hello” left her feeling all woman.  Refinement and simple courtesy always score big. And finally, a real gentleman does not give and expect something in return; for the sake of his own self-image, it is simply beneath him to go that low.

A Real Man Is Faithful

Big, strong, reliable. We all know that one. But truth is, we hardly ever see him. He’s most times big and strong but not reliable. He says I will be home by nine but comes back the next day. He promises heaven and earth but he’s hell to live with. A faithful man should be like the sun that rises every morning. To the general populace, especially guys, it’s in a man’s nature to whore around. After all, Solomon had a thousand women and was the world’s wisest. I totally understand that argument but the women were the beginning of Solomon’s foolery and what also ended him, as the Bible told it. For those people who are disillusioned, it is a lot of work to cheat than to stay faithful. So keep it simple and stay with one woman at a time. No one knows what goes around these days. HIV/AIDS is just one of them. Ask the man who found himself dead in a dumpster because he screwed the wrong girl.

A Real Man Has Real Money

Money talks and the poor guy gets the boot. Women love to know that their man can provide their basic needs. I am not even going to start bashing those who buy their women expensive stuff; it’s their own prerogative. If you have it and feel she’s worth it, what’s the big hoo-ha? If you don’t have it but can afford a nice pair of earrings once in a while, why not? The point is, earn a living and save some money so you can invest in your tomorrow and enjoy your today. Real money doesn’t have to be in millions or even hundreds of thousands. Real men with real money are blessed men who use their little or much faithfully, and have no added sorrows.

A Real Man Knows How To Work The V

It is said that a man does not multitask, that once he sets his mind on something, he gives it his full attention until he’s done, so how come he is always in such a hurry when he is making love? What is the rush? It is also said that men love adventure, so why on earth is the woman’s body not a new challenge or a voyage worth undertaking? Seriously, why make so much noise about getting there and when you finally get there, you just want to get off? Thank God for the internet with all the info it gives to help the one minute man. It would be atrocious in this day and age for a guy to fail to satisfy his woman.

A Real Man R-E-S-P-E-C-T-S

I am not talking about respecting the womenfolk. I am talking about a man putting a value on himself and making sure he doesn’t lower it for any female. Yes, you’re a man, you have needs and they have to be met, doesn’t mean you have to go after everything that struts by with a vagina. Set your rules and stick by them. Quit the tactless jokes and inappropriate pick-up lines. Have class. Quit settling. Quit being a pushover. Band wagoners always fall off the track because it’s never easy keeping up with the Joneses. The Joneses know why they are the Joneses and are happy being the Joneses, so what is an Olamide or a Hassan doing in their wagon? There is nothing as attractive as a man who stands out in the crowd. He is always exceptional even when his quirks are obvious. Be confident and lastly, cast not your pearls to the pig or she might turn around and rend you.

A Real Man Takes The Lead

Today, we’re in a civilised age with women taking the roles of men, doing better what men do and generally proving that you don’t need to have an Adam’s apple to be an Adam. But the problem is, if it’s not Panadol, it is not the same thing as panadol. Men who know their place, never give their power away. They might lend it out temporarily but a real man always leads the pack. They do not bully, abuse or manhandle people in their care because being the head sometimes means stooping low to carry others on your shoulders. So my point here is, if you’re in a relationship, be the head, even though, we all know what makes the head turn.

A Real Man Dresses To Impress

Finally, this might sound like the most trivial point but it is equally important. I love that guys can just pick something off the rack or bed and slip into it with no worries over whether it matches their shoes or jeans but what makes that attractive is having a wardrobe that looks classy enough to be casually sexy. I am not referring to men that fight for mirror time, wear their girlfriend’s powder and super-skinny jeans and in the end come out looking like they went through a color-riot, gay makeover. And I am not also referring to those men who still wear baggy jeans, deep v-neck shirts and gold necklaces. The whole idea is looking exquisite and manly, and at the same being comfortable. Women are excused when they feel pain in their dressing but a man’s wardrobe should be unrestricted and easy but stylish. As a guy, you love what you see when a woman dresses to impress you. I think it’s only fair if you make the same effort to impress her back.

 

To wrap it up, a real man, as a said earlier is a real man and he can’t fake it. He is not apologetic for who he is as part of the male species and enjoys his masculinity immensely. He loves sports, hangs out with other guys, does not have too many words in his vocabulary, is not crazy about nurturing, has no idea what it means to multitask and unashamedly appreciates the beauty of the opposite sex whenever they walk by. In conclusion, when he loves his woman, he does so unrepentantly and that is simply what a Nigerian woman needs.

Are you a real man?

 

© Sally

In A World That’s Dissappearing – condoms for kids?

Growing up in a conservative Christian home as a minister’s kid, there were certain things we never talked about and number one on the list was sex. When I had my first period, my mom went like, ‘now if a man touches you, you will get pregnant,” and that was it for Sex Education 101. At school, some of my friends told me that if you use the same toilet boys used, you could get pregnant because they leave sperm on the toilet seat and they can swim and get into you. If you asked me what went on during sex, I would have probably told you that adults rub their bodies together on the bed, under the blanket and that was all. Of course, I knew there was more to it but once you’re naïve, you are naïve until… well, until you stop being naïve.

Eventually, I knew all about sex from Mills and Boon, TV, friends, school and other educative media but to be honest, I wished my parents had sat me down and told me all about it. Yeah, well, thinking of it now, that could have scarred me but seriously, it would have helped a great deal. I am sure my story’s not just peculiar to me alone but to a lot of youth from my generation. I met some friends though, who told me their parents gave them graphic details but that is just a small fraction of the population. In countries like the United States, giving your child ‘the talk’ is a normal thing every parent has to go through. I know some don’t but most of them do and in my opinion, that is the best way to prepare a child for the world of sex he or she is going to have to face. In Nigeria, we have a big problem facing us and there is this hypocritical air that we float in that we have termed ‘African culture or tradition’ that is destroying us. How many times have I heard in Africa, we don’t do this or that. It’s for the white man. Our religious institutions would rather talk about 100 ways to kill the devil than properly teach teens about sex.

Now, for those of you who don’t know, there are now condoms offered to twelve year olds in Switzerland and a school in Massachusetts in the States was also considering sharing free condoms  to their twelve year olds and i think it is now available so you can order it and it would be delivered to your home (not in Naija). Now, I have two thoughts on this issue. Like most people, when I first got wind of this information, I was worried and a lot of bad thoughts as to how this could go wrong for the future generation bugged my mind. First, what does a twelve year old know about sex? I mean, in this child’s mind, is he/she saying, ‘I’m making love to this person because I am matured enough to be in charge of my emotions, my mind, my spiritual and physical expressions at the moment’? or is he/she just ‘doing’ as the world has told him/her that that is what sex is all about—just doing. Meaning, it’s all about the pleasure. And I ask again: for twelve year olds, is sexual pleasure made complete in their underdeveloped bodies or does the word spring up because they’re told they have to enjoy it?

Secondly, with the increasing number of pedophiles and sick, perverted adults in our society, is it wise to get a child sexually active at this age, making it easy for these beasts to prey on them. Of course, child abuse has been an issue as old as time. I remember being in a salon somewhere and it amazed me how every girl there (about eight of us) had been abused during childhood. All the same, do we make it a free-for-all for pedophiles that live and breathe amongst us?

After considering the above (not the photo), I calmed down and revisited the the condom issue and looked at it conversely and I began to see, though vaguely, from that point of view and these were my deductions. Sex is everywhere. It’s on TV, internet, radio, phones, newspapers, posters, billboards, cinema…  everywhere! I’m certain even my eleven month old has been exposed to it on TV despite all my protectiveness and who knows what has sipped into her brain that even I could not stop. The other day, a video about a teenage girl and a four year old boy having sex was made available for download on the web and before that, a photo of a four and six year old having sex under a table also went viral. Somewhere in the South-west, last year, a ten year old girl had a baby for her boyfriend, a twelve year old boy. Cases like these are not isolated and are becoming rampant around the world, especially now when we have grandmothers from the ages of twenty-four and twenty-five. In the midst of all this, these children are now very exposed to HIV/AIDS and a host of other deadly STDs. And if that be the case, doesn’t it become imperative to encourage the practice of safe sex as against forbidding them from being around the opposite sex and acting like sex just doesn’t exist around them? Now, before you go biting my head off, that was just a thought. I don’t think any sane individual would ever imagine their eleven or ten year old having sex and encourage them into it.

Wow! Having considered both sides of the argument, my conclusion is that in these times, parents and guardians have the grave but very important responsibility of properly tutoring kids about sex. About the timing, it is a matter of personal choice. Children who come from homes where sex is not seen as a taboo or a meaningless act just for pleasure will often face the adult world with a grounded and rounded approach to their sexual issues. Telling a child sex is bad, makes that child only want to do it and when he/she does it and enjoys doing it, then it becomes all about pleasure and the end result is meaningless sex and yes, the even best of us, as much as we want to deny it, know that it is not always all about the pleasure. It is a conscious, mature decision to share oneself with another and if we go giving condoms to twelve year olds who are not mature enough to comprehend this, we can as well be snatching them away from the playgrounds and throwing them into brothels and with our very eyes, we will watch them follow our steps and hand condoms to three year olds in the very near future.

Maybe I am too extreme with my thoughts. I really would love to hear what you think.

a collection of thoughts by Chukky Chux

to the palm tree

(for cara mia)

 

If i love you –

I’ll never be like a banyan tree,

Displaying myself on your crown;

If i love you –

I’ll never mimic the infatuated birds,

Repeating the same monotones song for green shade;

Or be a spring,

Gushing cooling comfort;

A perilous peak,

Enhancing your height and dignity.

Unlike the sunlight,

Unlike the rain;

None of these suffice!

I must be a coconut tree,

The image of a tree by your side.

Our roots, closely intertwined below,

Our leaves, touching in the clouds.

When a gust of wind brushes past,

We will greet each other,

No one else can

Understand our language.

You’ll have bronze branches, an iron trunk,

Like knives, swords and halberds;

Or valiant torches.

Together, we’ll share

The cold storms and thunderbolts,

Together, we’ll share

The mist, rosy clouds and rainbows.

It seems we’ll always be separate,

Yet we’ll depend on each other.

Only this can be called profound love,

Wherein lies the faithfulness:

Loving not only your greatness,

But also the place where you stand,

The earth beneath your feet!

Continue reading a collection of thoughts by Chukky Chux