Fish Brain Clan

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So many of you haven’t read this and I have been getting countless DMs and emails requesting its release. For those of you who had issues downloading, well worry not. I’ll be releasing all the episodes of Fish Brain Clan and Fish Brain Games on this particular Blog.

AMAKA

It was something right out of a movie scene. I think I even watched it in an episode of Friends, where Ross at the altar, about to say his vows to his fiancée, Emily, called out Rachel’s name instead. It went something like this:

“I, Ross, take you Rachel…”

And I can tell you that the wedding ended right there and then. Seriously, what girl in her right mind would go on to marry a guy who was thinking about someone else other than her at the altar?! Well, I wouldn’t but since I was the other girl whose name was mentioned, I would go right ahead and say ‘I do!’ Hehehehehe.

Like I said, right out of a movie! James called my name in front of Watzhername, her family, his family, all their relatives, their friends, church members and a few wedding crashers—over two thousand people in all. When that faux pas happened, I wasn’t even listening. I was pinging my girlfriend, Fiyin, who couldn’t make it to the wedding because she had an accident and was recuperating at home. I switched myself off from the whole scene and became deaf to all that was going on in the church that day. I had banished James from my heart to some degree. But let me not lie, there were still residue of feelings left.

Oh, rubbish! It’s either you still love someone or you don’t. Truth was I still loved him. Don’t blame me; it wasn’t easy letting go even after three years. We were the perfect couple, match made in heaven, two peas in pod, blah-blah-blah… Everyone thought it was going to be happily ever after for us.

Everyone, except James himself.

He said I had no future ambition. He added that all I cared about were sugar, spice and everything pricey. He even went further to explain that I was going to run him out of business and brain matter with high demands and my endless unwitting and shallow personality. Me, endlessly unwitting? What did that even mean? I know what shallow means; it’s the opposite of deep (correct me if I’m wrong) but unwitting? I still haven’t checked the dictionary for what that word means. But still, who was he to call me names? I mean, did Watzhername have more witting personality than me? I cooked, I cleaned, I hung with some of his friends, I learnt every game he played on his PS3, I learnt to knot a tie, and finally I gave it to him every and anytime he wanted without complaining (don’t tell Pastor Ishi), and on top of everything, I was working! Ehen! I had a job and worked hard for my money! So what was all that misyarning[1] that he was doing?

It all started on Val’s day when he took me out to see a movie. A movie! One day in the year to show love to your sweetheart and you take her to a movie and spend let me see… 3k for the tickets for both of us and 2k for drinks and popcorn… and that was all! I’m not including the set of silver jewelry he got for me. That’s my right. But a movie? Thumbs down, Jamie. Very classy.

So halfway into the movie, he was like, “Amaka, where do you see yourself five years from now?”

I looked around to see if there was another girl around us in that dark movie theatre with a bold name tag AMAKA. There was no one like that. I now started thinking ‘what type of question is this one now?’ It sounded like one of those job interview questions.

Interviewer: Miss Amaka, if we give you this job, where do you see yourself in this company five years from now?

Me: Me? Er…I see myself in an office with a perfect view overlooking the whole of Victoria Island and the Atlantic. Also I see myself at the head of the table in board meetings…

Interviewer: It’s okay, Miss Amaka. You can go now. Thank you.

“Amaka, I’m talking to you,” James gently tapped me.

“Where do I see myself?” I laughed to ease my unease and hit him playfully. “I see myself with you, silly. We’d have a boy by then and a girl on the way, plus our own house somewhere in Lekki with four cars and…”

“No, I meant, where do you see yourself career-wise?”

I frowned. “Jamie, what is all this nah? Are you still insisting that I change my job? I like what I do and my boss likes me and all the guys in the office are very nice to me. I don’t want to work in a bank!”

“I am not asking you to work in a bank. I’m just concerned that you don’t have any future plans for yourself.”

“My future plan is you, boo.” I pouted and rested my head on his shoulder.

He pulled away from me. “Your lack of ambition is really disturbing me.”

My lack of ambition? If only he knew how I planned to build an empire on top of his head. I saw homes and cars and trips to the Caribbean and shopping in Milan and Paris… You don’t get more ambitious than that! mnh-mnh!

“Please tell me you’ll think of what I told you. A life without a plan or purpose is a life doomed for destruction.”

I rolled my eyes. He had started with one of his Oyedepo sayings. I’m not sure that’s exactly what he said but I knew it was an Oyedepo.

“Will you do it for me? Will you take out time to sit and really think about your future outside of me and put down goals you want to achieve in the short term that would propel you into achieving long term goals?”

Hian! I didn’t understand a word he was saying but I nodded. And my dears, that was the beginning of the end for James and me o! I swear, my stepmother is behind our breakup.

So, as we drove out of the cinema that day, he gave me two weeks to be all on my own to plan for my future. And you know what? I did as he wanted. I first handled the short term goals. I went shopping; I bought myself a box of clothes and shoes and some nice jewelry. I mean, a girl needs to look good for the future, right? You can’t face your tomorrow dressed like yesterday. Mark that one people. That saying is an Amaka! And it rings true too. If you’re stuck in your past, change your wardrobe!

Two weeks later, he dropped by to check on me and my future. I mumbled something about owning a boutique just to get him off my back. I can tell you he wasn’t impressed. My Jamie is a no-nonsense boy. When he’s made his mind, there’s no going back. He can be downright mean. He looked me in the face, right into my eyes and said the three words that broke my heart for eight solid months.

“It’s over.”

Okay, that’s two words. Wait…

“It is over.” Yes! It is over. Those were the exact words. Three, short but harsh words that sounded very long that day. What a rotten time that was but thank God I made it. And there I was a year later in one of those big churches in Lagos, pinging my girlfriend while James was securing his own future.

–Fi, dis weddn is borin o! cming home soon

—abeg stay bak 4 mor gist

—mehn, I cnt. Jamie luks so hawt. cnt stand dat he’s marryin watzhername.

—Iz all ur fault nau. u fkd up

—I know but…

“Look at her. She’s not even moved. She’s just on her phone.” I heard a woman say in the background but I continued pinging. Her gossiping had nothing to do with me.

“Ashewo!” another whispered.

Ha-ahn. Which kain church be dis? Watzhername is not that bad. She shows off a lot but ashewo? No, Jamie will not marry that type of person. I shut my ears to the whispers and continued pinging Fiyin.

—D weddn is even skata-skata. ppl r jus makng noise arnd me. i hav 2tel pst Ishi his congregatn is rude

—*batting eye lashes* pst ishi is dere? *covering eyes*

—Er… kip ur tots 2ursef, hez celibate n a tru MOG

I paused from pinging Fiyin and checked a Facebook update. Mtsheeew. Just an idiot liking my status. The LED light on my phone blinked and I went back to Fiyin. What a shock I received when I saw this:

—Is it tru dat Jamie jus calld ur name at d alta

“Me?” I said out loud and looked up ahead of me. James was still standing, facing Watzhername na. Which one was him calling my name at the altar again? Mehn, Fiyin’s pain medication must be getting her high.

My phone vibrated.

—PING!!!

—Ansa me

—PING!!!

I was trying to make sense of the bombshell Fiyin had sent but I was also now aware of my surroundings as the whisperings increased. To my surprise, I noticed all the people around me staring at me, and like a ripple, the ones that were not, started turning my way after other people whispered to them.

Okay, something was categorically wrong here. I knew I was on my period but I was not known to stain myself and last I checked, I was using both a panty liner and a tampon to be double safe. Yet, I couldn’t help moving my bum this way and that to be sure I was okay. I wished I had come with someone so that they would at least tell me what was going on.

Somehow God heard my prayer. A friend of James who was seated in front, whom I totally changed seats to avoid, turned to me and signaled that I should meet him outside. I consciously stood up, still scared that I was stained, and hurried out of the church that was now rumbling in low voices. I wondered what the noise was all about and why Pastor Ishi was asking James to repeat himself. Outside, James’ friend dragged me to the parking lot and after he was sure no one was looking, he started shouting on me for being a whore.

“Okay wait, Shola,” I turned round. “Am I stained?”

“No,” he replied hurriedly. Not because he was angry but because I didn’t have much on my backside to dwell on. I have full hips and luscious double Ds in front but I can’t shake what my mama didn’t give me. Damn her! She had to take it all.

“You went and slept with James,” Shola accused.

“Me? When?”

“Yesterday, this morning, who cares?! You did it of recent and now he thinks you’re the one he’s saying his vows to! What is wrong with you?!”

“Shola please, talk slowly and explain what is happening. Fiyin just pinged me that Jamie called my name on the altar. For what?”

Shola looked at me like he wanted to bitchslap the cluelessness out of me. If I had flashed my cheeks, he would have done it. While I was with James, he disliked me because he believed I stole James from him; as in, they were not hanging out with the other guys like they used to and James was no longer giving him money to sustain his fake lifestyle.

“Were you on your phone while the solemnization was going on?” Shola asked.

“Which ones is solemnization again?” I asked, annoyed at him for accusing me for sleeping with James, something I kind of wanted to do, ironically.

“See, just because you studied linguistics doesn’t mean you have to be making me look stupid every time. Mtsheew[2] speak normal English jor.”

“I’m talking about the wedding! Give me that phone!” He snatched my BB and explained to me in layman’s terms what James had done. My mouth hung open and I turned in the direction of the church. Then my whole body began to act up like it does whenever I hear bad news. I couldn’t think. I was having problems breathing. My stomach was turning. My head was expanding and shrinking at the same time. My vision was turning black. My knees were shaking and before I could stop myself, I was falling. Yes, I am a fainter and I fainted right on the ground of the parking lot and that stupid Shola did not even catch me. As I fell, I heard him say something like ‘husband snatcher.’ or was it ‘friend snatcher’?

---

[1] Misyarning – Senseless talk

[2] Mtsheew – A hiss

© Sally@moskedapages Cover Design by @IamAyomiDotun

I hope you enjoyed today’s post. Next week is Watzhername’s side of the story. If you were in her shoes, would you forgive James? If you were James, would you go on with the wedding? If you were Amaka, would you go back to James?

Read on! Fish Brain Clan Two  Three  Four  Five  Six  Seven  Eight  Nine  Ten  Eleven  Twelve

To Tame A Virgin #17

to @kidmanmorello HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Read previous HERE

The sun was doing its usual thing, being unpleasant outside. Dami wasn’t envious of anyone caught under its burning rays. A spotless glass window pressed to her side as she got a full view of the street where her car was parked. A pair of little boys had chosen the car as a shield for which they protected themselves from each other while trying out their new, sophisticated squirt guns just bought for them by their mother. Dami turned to look at their mother who was in the same fast food joint as she was, trying to gather the bags of food she paid for in one hand while doing a balancing act with a restless baby on her waist with the other.

Dami’s eyes were drawn back to her car and she saw that the back windshield had been blessed with colored liquid from the boys’ squirt guns. The older boy was now taking aim from the driver’s side and he popped out his gun to squeeze out a good dose of yellow squirt on his brother. Angry that he was caught unawares, the younger boy opened his mouth in a heated scream and charged out from the other side of car. Dami let out her first real giggle in days as she watched a chase between the boys ensue. Still laughing, she turned back to her table and heard her phone beeping. She opened her Twitter account and checked her mentions. As usual, they piled high but she was looking for one in particular; she found it and tapped on it.

Lothario @brolovehandles

@RhodiumVee I sent you an email.

“Oh good.”

Dami went straight to her email account while her other hand picked a potato chip from a plate on her table. She found the email she was looking for and tapped over her screen.

From: Lothariolovehandles@gmail.com

Re: Are you done?

Just finished editing. Will send the video later tonight. Still don’t wanna get paid for dis. Just a little ad when you kick off and a good working relationship between us.

Dami tilted her head backwards and dipped the potato chip she picked into her mouth.

“My God, you have the neck of a giraffe.”

Dami let down her head and looked at her date who was standing before her, holding his car key and a freezing glass of orange juice.

“You’re late,” she said to him and pulled up the hood of her sweater to cover her face.

“A hoody and sunglasses? Are we hiding from the paparazzi?” her date teased.

“No. I’m just feeling gangster.”

He laughed and sat across the table.

“You’re still too fresh for an old man,” she said, looking at him fully.

“I am not old,” he retorted.

She adjusted her sunshades. “Dike, you’re forty-what? four? If you had gotten a girl pregnant at eighteen, she would be my age today.”

“How are you, Damaris? I see you’re still killing guys out there with your hotness.”

“Not really. I’m dying of a broken heart.”

“That never happens to you.”

Dami took off her sunshades and exposed sore eyes. “I’ve been crying like an idiot for more than a week and he still won’t pick my calls.”

“Who? The new boyfriend?

She nodded.

“Does it have anything to do with the video where you exposed your breasts?”

“Yeah.”

“By the way, it was…nice.”

“You 70s perv. You finally saw my boobs,” she muttered, dusting something off her sandal. “You and the rest of the world.”

“But you’re crazy. What were you thinking?”

Dami sat up. “Nothing. The bride was my friend and she’s female. It’s not like she hasn’t seen breasts and a vagina before. Now everyone’s calling me a lesbo and for the first time, stuff like that is getting to me. Maybe it’s because everything else is crumbling. My dad is also not talking to me, my agent dumped me, Felix fired me, I’m supposed to be at a fashion show in London by this time but…” she rubbed her eyes and her phone beeped once more. It was an SMS from Uyi. Dami sat up and with a fluttering tummy, opened the SMS.

Stop callin and texting. U shd be getting ur act 2geda and not running my ba3 down

Dami shut her eyes but tears escaped the lids and slid down her cheeks.

“Damaris?” Dike took her phone from her and read Uyi’s SMS. She buried her head on the table and cried a little.

“I’ve called him like a million times today,” she said, raising her head. Dike handed her a serviette and she blew her nose into it. “I heard he’s not feeling fine. I just wanted to check up on him. Dike… you’ve pissed your wife off so many times. How do you say you’re sorry and have her forgive you?”

“You really love this your guy? What’s his name?” Dike drew his juice toward him.

“Answer my question na,” Dami rubbed her eyes. “I’ve done everything to tell him how sorry I am but he doesn’t even care.”

“On a serious note, what did he say or do that had you sold like this? Look at your eyes when you talk about him. They sparkle even in your tears.”

“Forget the sparkle, Dike. What should I do? I miss him like mad and I hate the silence. Why won’t he pick even one call?”

“Give him time. He’ll come back to you.”

“How do you know?”

“As long as he loves you, it doesn’t matter what you’ve done. He’ll come back… Okay!” Dike slapped his hands together. “Putting sad issues aside, what’s this meeting about? Have you finally decided to let me go free?”

“Free keh.” Dami blew her nose a second time. “You opened a website to make fun of me.”

“True but I have apologized.”

“It’s not enough.”

“Then what do you want?”

Dami exhaled, smiled mischievously and crossed her legs. “A public apology.”

Dike rubbed his beard and grinned cynically.

“Pay for an online interview on one of those gossip blogs and make a public apology. Tell them why you opened the website and then, say you’re sorry.”

“Wow!” Dike laughed. “You’re really gangster, Damaris.”

“I’m trying to repackage myself and you’re going to be my first online PR guy.”

“I’m not doing it.” Dike picked his juice and took a first sip.

“See, Dike… don’t start being difficult. I’m not asking you to expose your identity or anything like that. Be anonymous, don’t even say you’re married; just apologize for the website and tell the whole world I am a very nice girl. Blame my fuck-ups on daddy issues or lack of a mommy in my life but paint me as a really nice girl deep inside – with amazingly strong virtues.”

“And this does what? It makes people like you?”

“No. It makes me trend. And when I trend, I rise from the ashes like the Khaleesi!”

Dike muttered something to himself and when Dami asked him what he said, he began to laugh. Dami drew his juice to herself and dipped a straw into it.

“Okay, Khaleesi,” Dike tried to keep a straight face. “I’ll do it. What else do you want?”

“I want the website.”

“Totameavirgin?”

“Yes.”

“I closed it.”

“Get it back and give it to me.”

“Why?”

“Because I want it.”

“All part of rising from the ashes?”

She nodded.

“Okay, that’s doable. Anymore?”

“Don’t divorce your wife.”

Dike’s smile went missing.

“You know I went to rehab, right?”

“No.”

“More than once but that doesn’t matter. It turned out that I learnt something all the times I went there. We have this twelve-step recovery program and the number nine step is forgiveness. So last week I went to Felix’s to tell him and Aunty Ene I’m sorry for my behavior and blah-blah-blah… and I saw Travis. Mind you, he thinks I’m the coolest aunty ever, even though your wife keeps giving him the eye when he’s around me. He’s always calling me his tree while he’s a monkey.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know but he’s soooo cute.”

“He has a crush on you.”

“Like father like son.”

“Plizzz.”

“Admit it, Ogudike, you fell.”

“It’s Ogbudike. And I didn’t fall.”

“As I was saying, after climbing my whole body in the name of monkey climbing tree, Travis stops midway and goes, ‘Aunty Dami, what is a divorce?’ And I’m staring at him, confused. And that, is why I don’t want children. They can’t ask what ten times ten is or why Barney is a big fool. They want to know what a divorce is?”

“What was your answer to him?”

“I told him to Google it.”

“What da?!” Dike spread out his hands. “You could have told him it’s the name of a movie or a word for adults!”

“When it’s not me that gave birth to him. Totally not my problem. So, in conclusion, for the sake of that cute boy who is going to break a lot of hearts in the future, go back to your wife.”

“Wow. Dami’s giving advice. Thank you but totally not your problem.”

“Okay.”

“So that’s that? You’re dropping the whole lawsuit?”

“Everything.”

“Nice.”

“But my dad cannot know about it. I’ll tell him by myself.”

“I’m cool with that.”

Dami’s smile was for Dike but it turned sad when she stared at Uyi’s SMS again. She blinked rapidly to ward off tears and glanced outside. One of the little boys was scratching the butt-end of his squirt gun on her car and she stood up.

“Hey!” She pointed. “See why I hate children?!”

She dashed outside.

************

When Dike left Dami, he drove straight to Felix’s. It was the beginning of August and schools were closed, which meant Kachi and Travis were home. He wasn’t yet prepared to see Kachi but with what Dami told him about Travis, he felt it was time he had a one-on-one with the boy.

Kachi was at the door when he got to the house. She was still wearing her night coat and her hair was in a mess. She wasn’t expecting him, so she straightened her hair and covered herself properly when he walked in.

“Good afternoon,” she greeted.

“How are you doing?” he asked. He was looking up the staircase.

“I am doing well. The baby is fine too.”

“And Travis?”

“He’s upstairs.”She looked in the direction of the stairs. “Travis!”

Dike could hear the sound of play and laughter from within the house.

“Travis?!” Kachi yelled again and Travis came running down with his friend, Felix’s son, chasing after him.

“Daddy!”

Dike smiled. The reaction towards him was always the same. It was priceless to hear the sheer joy in the boy’s voice every time he saw him.

“Uncle Dike!” George, Felix’s son also ran to him and he lifted both boys in his arms and twirled them around.

“Daddy you promised to take us out,” Travis said after the excitement mellowed down.

“I did?”

Travis and George nodded.

“Well, I have to go to the office.”

“No!” Travis protested.

“You promised, Dike,” Kachi said with a low voice.

“Okay, let’s see… Why don’t you guys go and get dressed and come back?”

“Yay!” Both boys shouted simultaneously and Dike let them down.

“Have your shower first o!” Kachi added and they grumbled as they ran up. When they were gone, Dike bent over a little, holding his waist.

“I must be getting old.”

“Sorry.”

“Thanks.”

Kachi turned around and walked to the foot of the stairs and stopped. Dike didn’t notice; he was glued to his phone. She walked back to him and stood by awkwardly until he noticed her presence.

“My visa has been approved and school starts in September.”

“Good. Then we have to hurry things up. I believe they can grant a Decree Absolute in your absence. All we need to thrash out is where Travis will be living. I don’t want him staying abroad; I will not raise my son on foreign soil. I can allow the new baby live with you but you cannot take my son away from me.” Dike heard his voice get edgier with each word.

“I don’t intend to, nnai.”

Her tone struck something in him and so did the name she called him but he pushed his emotions aside.

“So what’s the plan?” he asked her.

“Travis stays. That means you will look for someone to take care of him.”

“I will do what is best for my son, even if it means finding someone else to take your place. Yes, I will not hesitate to do that.”

“There’s a nanny agency…”

“Nanny what? Who told you I would want a nanny for Travis?”

“Please lower your voice, Dike, and listen to me.”

“I’m listening.”

“He needs someone who will cook for him and wash his clothes and pick him from school and all that. We can’t dump him here or take him to our families. He can always visit but it would be wrong to put the load on them. We’ve not even told him what is happening yet and I don’t think it’s advisable to bring in someone else into his life other than a nanny.”

“You’re expressly telling me that I can’t see another woman when you’re taking yourself and my child in your womb to go and be with another man?!”

“No. I’m not going to Leke. He is in Nigeria. He’s married now.”

“Oh, so you’re running away from him without a care of what it could do to your son?”

Kachi paused a little before she continued in a leveled voice.

“We need to get Travis someone. I know a very good agency. They’re expensive but worth it. The women are capable and paid well and every one of them has some form of background education in child psychology. Travis will be in good hands.”

“My answer is no. I will take care of my son by myself.”

“Nnai,” Kachi broke the barrier between them and held his hand. Her cool touch calmed him and he listened to her without interruptions. “Please, trust me on this. If it doesn’t work, then you can take him to be with Mama or bring him back here. I don’t want him to be tossed around anyhow. I see the pain in his eyes when George plays with Felix and I don’t want it to be a constant. I need him to always be with you. Please, biko.”

“I will think about it.” He pulled away from her and walked to the front door. She tried for a satisfied smile but nothing came out. She had more to tell him. She wanted to say she didn’t want to go away. If there was one little window he left ajar for her, she was willing to climb in through it. After days of prayers and counseling with her pastor, she had finally let go of all the pain and bitterness left in her and she was willing to start again. But Dike had made it clear that he was done. He had stopped wearing his wedding ring and had taken every last property of hers left in their house to her mother’s place. All that was remaining for them was the final decree from the court and a traditional divorce settlement at Kachi’s hometown which was fixed for the following week. Kachi was ready for neither. She wanted her husband back. She tried asking Ene for help but Ene, for the first time, somehow conveniently had no ideas up her sleeve. Kachi suspected that she had taken orders from Felix who in turn had taken orders from Dike.

Kachi was to be left alone to find her way back. If only Dike would open the door.

************

Dike and Kachi spent the following week at the nanny agency. They went through an interview and filled forms. Subsequently, they went through a list of résumés and handwritten applications by the nannies, each of them stating why they were good for the job. Finally, on the last day, just two days before Kachi’s and Dike’s trip to the village, they were introduced to the nannies. None of them were up to Kachi’s taste.

The first was too old; the second had eyes for Dike; the third wore a fake smile; the fourth was too young; the fifth didn’t sound convincing; the sixth was too religious; the seventh looked lazy and the last one which Dike approved of entirely, Kachi just didn’t like. When asked why, she replied, “I don’t know. I just don’t like her.”

Dike was livid. He held his anger until they got out of the agency.

“You’re setting out deliberately to piss me off, Onyekachi! You’re doing it again! Must you be in control all the time?! This was your idea! You convinced me and now, no one is good enough! We’ve been coming here for a whole week and I have been missing work and…”

“Calm down. Calm down, Dike,” Kachi pleaded. “We’re going to my village next tomorrow. I will get a girl for you there. I’m sure there’ll be someone. She’ll be cheaper and she will have the added advantage of cooking your favorite meals…”

Dike left her talking and walked towards his car. She went after him.

“But in case you don’t like that idea…”

“I don’t!”

“Okay, I have one more letter.” Kachi took out an envelope from her handbag. “I’ve gone through it. She’s not done nanny work before but she’s a mother and that should count for something.”

Dike snatched the envelope, got into his car and drove away.

************

Temi was crying in the dark. Discretely. Peter was asleep beside her. She loathed herself for her weakness. Her mind scolded her for being broken over Uyi but her heart was too shattered to do otherwise. She was now officially Peter’s girlfriend and he did everything to make her happy but she wasn’t connecting with him on an emotional plane. She had tried to stop the sex since Uyi caught them almost three weeks ago but she found that she couldn’t. The more she bled for Uyi, the more she wanted Peter. She would wake up each morning soaking in guilt from the previous night but she would go back again, longing for more.

She sat up and got down from the bed. Her hands felt around the floor for her nightgown and she found it. As she began slipping into it, the door flung wide open with a loud bang and she saw the silhouette of a female at the doorway.

“Peter!” The silhouette screamed. There was anger and pain in her voice and it jolted Peter from his sleep. He rubbed his eyes and sat up while his hand went for the light switch behind his bed. He turned it on and the silhouette turned into a girl with wild hair and a body like Temi’s. She had tear-stained cheeks and snot running from her nose. But in her hand was a machete and it was posed to strike. Temi quickly backed away towards the bathroom as Peter sat up straight.

“You and me will die today!” the girl shouted.

“Lolade?”

“Come here and meet your fate or if you allow me meet you there, it will be bloody, I swear to God!” She raised the machete into the air and Peter’s eyes followed it.

“Peter, go to her nau,” Temi begged.

“Lola, calm down. Let’s talk. Whatever is wrong, we can handle it but not with that cutlass, abeg.”

Lolade laughed and her voice brought chills to Temi. “Peter go, abeg. Just go.” She looked at Lolade. “Please, don’t kill him or me, abeg. I don’t want to die.”

Lolade looked at Temi and laughed again. “Oh no, my dear. I won’t kill you but you will soon die. Piro!” She turned sideways and left a space between herself and the door post. “Oya, in the parlor! NOW!”

Peter hesitated and she hammered the machete into the door post. Temi screamed and ran into the bathroom.

“If I do as the tin dey take do me now, Piro, I swear me and you go die for here today!”

“Hah-ahn. What is it? Kilode?” Ovie had come out of his room. “Lolade, wetin?”

She ignored him. “PETER!”

Peter got to his feet and walked to her slowly and as he walked past her, she hit his head with the blunt end of the machete. Temi ran to Ovie and held him.

“Who is she?”

“His ex.”

“Ex? So what is she doing here with cutlass na? Is she crazy or what?”

“Lolade, crazy? No. She caught Peter cheating and they ended it and next we heard she found some other guy to marry. I don’t know what she’s doing here. I’m as shocked as you.”

Temi walked to the sitting room but hung by the entrance. Lolade had put Peter on a couch opposite her but the weapon was still in her hand.

“Peter, me and you knew ourselves tay-tay! We grew up in Gwags and even the fact that you schooled in Port did not stop our relationship! I kept it real. Even when I knew that you were cheating on me, I still remained faithful. The day I decided to end everything was when I felt I had had enough! It was too much for me! Even a million dogs on heat are better than you!  And let me not lie, it pained me! It pained me well-well when I left you but I was happy that I was done with your cheating ass! And as God will have it the guy that had been toasting me for years still wanted to me!” She smiled bitterly.

“The wedding plans were done sharp-sharp, everything was set! I felt like the luckiest girl in the world! My bobo is nothing like you! He is stinking rich! Nothing like you at all!” She flashed her left hand at Peter. “Look at the ring! Four solid carats! He was not taking me to play! Everything was set! All that was left was blood tests! Simple blood tests!” Lolade stopped at this point, stared into the air and tears flooded her face. She took out a paper from her back pocket and flung it at Peter. “You did that to me! You useless dog gave me HIV!”

“Jesus!” Temi gasped.

“What did I do to deserve this type of punishment, ehn?! Didn’t I love you? Didn’t I stick with only you even with all the loaded Abuja guys toasting me? Didn’t I give you everything you wanted, Piro?! Why will you destroy my life like this?! WHY?!”

“What are you talking about, Lola?” Peter frowned at the paper in his hand. “This is not true. It’s a mistake.”

“SHARRAP!” Lolade shot up from her chair and the machete followed her. “Are you deaf?! I have AIDS, you wicked bastard! And today, me and you will die because I cannot watch myself turn to nothing! Ha-ha! NO! I will not watch myself die! We will end it today! Together! Here!”

She lunged towards Peter but he got up and dashed out of the house, stumbling on his way. She ran after him but Ovie caught her in time and wrestled the machete out of her hand. He held her afterwards as she cried.

Temi watched the whole scene in shock. As she stood there immobile, she didn’t realize that she wasn’t breathing. The moment she felt a tightening in her chest and she let out a breath, her head began to swirl. Her vision deemed, her body went lax and she blacked out.

 

©Sally @moskedapages

 

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To Tame A Virgin #4

Read previous episodes HERE

The weather was strangely cold and Uyi watched as Temi shivered in her seat even though the AC in the office was turned off and the window next to her was closed. He wondered why of all days, she had decided not to wear a sweater. But needless to say, she was looking good in a plain white top that made no attempt at hiding her breasts and Uyi was glad that she had gone the extra mile to appear sexy. She had been a sight for sore eyes for him, a distraction from the complex matrix systems he had been staring into all day.

“Thank God it’s Friday!” A colleague exclaimed with his hands in the air and Uyi knew it was four o’clock. He smiled at the colleague who had gone back staring into his screen through thick glasses. He was a strange guy who rarely smiled nor frowned but did weird things like dance his way in or out the office, bang his head over his keyboard incessantly whenever frustrated and scream out ‘Thank God It’s Friday’ each time the clock struck an hour every single Friday. He was the only form of entertainment they had in the office since television was not allowed.

Uyi pushed out his chair and walked to Temi’s table.

“Hi.” She managed out a smile.

“Are you okay?” he asked and she nodded. “You don’t look too well. Is it the cold?”

She nodded again and he felt her forehead.

“Tems, your temperature is up.”

“Is it?” She let out a sniffle. “I have sore throat, headache and runny nose. I’ve taken Paracetamol sha.”

“You need something stronger. I’ll just run down the road and get you Actifed.”

“Work ends in an hour, so I can manage. Thank God it’s Friday. Phew!”

“You need to rest. Work has been so bad this week. As in, I’m seeing double on my monitor.”

Temi sneezed.

“Sorry.”

“Your perfume is strong. Go away.”

“I’ll walk you home and nurse you if you promise not to jump on me again.”

Temi’s little, shy eyes shifted uneasily and she pushed him away playfully. “Go jor. I do one silly thing and you keep reminding me. Haven’t I behaved myself since?”

“By dodging me throughout the week and boning as if we’re fighting? Plizz! What if we had slept with each other?”

“Shhh!” Temi looked around, embarrassed, scared that a colleague had heard him.

“Go nau. I have work to do.”

“Omoruyi!” someone called and Uyi turned in the direction of the door to see one of the senior partners’ secretaries.

“Oga wants to see you immediately!”

Uyi nodded and turned back to Temi.

“Mr Enenche wants to see you?” Temi asked. “What have you done now?”

Uyi shrugged.

“I don’t like the guy. He looks like a pedophile.”

“Now, Temi…”

“What? It’s a vibe I get around him.”

Uyi shook his head and walked away. Outside his office he took a flight of stairs that led him up and came out to a long hallway. He walked to the last office on his right and peeped in. The secretary who had called him earlier was behind her desk and she pointed to Mr. Enenche’s door. Uyi walked straight to it.

As most bosses appeared, Mr Enenche was older than Uyi but he was still in his prime. He was bald with no signs of gray in his beard and was totally bereft of wrinkles. And also, like most men his age, he wore glasses that just wouldn’t rest anywhere else but on the tip of his nose. An Omega watch adorned his wrist and a suit that squeezed at the armpits but swagged of wealth was covering his upper body over an equally expensive-looking shirt. The weather did not seem to bother him because his AC was on and at a very low temperature.

“Good evening, sir.”

Mr. Enenche nodded but stuck his face to his laptop. Uyi watched the movement of his pudgy hand as it caressed the touchpad of his laptop.

“I need you to hack into a site for me. Can you do that?”

Uyi wondered if it was a trick question. Of course, he could hack into anywhere he wanted but it was against personal principles and work ethics. He replied nothing and fixed his eyes on a church poster behind Mr. Enenche.

“I asked you a question, dude. Can you hack into a site for me?”

The ‘dude’ unsettled Uyi but he replied, “I can, sir, but I’d rather not.”

“I knew you wouldn’t,” Mr. Enenche continued, his head still crouched over his laptop. “But if you have a younger sister whose virginity has become the butt end of randy men’s jokes, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to make sure you secure her honor?”

At this point, Mr. Enenche looked up into Uyi’s eyes.

“I know you’re aware of the site running solely to see Damaris ruined?”

Uyi considered this another trick question but saw through the man’s piercing eyes to know he was in trouble if he lied.

“Yes sir, I’ve heard about the site.”

“You know the people behind it?”

“No, sir.”

“I heard they work here.”

“I’m not aware of that, sir.”

“Do you know why I called you in particular?”

“No, sir.”

“Because I have watched you closely. Apart from the fact that your work is outstanding, you seem to have a godly comportment which is very hard to find in your peers.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“That wasn’t a compliment. I just stated a fact. Anyway, it pains me to see my little cousin being treated like a commodity on display.”

“Sir, your little cousin is Dami… Sorry, Damaris?”

“Yes. And she is under my guardianship. Her father will skin me alive if any bastard messes her up. I know she has her flaws but she needs direction and that is why I need you to find out what idiots are running that site. In short, I want the IP addresses of all the people who log on to that site. All of them!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Be sure that you’ll be rewarded.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“And by the way, I’m inviting you to my house on Sunday for my baby’s naming ceremony.”

“Congratulations, sir.”

Mr. Enenche went back to his laptop.

“My secretary would give you the details. Come with your girlfriend. I like to know my employees one on one.”

“Okay.”

“And Omoruyi,” Mr. Enenche lifted his head. “Please keep this between us, will you?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good.” He dismissed Uyi who walked out and hurried down the hallway. As he got to the stairs, he came across Dami who was speaking on her phone but she stopped him with her free hand and had him wait for her. During the wait, Uyi studied everything about her carefully, his eyes adoring her features without letting on what he was doing. Her face was carved to perfection with high cheekbones, twinkling brown eyes, a straight nose and full but wide pink lips that caressed each word she uttered. The touch of her hand on Uyi’s was smooth and she distractedly but gently stroked him, leaving goosebumps on his flesh.

“Hi.” She smiled at him after ending her phone call. Her hand was still resting on his and she applied gentle pressure with every word she spoke. “Uyi, right?”

“Dami, what’s up?”

“You didn’t ask me how I got your name,” she said and Uyi spared her a half smile.

“Does it matter?”

“Not that it does but hey, nice meeting you again.”

“Same here.”

“And you smell really nice.”

“Thanks.”

She started up the stairs and Uyi made his way down.

************

“How do you feel?” Uyi searched Temi’s face as she rested her head on her pillow. He thought her eyes looked too sunken without her glasses.

“I’m fine,” she replied him and bit her lip. “Please close the windows.”

“No, you need clean, fresh air.”

“I’m still cold.”

“You’ll be fine under your blanket and once the drug kicks in, it’ll send you straight to sleep. Where’s your boyfriend by the way?”

“He’ll come later.”

Uyi thought he saw a lie in her eyes but he didn’t dwell on it. He reached for his laptop carrier from the floor and pulled out his laptop.

“You’re always insulting Naruto. Well, today, I’ll introduce you to it and I promise you that you’ll love it.”

“Whatever. Just play it. Hopefully it will put me to sleep faster than the Actifed.”

Uyi turned on his laptop and played the cartoon in question. Initially, Temi seemed interested in it but after she received a call from someone whom he suspected was her boyfriend, she turned her face away and backed Uyi for a long time. He could hear her sniffing every now and then and he suspected she was crying but he didn’t pry. Finally, she turned around and spared him a weak smile and continued watching.

“So who’s this guy with tribal marks?” she asked, pointing at the screen.

Uyi laughed. “It’s not tribal marks.”

“It’s what nah? Three lines on each side of his face like my grandfather.”

Uyi smiled. “He is the Naruto.”

“Okay. And that’s his babe?”

“Sakura? She’s his friend but she’s in love with his former best friend, Sasuke, who is now his enemy.”

“And from all indication Naruto is in love with the babe but she’s forming friendship abi?”

“Yes.”

“But wait oh, why do they run with their hands behind their backs?”

“The ting tire me sef.” Uyi laughed and Temi hissed in amusement.

“You guys can watch rubbish.”

“But it’s better than watching Cuando sex me.”

Temi burst into laughter and went into a terrible coughing fit until Uyi held her up, rubbed her back and it subsided.

“It’s not Cuando sex me,” she corrected after finding her voice. “It’s Cuando Seas Mia and it means when you are mine.”

“Whatever. It’s cheesy nonsense. I can’t watch that mush with a gun to my head.”

“Speaking of guns to heads, why did Mr. Enenche want to see you sef?” Temi asked.

“Nothing serious.”

“It can’t be nothing serious with that man. It’s either he’s about to fire you or promote you. Which one?”

“Do they promote corpers?”

“Why did he call you nau?”

“He simply wanted me to find out who is running that totameavirgin website.”

Temi hissed. “I thought it was even something serious. Isn’t he a hypocrite!”

“What do you mean?”

“The person that is running the site is his very close friend.”

“For real?”

“Yeah. So how come he doesn’t know?”

“Well, friends stab friends in the back. But who is the person?”

“I’m not telling.”

“Temire, you’re not being fair.”

“I gave my word.”

“So did I and see how I just broke it by telling you.”

She stuck out her tongue.

“And they say women don’t know how to keep secrets. But seriously, you won’t tell me?”

“Nope.”

“I hate you. And by the way, your nope sounds like dope. All your Ns are now Ds.”

Temi sniffed. “Stupid catarrh. And stupid hypocrite Mr. Enenche. He and his friend like to follow small-small girls and use them anyhow. So it serves him right that people want to use his cousin.”

“Wow. That’s harsh. What’s eating you like that?”

“Nothing. Back to our argument. Admit that romance movies and series are good.”

Uyi mock-vomited and she hit him with a pillow. Then they fell into an argument that dragged on for a while and in the end, Uyi had to admit that he had enjoyed some cheesy movies. Temi blessed him with a hug and rested on her pillow again. They settled into silence for a while as the exotic Japanese language coming from the cartoon pulled Temi into a snooze. When Uyi turned around to explain a scene to her, he found her asleep with her mouth slightly open due to the blockage in her nostrils. He pinched out some mentholated balm from a small container and applied it below her nose; he also moistened her lips with some of her cherry lip balm and lifted her blanket to cover her properly. He wrote a note and placed it by her nightstand before he left. Slinging his laptop carrier across his shoulder, he walked off into the night, hoping to catch a cheap cab being that all he had on him was three hundred naira.

************

There was no one home when Uyi walked in through the front door. Earlier Ovie had complained about being too broke to host anyone for their customary Friday shindig and made plans to go see his elder sister to raid her freezer. As usual, Peter also made plans to tag along, keeping to his scrubby nature. Now, with the house to himself, Uyi made a meal of jellof rice and sausages, popped open a can of cold beer and settled to eat and continue with his Naruto when Edet appeared. The front door was locked, so he pressed his face to the window and made gestures at Uyi to open up for him. But Uyi being in no mood to do so, continued with his alone time. Edet moved away from the window and went to the door and began banging on it, yet Uyi remained seated and upped the volume of his laptop. Edet returned to the window and peeped really hard to be sure someone was within, that he wasn’t just imagining things.

“Uyi, your papa! You dey craze?! Open dis door jor!”

Uyi ignored him and after more insults, he disappeared from the window. Uyi finished his meal and cartoon and went for another can of beer but Edet showed up again. He came with a loud bang that rattled the door and riled Uyi up. Uyi got to his feet, marched to the door, unlocked it and inivited him in. As Edet took the first step, Uyi rammed the door in his face, knocking him out cold on the floor. He remained there as Uyi locked the door again and went back to his beer. The night wore on and he listened to love songs on his laptop and went off to sleep, forgetting Edet outside.

The next morning had him waking late and to the buzzing of his phone. He stared into the screen to see Temi’s name and he took her call.

“Hey sicky-sicky. You’re up already.”

“Yeah.”

“You got my note?”

He heard a smile in her voice. “Yeah. How sweet.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Still not good oh. I’m still running a fever.”

“Okay. I’ll come over but hope your boyfriend is not going to be there. I don’t want wahala.”

“He traveled. Just come.”

“Okay.”

************

Uyi had a wonderful time with Temi again. As he guessed, she wasn’t as bad as she had projected on the phone but she still needed little more nursing. He administered her drugs and held her head over steaming, balmy water to clear her nasal passages. Afterward, they worked on a client’s account, watched a movie and argued about trivial things. When it was getting dark, she begged him to stay awhile and made him a big bowl of soup to take home.

“Thank you, Uyi,” she said and hugged him in her tight kitchen.

“Anything for a friend.”

She released him and headed out first, deliberately brushing her backside against him. Uyi smiled at the seemingly innocent act but kept a blank face when she turned around to look at him. She went for her sweater and walked him out the door but didn’t go far. There was another hug and this time he felt her lips brush against his neck as she let go.

“See you on Monday,” he said.

“Good night.” She walked back in and he went home.

************

Sunday service was one of those long affairs. The pastor had too much to say, the choir had so much to sing about, people were thanking God for too many things and all the people that had starved church attendance in a while decided to show up. It was well past 2pm before the pastor said the closing prayer. Like many members, Uyi joined the church bus and it dropped him right at the junction of his street. Feeling satisfied and refreshed with himself, he walked home with a gospel tune in his head. Ovie and Peter were not back yet but Edet was in the compound when he walked in. He saw a plaster over the poor creature’s nose but he ignored him and he walked past.

“Uyi, abeg, make I explain wetin happen between me and Vivian.”

Uyi allowed him all the way to his flat and pretended to listen to his unpardonable excuse as he unlocked the door but when he stepped in and Edet tried to do same, he slammed the door in his face again. Fortunately for Edet, he wasn’t standing so close this time around.

Uyi made himself a large bowl of eba, had his lunch and fell asleep.

He woke up three hours later and dressed up to head to Mr. Enenche’s party at Asokoro. Following the address the secretary texted him, he found himself on a street that was lined with expensive cars. He could hear music in the distance and it drew him to the venue easily. He walked in through an open gate to face a magnificent house with a spacious lawn. There were large canopies with chairs covering the whole area. Women and children littered the place mostly but there was a section where men were hurdled together, sipping on beers and peppersoup. Uyi could spot some people from his office and they were mostly from management, but there were a few junior staff too, none of which he was acquainted with. He protectively held the gift he had come along with as a pair of little girls ran past him. He smiled at them and strolled straight to the front door and entered a sitting room filled with so many people. Nodding a greeting to anyone who cared, he waded further in, towards the dining area to see whom he could speak with. To his relief, Dami appeared. She was angrily walking past him as she murmured incoherently to herself but he stopped her and she slowly released a taut smile when she saw him.

“Hi,” she commented and hugged him tersely. “So good to see you, Uyi. The ass invited you?”

Uyi wasn’t so sure who the ‘ass’ was but he had a good idea that it was Mr. Enenche.

“He’s in his room,” she said. “Let me call him.”

She disappeared and reappeared a while later with a drink for Uyi. Mr. Enenche came out subsequently, looking tired but having a smile that Uyi had never seen him spare at the office.

“Omoruyi, you came. Welcome.” He shook his hand warmly. “I’m sorry I can’t offer you a seat because I don’t even have one for myself. I didn’t budget for this many people. It seemed everyone from my church showed up and more are still coming.”

“It’s how these things are.”

“You can say that again. Come this way, though.”

Mr. Enenche led him further into the house to a room that looked like a guest room but had a small parlor with a single plastic chair.

“Please, sit. I’ll have them bring you something.”

“Sir, this is for the baby. It’s small but…”

“Thank you, Omoruyi,” said Mr. Enenche, taking the gift Uyi was offering. “My wife would appreciate this. Thanks.”

“My pleasure.”

Mr. Enenche walked out and Uyi could hear him call Dami’s name out. He heard her reply back in a rude tone and they both began exchanging words in Idoma. Their voices faded away immediately and Uyi busied himself with his phone. While doing that, someone poked her head in and announced to him that everyone was needed outside because the pastor was about to give his final blessings to the family before leaving. Uyi nodded and she left but he had no intentions of making it outside. He sat put and continued with his phone as the house emptied gradually. Minutes passed by and he could hear only a few voices around him and for that he was relieved, but not long after, he heard Mr Enenche and Dami at it again. There was another female voice in the mix and Uyi suspected it was Mrs. Enenche’s. He listened as they lashed out loudly in Idoma. Dami was the angriest as her tone rose with every syllable. He heard her pause to prevent a lump in her throat but a sob had broken in and she raged on with staccato words all fired out in Idoma and English. Not so sure if he should hang around any longer for the private family spat, Uyi got up and began heading for the door. However, he was stopped short by Dami who was storming out of one of the rooms, tears streaming down her face.

“Hey.” He put a gentle hand around her. She hesitated at first but the calm stare from his eyes made her turn around and crumble in his arms. It wasn’t what he had expected but he didn’t know how to push her away even though he knew it was the right thing to do, considering Mr. Enenche could show up any moment and have the wrong impression.

“Stop crying. It’s okay.”

But Dami held Uyi tightly and all hope of escaping her grip vanished out the window. He brought out his hanky and wiped her face just to have an inch away from her but she stuck to him and remained there. And just as he had imagined, Mr. Eneche and his wife appeared from nowhere and stood looking at both of them questioningly. Uyi tried to pull away but Dami held him tight and fixed stubborn eyes on the couple. She wiped her eyes angrily.

“You were asking who my boyfriend was? Well, here he is.”

Uyi’s mouth dropped open, and he wished it hadn’t because just as it hung there on its own accord, Dami shoved her tongue right through his lips with an angry kiss; and all Uyi could think of as he tasted her alcohol-flavored mouth was catching the next, available flight out of Abuja.

^©Sally @moskedapages

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To Tame A Virgin #2

Read #1 here

The slaughterhouse was at it again. Somehow they had found a way to infuriate Uyi on Monday morning with a crude joke on him, one he wasn’t going to be laughing to in a while. Being an unusual character, poles apart from most people, he never allowed the things that normally got to others bug him. Having faced a lot of suffering in his life, he always cleanly found a way to replace disturbing thoughts with happier ones and moved on. Take the Vivian and Edet incidence for instance. By the time the sun had set that evening and he had been cured of his Buran Tashi issue by Doctor Ahmed, Uyi had totally erased Vivian from his place of affection and replaced her with the model chick in his office, refusing to take Vivian’s calls or reply her texts. Furthermore, he didn’t consider it necessary to confront Edet over what had happened when he felt he could easily act like the idiot didn’t exist. Having settled those issues on his mind, Uyi moved on, survived the weekend even with constant taunting from his roommates, and looked forward to a productive week ahead. But unfortunately for him, he was going to be reminded about that Saturday by members of the slaughterhouse the moment he walked into his office on Monday.

As a busy malware analyst, Uyi was constantly stuck to his computer screen and scarcely had time to bother about what new buzz was spreading around the web. Knowing he was valuable to Geek Elysium never stopped him from executing his duties with all earnestness and dedication. And such was the case with his colleagues in the network securities department. On a good day the place was dead quiet except for the sounds of fingers over keyboards and the occasional grunt, ahem, sigh and silent chuckle. Every now and then one would get a colleague asking another or two for help on a certain program but other than those, it was the most boring office in the whole of the IT firm and was termed the ‘original nerd nirvana’. Thus, Uyi found it weird when he showed up late that Monday morning and found everyone not at their posts but around his friend’s, Temi’s desk, all carried away by something on her screen and laughing in sheer heartiness. Putting aside his laptop carrier, he walked to her desk and tried to catch a glimpse of her screen but found his view blocked by a mass of hair that was redolent of damp clothes and cheap bathing soap. He screwed up his nose, pulled away and walked back to his own desk. Seconds later the crowd around Temi disappeared and each went to their duty posts, the office taking on its normal form of silence.

Uyi returned to Temi and she beamed at him with a huge smile. “Uyi!”

“Hi Tems.” Uyi smiled back and she pumped her lips to revive her lip gloss which was almost non-existent due to a bad habit of hers of constantly biting her lower lip.

“You’re late today oh.” She pushed her geek glasses closer to her eyes and adjusted her sitting, upsetting huge breasts that shook blatantly in Uyi’s face. He wondered why she never liked to wear strong supportive bras.

“What were you guys watching?” he asked.

“Oh! It’s a video on Youtube and you need to see it! In one hour it got like a hundred thousand hits,” she said excitedly and adjusted her sitting again. “It’s a five minute 2D animation like South Park and it’s called The Learner, His Girlfriend and His Boner. Want to watch?”

Uyi shook his head. He had a lot of work waiting for him, but he didn’t want to upset Temi.

“Gist me.”

“Seriously you need to watch it but it’s about this guy whose girlfriend visited him for the weekend and for some weird reason, he couldn’t have sex with her because his…you know…refused to act up.”

“That sounds familiar,” Uyi murmured, still unaware the joke was on him.

“So on the last day, when the girl was supposed to leave, the guy dashed to his friend’s house to get something to help him perform. You won’t believe what he got!” she giggled and clapped in excitement.

“What?”

“Buran Tashi!” Temi snorted and held her nose embarrassingly. “Sorry.”

Uyi didn’t reply. His countenance had turned into stone in an instant.

“You know what Buran Tashi is, right? It’s herbal Viagra. Locally made by all these mallams to help men…”

“I know what Buran Tashi is. Go on.”

“So by the time the guy got home he had already overdosed on the Buran Tashi, thanks to his friend who did it deliberately to have a good laugh. And by now, the guy was all charged up, ready to impress his babe but when he walked into his room, he found his neighbor banging her! But that’s not all. That’s not all…” She snorted again. “I’m sorry. It just cracks me up. The guy is a learner, I swear!”

“Go on,” Uyi murmured with irritation.

“So, the guy was obviously really upset but that wasn’t his problem. More than anything he needed to relieve himself of his konji, so he went to his next door neighbors because there were two women living there and he was hoping they would somehow help him with his boner issue. Sha the women invited him in and one of them wasted no time in asking him to strip. The guy was so geared up and did as he was told in full anticipation. Then from nowhere, one of the women brought out this humongous needle and while the other held him down, she used it to drain blood from the guy’s penis!” Temi held her side as she fell into a long laughing spell, occasionally interjected with uncontrollable snorts. Uyi remained standing, his blood boiling within his veins and a thousand thoughts racing through his mind. But Temi laughed on, so hard she cried. She fished for her hanky in her handbag and held it over her nose to clean her leaking nostrils as Uyi tried his best to repress his growing anger. When she had finally calmed, she took a last sniff and looked at him. “Seriously, you need to watch it.”

“Is the animation based on anyone’s true life story?” Uyi asked.

“No. It’s just comedy.”

“So what’s the moral behind the story?”

“Geez!” she glowered right away. “You’re so uptight Uyi. It’s just a cartoon. No one’s asking anyone to learn from it.”

Uyi smiled at the irony of her statement.

“But you like cartoons like Naruto, abi?” she asked defensively. “What are you learning from that one?”

“How to kill bad guys.” Uyi answered as he saw himself dressed as a Ninja with a sword, slicing off Ovie’s and Peter’s heads.

“Loosen up!” she nudged him with her elbow and pushed aside a lock of hair blocking her eyes. “So how did your week with Vivian go? Hope you guys had fun? She’s gone, right?”

Uyi couldn’t miss the jealousy in Temi’s tone but it didn’t stop him from hurting her further.

“Oh, it was great. We were in cloud nine the whole time. The learner in that cartoon should have come to me to be taught a skill or two.”

“Oh.” Deflated, Temi pushed her glasses up to her eyes and faced her computer screen. “Glad to hear you enjoyed yourself. I, em…have work to do. See you during lunch break? My treat.”

“Okay.”

Uyi walked back to his desk, faced his screen and used his usual fantasy of the model girl to keep him away from thoughts that consisted mostly of murdering Ovie and Peter. Come lunch break, he dashed out of the office and crossed the street from his office building to an expensive restaurant the evil duo loved to visit. There he spotted them with a bunch of guys who worked in a law firm and a bank that flanked their office. As it was always with them, they were in high spirits and hadn’t noticed when he walked in. Already seeing his plans of confronting them backfire in his face, he made to leave, but just as he was stepping out, he bumped into the girl of his constant fantasies, and had her iPad Mini, phone and purse falling to the floor. Immediately, he stooped down to gather the items but she remained standing, hands on her waist, a blaze in her eyes and with a tone that turned him off the moment she screamed.

“Are you blind or directionally challenged?!”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t see you coming.” Uyi rose slowly, his eyes sweeping fully the twin, smooth towers that were her legs. Then with a slight smile he handed her the items in his hands but she kept staring at him, glaring angrily and condescendingly into his face.

“I know you,” she said unhurriedly but with the same biting venom. “You’re a corper, right? At Geek Elysium? I work there too. Do you know me?”

Uyi’s smile petered out. “Am I supposed to know you?”

She looked at him as if stung. He could almost hear the words screaming out loud in her head. My name is Damaris Alechenu. Daughter of Chief Justice Anyebe Alechenu. My mother is the late Professor Damaris Alechenu, former minister for finance. I once strutted my stuff on runways in Paris, London and New York. You can find me on the pages of Essence, Ebony and True Love and on billboards all around Nigeria. I love to club, party and lazy about Abuja with my airhead friends all through the week. I’m a virgin but I date only rich guys. Unfortunately you’re not one of them…

“So, you don’t know me?” she asked again and Uyi shook his head. He really didn’t know much about her. All that information was Google talk.

“Then you’re more challenged than I think. I’m Damaris. Call me Dami.” She grabbed her stuff from him, fished out an eyeliner from her purse and wrote her Twitter handle on his shirt. “Follow me on twitter @rhodiumvee and who knows, I might follow back.”

She pushed past him and the feel of her sublime skin made him momentarily forget his humiliation. He felt his nipples harden and he quickly returned to his senses as he felt a ripple travel through his veins. He didn’t want blood being pumped to the wrong place again.

“Oh and God help you that something should go wrong with my phone or IPad mini!” She added.

“Rude.” he heard himself mutter as he stepped out under the burning sun. Just as he was making to cross the street, someone tapped him from behind and he turned. When he saw that it was Ovie, he frowned.

“Wetin?”

“Cool down. I’m not fighting with you nah.” Ovie laughed. “I know say you dey vex for dat cartoon.”

“How I no go vex? Which kain nonsense joke be dat one?”

“You sef, relax! Person no fit play wit you again? I didn’t even mention your name nah.”

“Come, the joke is too much abeg. Make una stop.”

“Oya, no vex.” Ovie scratched the nape of his neck and Uyi knew he wanted something.

“Wetin?”

“E be like say you be friends wit dat Dami babe.”

“Ehen?”

“Abeg, you fit arrange some kain…?”

“Some kain wetin?” Uyi asked heatedly.

“I like the babe.”

“She dey inside. Go yarn am.”

Uyi hissed, crossed the street and walked back into his building and to his office where he faced his computer screen again. However there was a snag in his thinking process. It had suddenly become filled with images of Damaris and there was no other thought to counter the disturbance. She used to be his haven, now she had emerged to take over his mind entirely and had left him helpless against her.

“You’re an ass!” Temi appeared before him, arms crossed over her massive breasts.

Uyi looked up. “Oh Tems…I am so sorry. I had business to handle.”

“You could have told me. I sent you a text but you didn’t reply.”

“I’m sorry, dear. You had lunch alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Is there a way I can make it up to you?”

“Walk me home today and let me make you dinner.”

The answer came out like it had been waiting around the corner. She bit her lower lip and waited for his reply. It was the first time she was inviting him over and he was not so sure he wanted to go, being that she had a doting boyfriend who had loaded her table with gifts on Valentine’s Day and always bugged her with endless phone calls during work hours.

“Um…is he going to be there?”

“Who?” she asked.

“Your boyfriend.”

She laughed. “Oh no. He’s not going to be around. Nothing to fear; we’re just two friends eating and gisting about stuff.”

“Okay, fine,” Uyi acquiesced. “I’ll walk the beautiful lady home and eat the beautiful lady’s dinner. S’that okay?”

She grinned and pulled her sweater over her breasts.

“What’s that on your shirt?” she asked.

“What?”

She pointed at the writing on his breast pocket.

“That…is a Twitter handle.”

“It’s Dami’s.” Temi frowned. “She wrote it on you?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because… Well, just because.”

“Be careful.” Temi looked around as if someone was eavesdropping on her. “She’s a maneater. She uses guys and dumps them without a second thought. She’s dated four guys in this firm alone. Two in management.”

“O-kay…”

“I’m serious. She has like twelve boyfriends a year, one for each month. Be very careful.”

Uyi laughed. “Okay, I will. I don’t intend to date or even sleep with her but thanks for the information, though.”

Reluctantly, Temi scuffled to her corner. Uyi stared after her and wondered when she was ever going to stop being conscious over her weight and her vast female assets. She had now developed a slight hunch after years of trying to reduce the audacity of her breasts, and had fallen into a timid way of pressing her legs together each time she walked so as to avoid her backside from shaking excessively. Uyi wondered what her boyfriend was doing to up her confidence. Definitely, not much.

He fixed his thoughts back to his screen and picked up a less demanding job for a small client and began working on it.  In a snail’s pace, time dragged by and when the closing hour approached, Temi appeared over his desk again.

“Ready?”

Uyi nodded and cleared his work area. They walked out of the building and with leisure steps began a stroll to Temi’s home not far from their office. Temi talked the whole way through and when they got to her house, she unlocked the door and let them in. Uyi found her sitting room surprisingly cozy and inviting. The place was neatly arranged and boasted of a swanky style that he never pictured her possessing. He had always considered her a full geek who never bothered about anything girly and stylish.

“Sit down while I microwave the stew and put rice on fire. And oh! Right under the center table is a couple of photo albums with pictures from school. Don’t laugh at me oh! I was really thin then!”

She disappeared into the kitchen while Uyi fed his eyes with pictures of her past and found himself looking at a girl who was very beautiful once. He mused over what happened to her as he put the photo albums aside and began going through a cosmo mag. Not long after she reappeared with two plates of rice and soft drinks and presented them to him. Uyi was shocked at two things when he saw her. One was how fast the food was made and the second was how sexy she looked in a pair of shorts and body-hugging top.

“Damn!” he exclaimed as he beheld her soft, smooth skin and beautiful feet he was immediately dying to kiss. He cautioned himself at once and pretended to face his meal but his corner eyes still rested on the curves on her that she always hid in clothes.

“Gas makes faster cooking.” She laughed, thinking his exclamation had to do with the food. Obviously, she didn’t know the effect she was having on him. She sat beside him and they began to eat silently. Halfway into the meal, she paused and looked at him.

“I have to tell you this, though I’m not supposed to.”

“What?” he put down his fork.

“There’s a secret website run by some of the guys at work who are betting online over whom will pop Dami’s cherry.”

“I don’t understand…”

“There are four guys that are currently on the list of whom they think could stand the chance of disvirgining her and they are making bets on them. And it’s not just guys at the office; they’re from everywhere. The person who opened that site is Dami’s ex, one of the guys at management and I won’t tell you his name but he’s doing it spitefully.”

“I see. Why are you telling me this?”

“You like her. Maybe you should tell her before she makes a fool of herself. Whoever gets to disvirgin her must show proof and you know what that means. He must film the whole thing. Anyway, I blame her. She flirts with guys a lot and when she chops their money, she dumps them the moment they try to get near her pants.”

“I see,” Uyi said again and picked his fork.

“Is that all you’ll say?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought you were crazy about her.”

“Crazy about Damaris? No, I’m not.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“So, can I kiss you?”

“W-what?” Uyi pulled back, laughing, but he was shocked at her audacity. “I have a girlfriend, remember?”

“Just one kiss.”

“And you have a boyfriend, Tems. And we are just friends.”

“Just one.”

“No.” He shook his head and she went back to her meal. Or so it seemed…until she jumped on him and covered his lips with hers. Uyi was taken by surprise but he wasn’t angry; he was amused. He didn’t stop her, not in the first few seconds that she was forceful and fiery, nor in the concluding seconds when she took her time to explore his Mirinda/curry flavored mouth. When she finally let go, he looked deep in her eyes and laughed; she covered her face and moved away.

“Are you satisfied?” he asked but she said nothing. “You are so going to hate yourself for what you just did.”

“I know.” Her face was still covered in her hands as she got up and ran into her room. Uyi knew she was going to have a good cry but it did not stop him from laughing his ass off. That was the only way he knew to get his mind off the news he just heard about Dami.

^©Sally @moskedapages

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GOOD GIRL GONE BAD (Episode 3) by Solomon Enweremmadu

INT. RITA’S OFFICE DESK

Rita is typing a proposal on her PC. She stops for a moment, pulls her wallet out of her bag and looks thoughtfully at a photo of a MAN, early fifties.

MRS. OJO (O.S.)

Rita my dear, are you okay?

RITA

(jolts) Yes, yes, I’m fine. Thank you.

Mrs. Ojo is standing beside Rita’s desk carrying some files.

MRS. OJO

Is it the wedding? I know it’s not easy but just remember that the most important thing is that you love him and not how much you spend on the wedding day.

Married life is one step at a time but you have to start from where you are now.

RITA

Maybe I don’t even know where I am right now. I don’t think I know what I’m doing.

MRS. OJO

You’re a good girl Rita, don’t look at what’s happening around you right now, just follow your heart and it will take you where you belong.

Mrs Ojo walks off to her desk. Rita is lost in thoughts for a

moment.

Rita finds her mobile phone in her bag. It’s switched off. She switches it on to see ten missed calls mostly from Jenny and a text message. The message is from David.

Close shot on phone.

Message reads; HEY BABE DON’T FORGET WE’RE MEETING AT THE

JOINT BY 6PM. Xxx.

Rita looks up at the office wall clock. It’s 5:30PM.

 

INT. N.G.I.T OFFICE HALLWAY

RITA’S POV

MUSIC CUE: SUSPENSE

We push towards the exit door. Open exit door to reveal the busy Lagos street outside the office.

Angle on: Rita flagging down a taxi.

Behind Rita We see a MAN, late thirties, trousers round his stomach, tucked in T. Shirt, multi-colored socks and very pointed shoes. He approaches Rita with his arms spread out.

MAN

(strong Igbo accent)

Baby, baby, baby.

Rita is startled, turns and moves away from his reach.

MAN (CONT’D)

Baby it’s me your boy MEKUS. Where

are you going like this?

Rita has her hand on her chest.

RITA

(upset)

Could you please not scare me like that again. I could’ve jumped into the road.

MEKUS

Hew mba nunu, baby you jump, I jump.

RITA

And I’ve told you to stop stalking me.

MEKUS

(shocked)

Me Mekus stock you? Mba mba, baby I get plenty goods wey I keep for stock inside workshop but you? You are too beautiful for stocking. Na you be my front market, my showcase hew my center table.

A taxi stops.

RITA

You’re crazy.

Rita hops into the taxi.

MEKUS

I crazy for you fine girl, I crazy

for you.

Taxi zooms off with Rita.

 

 

INT. JENNY’S OFFICE

Jenny sits behind a desk full of paperwork and files.

Phone rings. She picks.

JENNY

Hello.

(pause, listening)

Yes Jenny speaking.

(pause for a moment)

Oh hi Richard, how are you? How’s work?

(pause)

Work is fine? That’s great.

Jenny signals a thumbs up in excitement.

JENNY (CONT’D)

(pause)

You want us to meet, okay where do you have in mind?

(pause)

Okay, but bear in mind I’m not too good with faces so you may need to hold a placard or something with your name boldly written on it.

(laughing)

Well I look forward to meeting you.

 

 

INT. RESTURANT

MUSIC CUE: SLOW JAZZ.

We slowly pan across a nice classy restaurant not too crowded. Rita is sitting at a table for two, checking her wristwatch. David arrives, kisses her on the forehead and goes to sit.

RITA

You’re late.

DAVID

Sorry babe, I had to pick something up on the way here.

RITA

Yeah yeah. Whatever.

DAVID

(smiling)

So. How was work today?

RITA

Dave, I’m not sure I’ll have a job by next week. That man has put me on a deadline to bring in N1million naira by Monday.

DAVID

Where does he expect you to get that kind of money from in a week? That man gets on my last nerves babe. I’ve told you to apply for a job with MicroTech, they are

multinationals, the pay is fantastic, not the peanuts you’re getting for all this headache and they operate very professionally.

RITA

And I’ve told you how impossible it is to get into MicroTech. All the checks and requirements, they want so many years of experience and not to mention the fact that they get like a million applicants a week or something.

DAVID

Nothing is impossible.

RITA

Yeah right.

David motions for the WAITRESS.

RITA (CONT’D)

You know we can’t afford to eat anything here today.

DAVID

(smiles)

Yes we can.

David slides a cheque across the table to Rita.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Just made a quick sale today of one of those my small portraits.

RITA

25K?

DAVID

Yep, so relax, eat and drink and we’ll have plenty of change left over.

The waitress arrives.

RITA

(shaking her head)

You just don’t get it do you. First of all this cheque hasn’t cleared and you’ve obviously gone and dipped into the savings to cash whatever money you’re planning to spend here. Secondly even if it clears, has it dawned on you that we’re less than six weeks away from the wedding date and we haven’t paid for the venue, haven’t bought the rings, haven’t paid the balance to the canopy people and we are yet to balance the lady making my gown.

David signals her to lower her voice.

RITA (CONT’D)

Don’t tell me to lower my voice.

Dave turns to the waitress.

DAVID

Please, I’ll call you later.

The waitress leaves.

RITA

If I tell you to talk to your dad and raise the money from him, your pride won’t let you, I don’t know who you’re posing for but you’re suffering in silence.

DAVID

Babe I’m not posing for anyone and I don’t need my father’s money to succeed.

Rita snaps in.

RITA

Yeah of course, you’re a big boy now but how many big boys are struggling the way you’re struggling? How many of them are waiting for miracles and manner to fall down from heaven?

DAVID

Don’t even talk to me like that ‘cos you know how hard I work, you know I don’t just sit down and wait for some manner to drop from heaven. But miracles, yeah I believe in miracles ‘cos that’s how I paid my rent, that’s why I have favor with my customers. Do you know how many artists out there who haven’t sold anything this year? I mean look at you…you’ve forgotten so quickly how hard we prayed for you to get this job and you got it in a very miraculous way.

(pause, calms down)

Please let’s not…let’s…I’d appreciate it if you just stop despising our humble beginnings.

RITA

Humble beginnings? don’t even go there with me, I will teach you what humble beginning is about ‘cos you can’t sit there and yap nonsense after growing up in a

mansion, doing primary and secondary school in England, throwing all that money around in University and just because you’ve decided to become a religious nut

case who has sacrificed the pleasures of this world to become a suffering commoner doesn’t qualify you to lecture me about suffering. I’ve had my fair share of suffering

and I’m done with it. Now I want my share of financial security, (pauses for a moment) And you know what, with each passing day you make me more and more afraid that I’m never going to get it if I stay with you.

DAVID

What do you mean by that?

RITA

I don’t know Dave, but I’m just telling you how I feel right now. I just know that I’m not having any sham, knock together, budget wedding with anybody.

David gazes at Rita for a while.

DAVID

I know you’re under a lot of pressure right now but try and trust me babe. I promise we’ll be fine. Just watch and see.

(David motions again to the waitress)

Just two bottles of malt please, thanks.

RITA

By the way, my mum called.

DAVID

Oh yeah, what have I done this time?

RITA

Well, she just needs to know why we didn’t send her any money last month.

DAVID

Oh come on, are you serious? And you say she knows we’re planning our wedding right now?

RITA

She’s fully aware.

DAVID

She’s just going to have to hate me a lot more than she already does right now.

RITA

She doesn’t hate you Dave, she just hates the amount of money in your

bank account. (chuckles) Nothing personal.

The drinks arrive.

DAVID

It’s not funny. That’s even worse.

RITA

Look who’s talking. So now you see what I’m talking about. Every time I start to complain about my mother you’re always the first to shut me up and tell me how she’s my mother and we have to honour her etc, etc. Oya find the money and honour now.

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