Tag Archives: party

It’s Another Novocaine Saturday #10

As promised…although it’s coming very late. Goodnight, ye nightcrawlers

Evening falls and I am chill. I have turned off the air conditioners and parted the curtains to let the air in. I have switched off the lights too. Jiney is asleep and I have the house all to myself. A glass of wine, a bowl of chicken, a collection of my favorite songs and I’m fighting depression like a pro.

Okay, not really like a pro. I feel far from ace but I will pretend that everything is fine. My doctor won’t write me a prescription for the sake of Jiney, although he admits that the pills wouldn’t have any effects on her.

“Talk it out with your husband, Honey,” he advises me. “If you settle your fight with him, I’m certain you’ll feel better. If you don’t, then come back to me.”

So, here I am, listening to I Fall to Pieces, but holding it together, hoping Nne has gotten through to her son’s blockhead and he’ll come home to me.


The baby monitor makes a sound and Jiney’s scream comes next. I break away from my ‘me time’ and hurry to She who must be fed. I bring her back to the living room and we activate nursing mode. As usual, she sucks me dry until I almost fall asleep. When she is satisfied, she goes back to bed without even as much as giving me a smile. After I put her away, I slip into my nightshirt. It’s 8pm already and I doubt that Jide will come home tonight. Suddenly the chicken and wine lose their appeal. I am on my way to dumping them in the kitchen when I hear Jide’s car making it into the compound. It’s a sound I have missed. However, I hold back from my usual running to the door to welcome him. Instead, I take a leisurely walk to it, unlock it and wait…

But he does not come in. He takes the backdoor, and I do not realize this until he calls me.

I turn around to see my husband in scrubs with a contrite smile and hands bearing gifts.

“I’m so sorry, sugams.”

“Me too.” I give off something between a laugh and a muffled sob as I rush to him. When I throw my arms around him, the gifts hit the floor. He is about to speak but I hush him with my lips over his. I rape the man’s mouth which is by the way, the sweetest thing ever. I can see he still wants to apologize but really who apology epp when hormones are on a high?

Soon my hotstuff responds to my urgency with the same fire and we’re flinging clothes to the floor. I push him to one of the couches. I go after him. I use my mouth on him, tasting, nibbling, licking, sucking. I get him speaking in strange languages. I handle that tool like a boss. By the time I’m done with it, it will nod only to me.

But Jide cannot wait. He stops me, pulls me to him and takes my waist. I am lifted by strong arms and I sink down on him. We stop for a second and I smile for no reason as his fingers dig into my bum.

“Do your thing, Hon.”

And I do my thing. I do my man. In a way I had never done before. I am savage. Blame it on Hauwa and the wild imaginings in my head. Nne has told me to trust my husband but this mind of mine will not stop thinking the worst. Anyways, I have decided to channel my insecurity into better use and Jide will be happier for it.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” he says to me in-between inaudible sounds of pleasure. I laugh, stop and lower myself to kiss him. He pushes my hair which has fallen over his face backwards and buries his fingers in to deepen the kiss.

“I love you, Hon.”

“Me too, baby.”

I go back to my former position. The ride is wilder this time and Jide cannot just keep quiet. You know when a man gets it so good he starts to call you all the sweet and nasty names you ever heard. He even promises you heaven on earth.

“iPhone 7,” I request.

“Yes! iPhone 7 with the EarPods. Chai! This woman, you’ll kill me.”

And kill him I do – when I stop just as he is at the brink, and finish it off with some mouth love, giving him a full brain drain. He dies for some minutes, unable to speak or move. I microwave the chicken and serve it with chilled wine. Both naked, we lie under the coziness of a blanket in our bedroom. He then takes his time to explain to me who Hauwa is to him. Although I feel better now that I know there’s absolutely nothing between them, I am jealous of their relationship. I want that with him – the friendship part. We don’t have it yet. We’re still lovers. I want to be his best friend. No other woman should take that spot.

“But why did you get angry and walk away like that, hotstuff?” I ask, circling my finger around a mole on his thigh.

“I was angry, that’s all.”

“That’s not all, Jide. Something pushed you. You don’t get angry like that. It builds up. What pushed you?”

He lets out a long sigh. “Can I sit up for this?”


He pulls down the blanket and rests his back on a pillow as he sits straight.

“This is going to be brutally honest, Hon. You’re sure you want to hear it?”

My heart misses a beat. “You cheated again?”

“No, no, no. Haba, Erhinyuse. Trust me nau. Trust your husband. I promised that I’ll never touch another woman. I even just told you that I never cheated on you with Hauwa. Why can’t you just trust me?”

The sadness in his tone gets me sad as well. “I’m sorry.”

It takes him some time to recover from my accusation and go back to what he wants to say.

“Remember when you put me through one week of hell after I confessed to you that I cheated on you in Zanzibar?”


“And how a wedding date was fixed and all?”


“Honey… the truth is… I wasn’t ready to get married. I felt kind of forced into it. Marriage was not what I wanted at the time.”

I shift away from him a little. This is not consciously; my body just shifts away.

“I understood that you were pregnant and didn’t want to be showing at the wedding and that also, you needed to stamp yourself in my life, following what I had done… I understood, but I wasn’t ready. My own plan was for us to have the baby and then fix a date. So much had happened to me in a short while—the accident, my neurological issues, my infidelity… I didn’t want any of that carried into our marriage. I wanted a clean slate, to heal properly, to go to therapy with you, to help you with your depression, to enjoy being pregnant with you. I wanted to know you better, Erhinyuse, to become your best friend through our struggles. There was so much we could have done without the pressure of marriage.

“But you wanted the fairytale so badly you took all the issues between us and slathered them over with a magical wedding. I was hurting inside. I felt hamstrung. But I didn’t want you to know because I was scared to kick off your bipolar. I just wanted you to be happy. You needed to know that I was not like every other man out there, and so even when you bugged my phone again and the spy detection app I installed informed me, I was silent. When you said you didn’t feel like sex because of the pregnancy, I didn’t complain. And when you became a pregzilla and constantly demanded for an arm and a foot, I gave you all you wanted, denying my own pleasures. For me, the marriage came too early. The wedding spoiled a good thing. Resentment built up in me and I didn’t even know. When Hauwa came into the scene, I didn’t decide to hang out with her just to spite you. No, it was just a window to get away, to be reminded of who I was before I bore the husband title.

“It was wrong to seek that in her. I should have come to you, spoken to you and together we’ll trace our way back but no, I enjoyed the escape. And so when we had our fight on Sunday, I snapped. I am sorry I held all of that for so long, Hon.”

He looks at my face and sees it covered with tears. He slips back into the blanket.

“Please, don’t cry.”

“I’m so sorry, Jide. I didn’t know you didn’t want to get married.”

“I didn’t say that, Use. I said I was not ready at the time. Are you crazy? How can I not want to marry the most beautiful woman in the world? Who will I now leave you with? You’re my best friend.”

“I am?”

He wipes my tears. “You are.”

“Not Hauwa or Tomiwa?”

“Have you seen me near Mary of late? Abeg o! She’s somebody else’s property. Just like you’re mine.” He kisses my nose. “You and I will love like there’s no tomorrow but please, learn to trust me. I’ll never cheat on you.”

“But can Hauwa just disappear already?”

“You feel threatened by her?”

“Nope,” I lie.

“Hauwa wants to settle down. Badly. So, if you can give her one of your male friends, she will forever be loyal.”

I have no intention of doing that so I keep my mouth shut.

“Do you want to eat microwaved popcorn and watch Power or just make love?” Jide asks.

“Power, popcorn and your fine ass,” I reply, my hand stroking his junk, which is already hard, by the way.

“You’re looking for trouble, sugar lips.” He throws off the blanket, climbs over me and soon he’s filling every inch of me. Power and popcorn come much later, after I have been made love to like a princess, pounded like a whore and eaten out like a honey pot.

It’s almost midnight now and Jiney has had another feed. Jide changes her diapers while I make popcorn and then we both cuddle up to watch Power. We haven’t quite gone into it when my phone rings.

“It’s Yazmin,” I tell Jide.

“Again? What has Mex done this time?”

I take the call.

“Honey, I sent you some messages on Whatsapp. Please check them.”

“Is everything okay?”

“No… erm…I don’t know. I Just… please, check them and tell me what to do.”


She goes off the line. I get on Whatsapp and see two messages from her, telling me that Emeka has just left the house to Omoh’s place.


-I dunno

-Who gave him Omoh’s address?

-He got it from me

-How did you know the way to Omoh’s house??

-He sent it to me. He invited me over

-And you went?


-Wait, you mean you didn’t block him as I advised???

-I did but he went on Twitter and sent me a DM and then Papi saw it and now he’s on his way there. Please, help. Do I go after him

-Are you alright? It’s 12 midnight. Stay back.


-But you sef you light a fire and sit back to watch it burn. I have a feeling you’re enjoying this

-I am not, I swear

I roll my eyes. Yazmin is quite dumb for not completely blocking Omoh from all her social media accounts. You don’t deal with creepy men using kids gloves, unless you like the attention. I have a feeling she enjoys getting a rise out of Emeka.

And the Omoh person, he clearly needs to be buried alive for a few minutes. He had promised me when we met earlier today in his office that he would back off Yazmin, although he insisted that she didn’t deserve to be anyone’s second wife. What’s with sending his house address to her?

And finally, Mex cum Papi cum hothead brother-in-law, what is he thinking he’s up to?

-Yaz, if things get hairy, call me or Jide

-Sure. Thanks

I dump my phone on the nightstand and relate to Jide details of the chat.

“Should we step in?” I ask.

“Nope. They’re adults. Ignore them jare.”

He drags me close and nestles me between his legs. Soon his fingers begin to work on my nipples.

“Really?” I ask as I feel him grow hard again.

“You starved me for seven months, ma’am.”

“So you want to catch up in one night?”

“Just the tip. I promise.”

“Jide…” I whine but weakly. I still need more of him even though my body is exhausted. Well, one more orgasm won’t hurt.

He moves me into a spooning position and gently slides into me. When he starts moving, my body falls into a relaxed state. This is his famous sleep potion. It’s pleasurable, at the same time soothing.

I don’t know when I fall asleep.

∞∞∞∞  ∞∞∞∞  ∞∞∞∞

Party Celia is back, and it takes me less than twenty-four hours to put together a Saturday shindig, inviting all our friends. I had not bothered with the little details of preparing the small chops. I simply called a catering service and made orders. This was after I had a set of furniture and curtains brought into the new house. It seems I am beginning to enjoy the effects of being able to afford stuff. Things happen at the click of your fingers when you have the means.

I love our new home. The rent is on debt, though. A certain sum will be taken out of Shady’s salary until it is all paid off; this fundamentally means that he is stuck with Ibro for a while. But it’s a good deal since Shady is a massive hit to the business in the short time he has been there.

“I went there, knowing nothing about selling cars,” he tells me as we both fix the new curtains.

“But you’ve always been a fantastic salesman, Shade.”

He bends to give me a kiss on my nose. He loves when I call him Shade. No one else does that.

“At that your stupid, old job, they overused and underpaid you,” I reminded him, passing him a pole and a pair of curtains.

“Well, I kept all the details of their clientele and sent them newsletters. Ibro didn’t want to do a slash on the prices at first. But after a one-week test run, he was singing a different tune. Now, he wants us to extend it to a month. I told him it would be too much of a good thing. We need to maintain our standard.”

Dara strolls in with her sippy cup in her hand. “Mommy, tea.” She points it at me. I follow her to the kitchen, make some hot chocolate for her and we return to Shady.

“How about Nollywood? Don’t you want to act anymore?”

He looks at me. “Babe, do you want us to go down that road again or do you want to make money?”

“Just asking.” I pass over the last set of curtains to him. Dara and I watch him fix them and three of us stand back to enjoy the beautiful mix of rainbow colors on all four windows.

“It’s beautiful,” he mentions and then rests his chin on my head. “You color my world, Cee. Don’t ever leave me again.”

I smile.

“Daddy?” Dara lifts both hands in the air at him.

“Yes, babe?”


“Didn’t you just drink some now?” I question her.

“Tea,” she repeats, her face coming to a sob. Shady lifts her up and takes her to the kitchen.

“You are spoiling that girl, Shadrach.” I go around picking little bits of gold threads and discarded décor pieces from the floor. When I’m almost through, I remember I have a phone call to make. I take a break from cleaning and call Naomi.

“Hi sweetheart,” she answers.

“Morning, Naomi.”

“How was your night?”

“Good. Yours?”

“Awesome. The husband came home last night. He was smelling of roses. You know I hate roses. No lipstick stain, this time. Thank God. But I found a red strand of hair on his shoulder. Red, synthetic hair. How can he stoop so low?”

This is not why I called. I am not interested in what happens in her marriage but she never gets the memo.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Nay.”

“Thanks. I should get me my own little sidechick, you know?”

“Hopefully she’s not me.”

“Hopefully, she is.”

“Anyways, I’m calling to remind you of my little get-together this evening. Are you coming?”

“Yes. but just briefly. The husband and I are having sex tonight. I’m ovulating. He wants this baby badly.”

Naomi is not interested in having a kid. Her husband believes that she has infertility issues but nothing is wrong with her. She is on the pill and he has no idea.

“Nay, soon he’ll find out the truth. You can’t pay off every hospital to keep lying to him.”

“Until he finds out, my womb stays untouched.”

“So you’re coming?”

“Yeah, dear.”

“Okay. See you by seven.”

After I drop the call, Shady and I put everything together to ensure that the party turns out well. Daylight breezes by speedily and darkness skulks in. Bobby and Kate are the first to arrive, owing to Bobby’s punctual nature. I hear that these days he is busy with a small tech hub he opened on the island. It is particularly set up for students and for people like him who have other things taking up their time but are crazy about IT. I hear Kate manages the hub well.

We hug as they walk in. Kate hands me a bottle of wine while fighting off their chubby son who feels the wine should not belong to me. We have a laugh over it and I point her to a couch.

Mary and Ekene are next. My former best friend embraces me like I have just returned from the dead. She asks me a lot of questions in a short stretch of one minute. She wants to catch up before the other wives come. I don’t have time for that as I hear the doorbell ringing again.

I dash for it and we have Peace smiling at me like the freaking sun. Behind her is her German boyfriend. I wonder if he finally got circumcised.

Next are Jide and Honey. They are wearing matching traditional attires, having just left a wedding. I tell them they look adorable. Honey hands me the fourth bottle of wine for the evening, and as they walk in to join the others, Jide holds her from behind, whispering into her ear. I smile at them. They give all of us relationship goals.

Lastly, her highness, Noka, steps in with Ibro.

“And she finally comes home,” she mutters after giving me an up and down look. “Nice wedges, sha. Prada?”

I nod. You can’t fault Noka’s eye for fashion. She always hits it on the head, although I feel like when it comes to wearing the chicest outfits, Honey is queen.

“Hi, Ibro.”

Ibro gives me an unexpected hug and whispers into my ear, “you did us all a solid by disappearing. It would be nice if it keeps happening.”

I laugh and he lets me go.

“How are you, though?”

“I’m good and I’m indebted to you, Ibrahim.”

“Ba yawa. We were just upset that you guys hid what was going on for so long. Why?”

I look down in embarrassment.

“Well, we thank God that all is good now. If you need anything…”

“Just call me,” Noka chips in with a smile that says ‘don’t you dare go near my husband.’

“Thank you, Ibro,” I answer.

They walk in and the others hail them with cheerful shouts. I grin. I have missed this. All of it—friends, laughter, naughtiness and a good time. I have the whole package for them tonight.


It starts with light conversation. Over drinks and small chops, we catch up on what has been going on in each other’s lives. I notice I haven’t missed anything much, save for the pictures a certain Hauwa lady shared of Jide and herself in Canada. Jide gets the heat from all of us and we demand he issues a dramatic apology to Honey even though he keeps explaining that they are past the issue.

“Apologize, oga.” Noka passes around her phone where she has saved the photos.

“You people should leave my hubs alone, biko,” Honey protests. We all shut her down. Jide must apologize.

He leaves his space beside her and stands in front of her. We are all expecting him to swing out some magical words but Jide lowers and gives her a long French kiss that leaves all of us embarrassed.

“You guys shouldn’t have insisted,” Bobby comments, breaking the intense silence.

“E don do o!” Noka claps, stopping them.

“Leave them alone,” Peace hushes her and stares longingly. I doubt that she is still seeing Reno. The German is becoming a fixture in her life.

Finally, the lovebirds part lips.

“Two of you are so shameless,” Mary says.

“Look who is talking,” Honey throws back.

Ekene politely asks for a drink of water. I dash into the kitchen to bring another round of drinks. Mary comes along and I hand her a tray containing small glasses of cocktail.

“What are they for?”

“You’ll see.”

When we return to the living room, we meet the others arguing over something political. It’s not the way I want the evening to go, so I take over the mood and announce that I have a game for them.

“This is why I’m actually here,” Bobby exclaims in a dance.

“We’ve actually missed your silly games, Cee,” Mary mentions.

“Thank you, fam.” I curtesy. “So, down to business. This game is called Never Have I Ever. I’m sure you guys know it…”

“I don’t,” Ibro states.

“Well, it’s simple,” I say, pulling out a piece of paper from my jean pocket. “On this paper, I have over a hundred statements that describe acts starting with the line Never Have I Ever. When I read out anyone and you have ever done it, you will indicate by having a drink of what’s on that second tray. I know we have two breastfeeding mommies here, so we’ll have them drop five hundred bucks each time they have ever been guilty of anything I read out. If you know you’re going to be driving. please, drop five hundred bucks. Don’t worry. I have change, a whole bundle of hundreds.”

“What will you do with the money, madam?” Noka asks.

“It’s for charity, dear. So, are we ready?”

Enthusiastic nods meet my question. I smile evilly. They have no idea what awaits them. I take my seat.

“Never have I ever watched porn with someone else.”

A general gasp spreads across the room as they all stare at each other. Jide breaks the silence by reaching for a drink. Laughter follows and other hands go for cocktails. Honey drops five hundred naira. Only Kate and Mary do neither.

“Tomiwa, you’ve never watched porn with someone else before?” I probe.

“I have never watched porn before. Period.”

“That’s a lie!” Bobby counters. “In school, you walked in on me and my ex…”

“Abeg o!”

“…watching porn. You remember?”

“I walked in and walked out. Remember I freaked out? Since then, I have never ever watched it again.”

“Holiness aunty,” Noka murmurs. “Dey carry Bible for your head.”

“Worefa. Continue jare.”

I read out the next statement. “Never have I ever taken someone’s virginity.”

“Jisos!” Bobby exclaims. We all laugh. But Jide, again, takes the lead. We glare at him. He downs his drink before he answers.

“We were teenagers. She wasn’t my first, though.”

Ekene goes next and everyone holds back stares, avoiding Honey’s eyes. We all know the love story they once shared. Bobby is third to pick a drink.

“But of course,” Jide says. Kate hides her face in a hanky.

“Anyone else?”

There are no more candidates, so I reach forward and take a drink. Shady’s mouth drops open as do the others.

“You guys don’t want to know. Moving on!” I read out the third statement. “Never have I ever lied to protect a cheating friend.”

All the wives give their husbands accusatory glances as fresh laughter erupts. But I surprise them and go first. Gasps replace the laughter; they fix their eyes on me downing the cocktail. When I put the glass back on the tray, I catch Noka’s glare. I hold it but she looks away.

The men follow my lead. Kate drops a thousand naira note and I give her five hundred.

I read on. “Never have I ever woken up next to a complete stranger.”

“Everybody, abeg pick a glass and drink!” Ibro yells as Shady refills empty glasses.

“Y’all hoes,” Honey says, going first. “I’ll own my shame.”

I watch them all down their drinks. Kate and I are the only ones who have never woken up to total strangers.

“Behold, my wife in whom I am well pleased.” Shady blows me a kiss. I catch it and place it on my chest.

“Not like you met her a virgin,” Noka sneers.

“Moving on!” I cut her off, and continue with the game. My questions get more interesting and downright nasty. More drinks, more mirth and things wind up in the course of an hour. No one is colossally tipsy because I had ensured, while making the cocktail, that the alcohol percentage doesn’t cause any drunkenness.

“Celia, it’s good to have you back,” Jide tells me.


“We missed this.”

“Me too,” I reply. I begin to clear the table. Mary and Peace offer to help me. Honey joins them and we all walk to the kitchen.

“So, where did you go, aunty?” Mary probes. “You look so fresh and fluffy.”

“You should travel more often,” Honey adds. “It suits you.”

“Thanks, girls.”

“Where exactly did you go?” Noka comes in.

I face her. “Fiji.”

“Your girlfriend took you there?”

“She’s not my girlfriend, Noks.”

“What girlfriend?” Honey and Peace ask simultaneously.

I place wine glasses in the sink. I have anticipated this moment and prepared a response.

“I just wanted to get away and Naomi was going on a short vacation and she took me along.”

“She didn’t kiss you again or anything like that?” Peace is genuinely worried.

“No, she didn’t.”

“You’re sure?”

I chuckle. “I’m sure, P. By the way, she offered me a job which involves me traveling the world with her.”

“What type of job is that?” Mary queries.

“Personal consultant.”

Peace takes on a ‘mommy countenance’. “And you said no, right?”

“Actually, I said yes.”

Everyone stops what they’re doing to focus on me.

“Why, Cee?” Peace’s voice is broken. “You’ll leave Dara and Shady and follow a woman who forced her lips on you and told you she wanted an affair with you?”

“Na wa o!” Noka claps her hands. “Nothing we no go hear.”

“That’s not a sound decision coming from you, Cee,” Mary asserts.

“Can I explain myself?”

They give permission. I tell Kate who has just stepped in to shut the door. As she does, I take a pose with crossed arms.

“I really need this job. Not for the money, not for the long haul. I need it for now.”

“Why?” Honey asks.

“Girls, that slap Shady gave me woke me up. It made me think about my life and where I am headed as a person, as a woman. Money has always been an issue for us as a couple. I had had dreams. Huge dreams for us, but none of them came true; and for a moment it seemed like life was passing me by. In fact, life passed me by for a while. And then I went to Fiji and saw that there was a world out there that I wanted to be part of.

“I am not leaving my marriage or my kid. I am just…trying to live. When you get married, you leave a lot of yourself behind. Your goals become about you and your husband – and then the kids, when they start popping out. And so, you abandon yourself and years go by and you realize that you’re now old and you can’t find the person you used to be or the dreams you used to have.

“I don’t want to be a statistic. I want to have a story to tell my kids one day, of how I traveled the world and of all the places I’ve been and people I met. I don’t want to be some plain, old Jane who wakes up one day and regrets what she could have been, or if she could have had it better.”

“Awww, this is inspiring,” Noka utters blandly. “I actually have tears in my eyes.”

Honey flashes her a nasty glare.

“But you’ve forgotten to add that the person who is flying you up and down to fulfil this your dream of discovering yourself actually wants to fuck you.”

“I know that, Noka.”

“And I have no squabbles with that, Celia. In short, go ahead and have an affair with her if that makes you happy. It’s all part of your midlife crisis, your…self-discovery… But please, make arrangements to get Dara a nanny so that your husband would stop taking her to work.”

“Ojonoka!” Honey spins to face her.


“I have had enough of your spitefulness! Enough! This is your last warning! If you do or say anything unkind to any of us from today…”

“You’ll do what?” Noka moves towards her.

“Oh, please, try me.” Honey also takes a step forward.

“Ladies, abeg,” Kate pleads. Noka laughs and claps her hands in a taunt but I can see on her face that she is scared of Honey’s unspoken threat.

“Okay o. I’ll play nice before someone with mental issues claws out my eyes.”

Mary dives in-between them. “Noka, get out.”

“What did I do?”

“Get out!” Mary repeats.

Noka turns around, picks a samosa from a paper plate and leaves.

“Honey, ignore her words,” Mary begs.

“It’s fine. It’s okay. She can joke about my issues as much as she likes but I’ll get her. Oh, I’ll so get her. She doesn’t know me.”

Angry, Honey also leaves the kitchen. I exhale sadly. This is not how I wanted the evening to turn out.

“It’s not your fault, Cee.” Mary rubs my back. “They’ll both cool off. Honey will be back to say she’s sorry.”

“She doesn’t need to apologize,” Peace mutters. I see anger in her eyes too. “Noka has gotten out of hand. We need to do something about her.”

“Can we not make this beautiful evening about that dumb bitch?” Mary voices out in frustration. She holds my face. “Celia, I may not understand what you’re feeling or how badly you want to fulfil your itchy feet but I’m solidly behind you. Just talk to Shady about it and make adequate plans for Dara. It would be nice if you even took her along on some of your trips. She is part of you. Just…make sure you are not hurting her and Shady in the end. Okay?”

I nod. She hugs me. Peace joins in the hug.

“But the moment that Naomi touches you inappropriately, please get on the next flight back to Nigeria after you give her a dirty slap.”

“Trust me nau.”

We break away and find Kate washing wine and cocktail glasses. We help her out and in minutes the kitchen is clean. On our way out, Honey comes back in. She pulls me aside.

“I’m sorry for what just happened here. Noka gets on my nerves with her attitude.”

“Honey, it’s fine. No need to apologize. You handled her fuckup…”

“Not quite. I’m planning for her. She feels she’s better than all of us but I’ll show her that she isn’t. When I dig up dirt about her and expose her shit…”

I shake my head. “No need to, Hon.”

“I will o. Everyone has skeletons in their closet and I’ll find hers…”

“Trust me, you don’t want to dig out Noka’s. Just let it be.”

Jide pokes his head in. “I’m ready if you are, Hon.”

“Give me a second,” she responds. Jide thanks me for a wonderful night and leaves.

“Travel to anywhere you want to, Cee. Follow your heart but don’t forget those who need you.”

“I won’t.”

Honey squeezes me, pecks my cheek and dashes out. One after the other, they leave, but Ibro stays back to tidy up business deals with Shady. While they sit at the dining table and pore over some papers, Noka follows me into Dara’s bedroom.

“Nice place.” She looks around. Flowers, lush green lawn and butterflies are painted on the wall – all of Shady’s doing. The bed, wardrobe and floor are all in different hues of pink that match the decor. I am proud of him for this. It seems I am not the only one who found myself after that slap. He has changed quite a lot. My going away also did him some good. Having learned to care for his child all alone and to clean the house too, he is now hands-on with domestic responsibilities. Who knew he had this shade to him?

“Celia?” Noka calls.

“Yeah?” I reply. My hands are busy with Dara’s onesies.

“I know I come off as bitchy and insensitive but you know I’m not like that, Cee. You know I love you. All I was trying to say in the kitchen before Honey went all savage on me is that having Dara being in the showroom with Shady is unprofessional…”

“Did you know that Dara is starting school on Monday?”

“She is?”

“But what do you care? Your mind is occupied with the next blowjob you’re going to give the father of your illegitimate son just because you can’t pay up the blackmail money he keeps increasing every year.”

Noka’s shoulders slump down. “Why are you bringing this up?”

“Because your life is so perfect and one day Ibro will find out that the boy you call your little cousin is actually your son and you guys will live happily ever after.”

“Please, don’t tell Honey this or she’ll use it against me.”

“I’m not going to tell on you but I will if you don’t stop being a bitch.”

“I’ll try.”

“You’d better.”

She watches me tuck Dara in and then she puts her arms around me for a hug. “Goodnight.”


She walks out of the bedroom and stops.

“He’s asking for more than blowjobs now. The last time, he wanted me to go all the way. I told him I couldn’t. I gave him some money. That was why I couldn’t contribute when the girls suggested that we should give you something.”

“Noka, don’t sleep with him. And stop giving him head. Tell the truth.”


“Just do. Your son needs to know who he is and Ibro needs to know the truth.”

“I can’t…”

“Then let us help you. We’ll tell our husbands and they’ll talk to him. Just stop lying and cheating on him.”

Her eyes glisten. “I can’t.”

Shady appears and she wipes her eyes subtly. “Ibro is ready to leave. Are you ladies done?”


I step out of Dara’s bedroom and together we walk to the sitting room. Shady and I escort them to their car. When they leave, we go back into the house and I find that my phone is ringing.

I put it to my ear.

“Hi Naomi.”

A sobbing voice at the other end comes on. “Cece?”

“Nay, what’s wrong?”

“Can you come over, please?”

“Right now?”

“Yes. Please, come over. Please…”

I don’t ask her what is wrong. I quickly explain to Shady that she needs me. We already talked about her last night and in his opinion, she is no threat to our relationship. However, I am not sure he will feel the same way if I tell him of my travel plans.

“You want me to drive you there?” he asks.

“No, I’m good.”

He passes me his car key and I hurry out of the house. I find that I am genuinely worried about Naomi. We had become quite close during the trip but solely as friends. I worry that something bad has happened to her.

When I arrive at her house and a maid leads me up to her bedroom, my breath is held.

I open the door. “Naomi?”

“I’m here,” she answers from the bathroom. I stroll through a messy room, not made untidy by habit but by what seems like a scuffle. I step over broken glass and cosmetics flung from the dressing table as I aim for the bathroom.

“Come in.”

I push the door open and find Naomi on the floor. I can hardly recognize her as her face is red and black and swollen into twice its size in certain places.


“He found out, Cece. He found out I’ve been lying to him and he beat me. He almost killed me. He was choking me…”

Her voice is barely a whisper and fear rests on her face. I rush to her.

“Let’s get you to the hospital.”

I help her up and discover that the blood I see on the floor is from between her legs. The entire floor on which she sits is covered in a pool.

“He wanted to kill me,” she repeats. “He stomped on my tummy, telling me he’ll destroy my womb since I won’t carry his baby.”

I fume, mad at her a husband, a man I have neither seen nor spoken to. I help her out of her clothes and put her under the shower to wash away the mess. I need to clean her up before taking her to the hospital. I hope she hasn’t lost too much of blood.

“Don’t leave me,” she clutches my hands as the water hits her body.

“I won’t.”


∞∞∞∞  ∞∞∞∞  ∞∞∞∞

Genesis is startled out of her sleep. She had gone to bed quite early after organizing some seminar for financial moguls. The day hadn’t been exactly fun for her, as Zach had gotten into a crying spell that threw her into an unpleasant mood. When she couldn’t handle his tantrum, she left him in the care of Iya Idaya.

Mamisi had also been contributory to her grumpiness. The old woman showed up unannounced and dumped a heap of clothes in the laundry room. Genesis scolded her and they got into a fight. Iya Idaya stepped in with an offer to launder the clothes but Genesis would have none of it. She asked Mamisi to leave, then stomped up the stairs and went straight to bed.

Now she is awake, not sure why she is. She turns off the air conditioners and opens the windows. The night is cold and the sky clear with a full moon.

Genesis walks back to her bed. She clutches her rosary and soon falls asleep.

She dreams…

On the bed, lying beside her is Dominic. Motionless. Stiff. Cold. Pale.

She wakes up with a scream, her heart pounding painfully in her chest. Her rosary is still clutched in her hand but she holds it tighter. She begins to pray. She is incoherent, her words disjointed. But she prays on, until she finds some peace.

She lies back again and falls asleep once more. There are no more bad dreams waiting. She makes it to the morning.

When she stirs up at daylight, her nose picks the strong scent of Dominic’s perfume but she doesn’t give it much thought. Having had nothing to eat last night, hunger drives her downstairs. She bursts into the kitchen and is surprised to find Dominic with the twins.


“Look who’s finally awake!” he stretches a hand and she ambles to it.

“Why are you here?”

“I missed you guys so much that I decided to come back.”

She bends for a kiss from him, and then delivers several pecks on her children’s cheeks.

“Seriously, why are you back?”

“I missed you guys nau. I can’t miss my family again?”

“I’m thinking that maybe I’m still sleeping, so I’ll go back upstairs, crawl back into bed and wake up when morning comes.”

Dominic laughs heartily. “I’ll come and show you that I’m real.”

He calls for Iya Idaya and instructs her to continue feeding the kids. He drags Genesis upstairs. In their bedroom, he kisses her until she is breathless.

“Was that real enough or you need to wake up?”

He doesn’t let her answer. He kisses her again, lifting her nightshirt and kneading her backside.

“This feels real,” she moans.

“Not quite yet.”

He tosses her to the bed. Her mouth salivates at the sight of his blatant erection. She has always been able to get completely turned on by just seeing him aroused, whether nude or clothed. The man is impressively endowed. She waits in anticipation as he undresses. He makes it clear that he isn’t in the mood for foreplay. She isn’t either. A week ago she had found him too clingy. Now, she doesn’t mind if he is stuck in her all day.

He falls on the bed and goes straight to business. He is wild and nasty, reminiscent of that first night they made love when he went into her apartment and demanded her body like he owned it. Time and work took that edge away. Their sex life remains awesome but nothing can be compared to that night…

Except this.


Soon, Genesis is screaming out his name. She has never been one to hold in her pleasure. She arches into his every possessive, powerful thrust. She gives back as she gets it but soon finds that she can’t match his energy. Not this morning, at least. This morning, it’s all about him and how much he can give.

So, she takes and takes until she runs out of staying power.

He stops, panting hard, body soaked in sweat.

“What on earth did you eat in Singapore, Ditorusin?”

He laughs and leaves for the bathroom. She falls back on the bed. Sheets wet. Genitals quivering.

When she finally catches her breath, a smile fills her face. As she begins to wonder what has come over her husband, her phone beeps.

She picks it up and there’s a message from a foreign number.

Hi Genny. How are you doing? I’m guessing Nick is at home now. Please, rush him to the hospital. He is not in top shape. He had a heart attack during our first meeting here. After a doctor cleared him, I put his ass back on a plane home. Please, have his doctor give him a check. Love, Seyi.

Genesis jumps out of bed and hurries to the bathroom in annoyance. She flings the door open.

“Domi, you had a heart attack and didn’t tell me?!”

Her movement halts. Her hand freezes in the air. Dominic is lying on the floor, eyes looking up at the celling.

“Call the ambulance,” he rasps.





Images: welscua.blogspot.com, eroticnoire, blackmomsblog

It’s Another Saturday…#7

Because this is Another Saturday, I’m posting this. I don’t want it to come tomorrow.
Please comment and share, and help me wish my baby Kayla a happy birthday. It’s her birthday tomorrow, the 5th. I want to save your messages for her.
Have a blissful night and wonderful weekend ahead!

The One He Kissed

When Honey told me she could handle my friends, I had laughed in my head because I underestimated her. But now, sitting here and watching her, I can see that she is doing just what she said she would – effortlessly. Using that powerful mechanism called attraction.

The men literally are cross-eyed as she engages them in conversation. Watching her touch on every topic of discussion without acting all-conversant, and at the same time, showing she is knowledgeable enough, leaves me in awe. It is a skill she has mastered fine, the way she makes every person feel like they’re important in the conversation. It’s all in her physical and verbal expressions; peppered by that endearing manner in which she twirls the tip of a lone braid that has fallen across her shoulder from behind her left ear. Pure sex appeal!

I sit back like a boss with my glass of Bacardi and coke and watch her with smugness as she charms the pants off my friends. They are all giving me that look like ‘where did you get this babe from?’ Earlier Shady had pulled me aside to ask for details but the answer I gave him was vague because I knew he was only being Celia’s messenger.

And Celia…hmmm…

Her and her crew have regrouped in the kitchen under the guise of fixing up the small chops but I know they are poisoning the darts they plan to fire at Honey.

Oddly, they have left Mary behind. And now she vacates her chair to join me on the three-sitter Honey and I are sharing. I have a feeling the extra space has been hers all along. For a while she acts like she’s interested in the topic the guys are discussing but deftly, she arrests my attention with a single line.

“She’s beautiful.”

I turn. “Who?”

“Honey. She’s beautiful.”

I don’t look at Honey. I admire Mary instead, from head to toe. “So are you.”

She pulls at her short gown.

“I’ve always told you to dress like this and you’ve always said it was slutty. What happened today? Who’s the lucky guy you’re doing it for? Is he coming?”

“Lucky guy keh. I don’t need a man to look sexy. I can do bad all by myself.”

I laugh in a low tone. She has just used my line. “Have fun with your vibrator tonight, then.”

She hits me playfully and Honey gets distracted from her gist as she gives us a glance. She turns back immediately, to continue listening to Reno blab about his recent visit to Germany where he went to view the concentration camps.

“That was how you didn’t come for the wedding yesterday,” Mary speaks.

“Sorry about that.”

“You were with Honey?”


“How come you didn’t talk about her last Sunday when you were with me or even on Friday when I came to your office and literally spent the whole day?”

“Um…slipped my mind.”

“So you had your own girlfriend but you went and slept with Mex’s own?”

I put a finger to my lips to hush her.

“She doesn’t know abi?”

“No one knows,” I say inaudibly, “now shut up.”

Mary seems upset. She opens her mouth to continue her interrogation but Celia and her horde emerge from the kitchen, trays of small chops in their hands.

“Food! Finally!” I exclaim and spring up to help Celia with the tray in her hand. She wouldn’t let me, as she places it on the center table. Then she takes my hand and leads me back into the kitchen.

“Jide, tell the truth and shame the devil.”

“I solemnly swear to,” I reply, placing my hand on my chest.

“That chick is not your girlfriend.”

I lift my lips in a smile.

“I know Shady called you and told you what happened at the wedding yesterday and you decided to crop this girl up from nowhere so you can foil our plans to hook you up with Mary.”

“Whoa! Slow down. Wait…what?”

I marvel at my own acting skill at times. For a man who beds a lot of women, you just have to learn a little theater.

But Celia is not fooled.


“Yes, sweetheart.” I try charm. Smartness can’t help me out this time. “I…”

She pauses. My charm is working. I press on. “Have I told you I like your hair? The curls are perfect on you.”

She angles her head in the direction of the sitting room. “Shady, your friend is hitting on me!”

“Kick his balls!” Shady replies.

“As I was saying,” she continues.

“No, I was saying,” I interrupt. “Repeat that part about hooking me up with Mary. That was what you guys planned yesterday in my absence? Have you all gone crazy?”

“Nope. Two of you fit each other.”

“How? Mary’s like a sister to me.”

“Well, brothers don’t kiss their sisters.”

“It was a harmless kiss, Celia. There was nothing to it.”

“Not according to Mary.”

“Look, Cee, Honey is my girlfriend and please, no matter what you do, try not to bring this whole kissing Mary incidence up this night. It will break her heart.”

“Jide, you’re still looking into my eyes and lying like this.”

“I am not.”

“Well, since you won’t tell the truth, I’ll get it from her myself.”

Celia begins to walk away but I stop her. “How?”

Her eyes twinkle and I see little demons dancing in them. “She’s going to be on the barstool.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“It’s tradition, Jide. Every wife-to-be must go on our barstool.”

“I never said anything about wife here.”

“Jide, you know it’s tradition. We have weaned out terrible girlfriends and boyfriends in the past using this stool. If Honey is the one for you, we’ll know this night.”

Didn’t I tell you about Celia and her bag of tricks? Now she has come up with this barstool trash and there’s nothing I can do about it, unless I want to get angry and walk out on all of them, which would be hypocritical since I’ve watched others face humiliation on the stool without doing anything to help them.

“Relax. It’s just a few innocent questions.” Celia giggles like a little rat.

I narrow my eyes at her. “Play nice.”

“Don’t worry, luv. Your Honey’s in safe hands.”

Celia heads back to the sitting room and I stand, watching her walk with swag in her steps. The mischief in the woman is getting out of hand. I wonder how Shady copes with her.

I join them in the sitting room. My former space has been occupied by Bimpe, Bright’s wife. I pick a plastic chair by the corner and try to join the hearty conversation they’re having about Game of Thrones. I have forgotten how my friends are so close-knit, that they and their wives watch the same movies and series. I leave a mental warning not to let my future missus be part of the gang.


An hour or so passes. Finger foods and alcohol have made their rounds. Everyone is in a chirpy mood now, apart from me. I pretend everything is fine but I’m dreading the moment Celia puts Honey in her hot seat. So far Honey has handled the air around her coolly. Can she take the heat that’s about to come?

From across the room, I catch her eye. She smiles; I wink without meaning to. It’s a hereditary glitch that occurs every now and then.

“Aww,” Peace, Reno’s wife coos with dove-like eyes.

“What is it?” Ajonoka asks.

“I just caught Jide winking at Honey,” Peace replies. “So romantic.”

The other women give her a look. It is not outwardly reprimanding but she gets the message that she’s not supposed to swing the way she just did. She sighs. Just like her name, she’s a peaceful soul, Holy Ghost sister, always head-in-the-clouds. It’s a shame she’s married to a serial cheat.

Pressed from all that drinking, I excuse myself to the restroom. When I return, I see that the food has been done away with and Ojonoka is now entertaining them with a sexy dance for her husband, Ibro. It’s nothing new to watch. Noka, knowing her competition is Ibro’s only true love, always does her best to keep him constantly attracted to her. Of all the women present, she is the most stylishly dressed but she pales in elegance when compared to Honey. That one has stolen the heart of every man present, mine inclusive.

Noka completes her dance and she gets applause. Her husband gives her a kiss, pulling her to sit on his laps. Celia disappears and returns with the scandalous barstool, which she places in the center of the room.

“Who’s going on the stool?” Shady asks. No one replies; he gets the message himself. He looks at me. I shrug.

“Okay,” Celia speaks up. “First of all, I want to welcome Honey to my humble, little house once more.”

“Thank you,” Honey replies.

“You must forgive us if we acted really shocked when Jide introduced you as his girlfriend. The thing is we’re his closest friends and he never told us anything about you. But you’re still welcome.”

“Very much so,” Reno quips.

“However, to be fully accepted as one of us—as you can see we’re practically family—you have to sit on our barstool.”

Honey stares at the stool. “Okay.”

“And we’ll ask you some personal questions.”

“Personal?” Honey scratches the side of her nose. “How personal?”

“Nothing that you can’t handle, sweetie,” Bimpe assures.

“Yeah, simple questions,” Noka adds.

“You’re game?” Celia asks Honey.


Everyone cheers. Bimpe takes it upon herself to lead her to the stool. “If you don’t want to answer any question, you simply say pass…”

“And we’ll pass you a shot of brandy,” Celia completes.

Honey pops her eyes out and laughs.

“That’s why it’s called the barstool,” Noka says.

“I hope this is not an attempt to get me drunk,” Honey states with a calm face but her eyes keep a steady stare at Celia.

“No. Why would I want to do that? You’re my guest. Relax, dear. Jide is here. He won’t let anything happen to you.”

“You got that right,” I answer as Honey takes the seat. She crosses her legs, giving the guys an eyeful of the long, spotless pair.

“So everyone, including, Jide, gets to ask you two questions. If you answer anyone’s question correctly, that person takes the brandy shot instead.”

“I’m game.”

“Alright, then!”

Reno clinks his glass for sound effects as they excitedly adjust their positions. I look at them with vigilant eyes; it’s as if I’m watching a bunch of old folks trying to revive their youth.

They begin. The questions are downright intrusive. They’re not even playing. It’s like they want to know everything about her in just one evening. They want to know about her first kiss, if sex the first time hurt, the most embarrassing thing she ever did, the one thing she wishes she can undo, the best sex scene she ever watched in a movie, if she loves erotica, if she can keep her body for marriage…

She tackles each question maturely, even the intimate ones. Finally, it gets to my turn and seriously I’m not prepared for the moment. I kill the flow with a long pause.

“Jide, we’re waiting,” Bimpe urges impatiently.

I look at Honey and let out the one question nudging at the back of my mind that I’m uncomfortable to ask.

“Honey, what did you feel the first time you saw me?”

There is pin-drop silence as everyone stares at her. But her eyes are on me alone. She uncrosses her legs and takes a pose.

“I felt light like a feather, flushed and sweaty.” She dramatizes like an actress in a Shakespearean play. “Spots before my eyes…”

Her audience is amused.

“I was simply blown away.” She ends in a low volume after the laughter dies down. “I think it’s called love at first sight.”

She gets more than one ‘aww’ from Celia’s co-conspirators. Seems like the ‘Honeyofor’ bug is biting them all, save for Celia and Mary, who are trying their best not to show their displeasure.

“Did you do drama in school, Honey?” Mary queries.

“Is this part of the questions?” Honey replies. Mary goes shut. I smile at Honey’s cunning.

“We’re not done,” Celia arrests everybody’s attention once more. “Bright, time for your second question. This round is to test Honey’s knowledge on all things Jideofor. Are you ready?”


Bright asks, “Jide always does something whenever he’s in the shower. What is it?”

I hold my breath and try to catch Honey’s eyes. She should just take the shot of brandy…

“He sings Michael Jackson’s songs really loudly.”

I squeeze my brows together. How the hell did she know that?

“She’s right!” Bright accepts a shot passed to him by Reno, our designated barman.

“Honey,” Bimpe comes next, “does Jide have more boxers than briefs?”

“He has more briefs.”

Again, I’m stunned. How does she know this?

“I’m next!” Noka yells as if anyone is trying to stop her from speaking. “What is Jide’s English name that he’s so ashamed of?”


The whole room cracks up at her answer. My friends never get tired of making fun of my name. But I act like I’m deaf to their jeering. I now know where Honey has gotten all her info about me. I wonder how much my mom has shared with her. The one about the briefs, though, I’ll have to ask.

It’s Reno’s turn. The impish expression on his face makes me sick. “Do you guys have a sex tape we can download?”

His wife smacks the back of his head as the men laugh.

“Not yet,” Honey replies. She gets hoots from them. All I can do is smile from where I sit. I am yet to relax. I cringe as the next four questions come, but one after the other, Honey confronts them expertly, having only to take one shot of brandy for refusing to answer Ibro’s question about if she has ever been part of the mile high club. I jump in when I see her discomposure, and tell Ibro to ask another question that centers around me. Honey chooses to drink instead.

Celia and Mary and I are the only ones left. Mary goes first, after taking a long guzzle from the glass of liquor in her hand.

“If you found out Jide kissed one of his closest female friends, let’s say, just about a week ago, what would you do?”

I flash hostile eyes at Mary as I feel my patience which has been growing thin reach its elastic point. Nevertheless out of curiosity, I want to see how Honey takes this. All has gone silent.

“If he kissed someone else a week ago? It wouldn’t have bothered me because there was no us a week ago. What you see here,” she smiles at me, “is new…and amazing.”

I become uneasy as I take a mouthful of my drink. I’m either falling for this girl or scared of her. How else do I explain this restlessness in my guts?

“You guys want to make me fall in love again.” Peace blows wet eyes.

“Cee, your turn,” Mary tells Celia with as much poise as she can muster. Honey has just weakened their sinister alliance. Celia is their last card, but really what’s the worst she can do? They’ve laid out all their aces already.

“Honey, you know Jide is like our baby brother in this love and marriage business, so all of us here are looking out for him and we want him to have only the best, a woman who truly loves him. And that is why we want to know if you’re with him because you love him or because you heard he’s the Bridemaker and you want him to make a bride out of you.”

WT…F! Celia is such a bitch! What is wrong with her?!

“Excuse me? Come again.” Honey straightens up, her face puzzled.

“You mean you haven’t heard about the Bridemaker?” Noka asks. She laughs. “This is about to get interesting.”

I lose my good mood completely. They have simply gone too far. One stare at Shady’s apologetic eyes tells me he’s not in support.

“Ladies,” he speaks, “I think Jide should ask his question rather. Make una forget dis Bridemaker something abeg.”

Ibro concurs but Honey stops them. “No, it’s okay,” she counters. “Tell me about the Bridemaker, Noka.”

Noka is all happy to share. With so much glee on her face, she gives Honey the Bridemaker gist. While she speaks, Honey keeps an expressionless face but I watch her fingers silently drum on her knees. When Noka finishes, she bravely tells them she would pass on the question and takes some brandy. I am so not happy about this. Celia has a scathing remark waiting but one look from her husband makes her behave.

I stand up and clear my throat. It is my turn. I am annoyed and disappointed at the direction things have turned but I know I can’t react. The only thing I can do is obey the voice in my head. It wants to get even at all cost and silence the conniving wives permanently.

“Honey,” I walk to her, “can I kiss you?”

My question is as much a surprise to her as it is to the others.

“Like, right now?”

I don’t give her an answer. I steal her lips. They are moist and devastatingly soft but tremble at my rude invasion. Yet she doesn’t gasp or lose her composure. She responds to my intrusion by letting her tongue caress my upper lip before she allows me in. I kiss her softly, slowly, sensually, very aware of our audience. But I won’t lie; I am getting lost between those lips. I want so badly to go in hard and deep. I just realize I want to know this woman more.

“E don do!” Bimpe impolitely intrudes.

“No, let them continue.” Reno sounds annoyed at the intrusion. Honey and I pull apart. I search her eyes to see if I’ve done something wrong but her head is lowered.

“If that’s not the sweetest kiss I’ve seen in a while.” Peace sighs dreamily.

“So, Jide, you guys are serious?” Noka asks.

“Yeah.” I help Honey to her feet, wrap my arms around her from behind and peck her neck. I mean nothing by it; just making sure I’m nailing the coffin shut. After this night, they will never try to arrange any chick for me, let alone my closest female friend.

I look at Mary now. Her eyes are not on Honey and I. I hate to hurt her but she needs to set her brain right and find some other man. Celia takes her drink from her. I think she has consumed too much alcohol already. I hope someone has the commonsense to drive her home to make sure she’s safe.

“Cee, Shady, thanks for a fun night,” I announce.

“Are you guys leaving?” Celia protests. “We still have one more game to play.”

“It’s past ten, Celia.”

“It is?” Bright checks the time on his watch.

“Yep,” I reply, distractedly rubbing Honey’s arm. Her skin is warm as milk.

“You’re right. Some of us have work tomorrow but I don’t think an hour more will kill anyone.”

I shake my head. “We have to leave. Thanks, guys.”

“Yeah, thank you for the warm welcome and the fun questions,” Honey tells them. “Hopefully, we’ll do this again.”

We share hugs with them and leave the house. Outside, we meet a cold night. Now alone with Honey, I feel awkward. After all the affection I’ve displayed back at Shady’s, am I to stay away or keep up with the act until we’re well out of sight?

Honey helps me decide. She pulls closer and links her arm with mine, “I’m cold.”

I put an arm around her but under the brightness of a security lamp, I see goosebumps over her skin. I pull her to me and give her a full blanket wrap with both arms as I flag down a cab.

Lord help me, this woman is beginning to overrun my commonsense.

∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞

I’m quiet in the taxi. All I’ve heard about Jide today has left me a bit unsure of how I feel about him. I stick close to my door, still cold and missing the warmth he offered a few minutes ago.

“Honey, I’m sorry if my friends made you feel uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s fine.” I give him a half smile.

I continue looking out the window.

“You have questions for me?” he asks.

I look at him. I’m liking the way he reads my mind easily.

“I have questions of my own,” he says when I don’t answer, “although I think I know half of the answers.”

“You want to know how I got my answers today.”

“My mom told you my English name, right?”

I nod.

“I hope to God she wasn’t the one who told you about the briefs and the Michael Jackson shower thing. Please, tell me you came up with that all on your own.”

I fight back a grin and recall how last night when I slept over at his, I had strolled into the sitting room to pick my handbag and saw him asleep on the couch with nothing but a pair of Calvin Klein briefs. It had taken me great restrain to leave the place and not stare all night.

“I heard you singing The Girl Is Mine this morning while you were having your bath.”

“And the briefs?”

I turn away from his stare. “Just a guess.”

“Hmm. Okay o. So you want to know about the Bridemaker.”


“It’s just a stupid gist that has no origins whatsoever.”

“But does it really happen? That you sleep with a girl and next thing she gets married?”


“How many girls so far?”

He laughs. He won’t look at me.

“Can I pass on that question?”

“Are you still in the bride-making business?”

He’s even more tickled at this question. “Bride-making business.” He guffaws. I don’t think it’s funny. “My friends have given you this impression that I sleep around.”

“Do you?”

“No. There’s just this general opinion that once you’re not hooked, you’re a player.”

“Are you sleeping with someone presently? Mary, maybe?”

The laughter drains from his face. “Mary? Why would you think that?”

“Cos I saw the way she was looking at me. If someone had given her a gun, she would have shot me right there.”

“Wow. It was that obvious?”

“She’s a friend with benefits?”

“No. She has this crush on me that I just got to find out today and that was why I asked you to accompany me to Shady’s.”

“So she was the one you kissed a week ago.”

Jide smiles behind pressed lips. I feel I have gone too far but I can’t help it. I’m dying to know him more, dying to hear him tell me he’s not just another Georgey Porgy out there.

“Can we talk about something else, Honey?”

I’m upset but I have to respect his wishes. I apologize and try my best not to sulk. I will not come off looking like Mary. I let out deep breaths and bring up a different topic. He’s glad for the change. We maintain the discussion until we arrive at my hotel. He walks me to my suite and stops outside the door.

“So when do I see you again?” he enquires.

“I don’t know. Soon, maybe.”

“I hope so. Thanks for a wonderful weekend. You’re great company.”

“You too.”

“And the kiss…”

“Yes, the kiss…”

We both laugh.

“Let’s not talk about it,” I say, afraid to hear the words ‘it meant nothing’.

“Well, I just wanted to say that I enjoyed it despite it being an act.”

My insides mush up at his words. He looks like he wants to say more but he simply tells me goodnight and walks away. I stand by my door, watching him until he disappears. I enter my suite and fall on the bed. I ping Dele’s wife immediately but she doesn’t reply until minutes later. I use the time to relive the kiss.


I prop a pillow behind my head and ping back.

-How fa?

-I dey jare. How u dey?

-In cloud 9. He kissed me!



-How was it?

-Heaven! That’s why I’m in cloud 9

-Hahahaha! U no well. So he’s a good kisser

-I can’t even explain, babe. I wan2be kissin him 4eva

-Se jeje o

-Nothing like jeje for dis mata. I like dis guy die


I sigh. Dele’s wife can be a bitch sometimes.

-But nothing jor

-Okay o. Hapi 4u. Jus take it easy. U know how ibo guys are

I roll my eyes. I will not get into an argument with her about tribe right now. I won’t even share my fears with her and have her spoil my night. I want to drag that kiss into my dreams and have Jide take my lips over and over until I wake up.

-Babe, I hav to go

-Ah-ah. Jus lyk that? We neva finish gist na. what prompted the kiss. Was dat all u guys did. Gimme more

-Tomoro. I’m tired. I wan2sleep

-Ok o. oya, g.nite. sleep tight.


I put my phone away, take off my clothes and go for a warm shower. When I return, I slip into bed and fall asleep with my earphones in my ears, listening to love songs.

∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞

After I drop Honey, I head straight home. Ele is waiting for me. She doesn’t want sex; not like I am even in the mood for her. She wants some money. I don’t ask her what for. I just pass the notes to her and move away when she tries to kiss me. The taste of Honey is still on my lips.

I get into the house and head for my bedroom. The moment I hit the sheets, Mary calls. I hesitate before taking the call. When I eventually do, she is silent for the first few seconds.

“Boo, talk nau. This one that you’re quiet.”

“I want to come over so we can talk,” she speaks up. “It’s important. Is your girlfriend there?”

This is my turn to be quiet.


“She’s not here.”

“I’m coming over.”

I regret why I brought her over to visit two days ago.

“Can I come?”

“It’s late, boo.”

“Please. It’s important.”

“Okay o. I’m waiting.”

Sleep vacates my eyes. I move to the sitting room, pop open a canned beer and watch music videos while I wait for her. She arrives in good time. I open the door and let her in. She walks in and stands in the middle of my sitting room like a stranger.

“Sit down nau, madam.”

“No, I want to stand.”

I lock my door. “Stand keh. You said you wanted to talk. Now you’re here and you want to do the talking on your feet. You’ve been acting strange all day, shey you know. I don’t even want to bring up this evening and how you were sulking all through.”

“That’s what I actually came to explain.”

I take her hand and make her sit. I realize, from the way she can’t keep herself steady, how drunk she is. I occupy the space beside her.

“Talk. I’m listening.”

She heaves a couple of times before she builds up the courage to speak.

“I…” She brushes hair off her face. “I have feelings for you, Jide. I’ve always crushed on you, since from school days but I’ve been so scared to tell you. But when you kissed me last Sunday…”

Her eyes go moist.

“It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I tried, Jide. I really tried.”


“But you came today with Honey and I… I just fell apart.”

She holds my eyes in hers.

“Jide, is there a chance for us?”

Chai. Na only me waka come? Dear Jesus, this is the second time I’m asking your help today concerning these women. Can you please handle my matter with urgency? The last time I broke a heart this devoted to me, I had to watch her almost take her life; then I had to suffer the pain of her losing her mind slowly. And from then on, things just went downhill for me.

Now, how do I get out of this present mess? No matter what I tell Mary, it won’t end well. And I love her to death. But not this way. Not just this way.

“Jide, you’re not saying anything.”

I pull closer and hold her hands in mine. I want her to listen to every word I say and understand me well.

“Mary, I love you. Very much. I’ve watched you grow and I’ve grown with you. You have been there for me through the years and you have become part of my history and now, my present. But Mary, boo… I… I don’t feel the same way…”

She bursts into a sob, cutting me off. Her deep alto tone thins out to a wretched whine that breaks my heart. I enclose her in an embrace to comfort her. She clings to me as if to life. I have no one but myself to blame. If a harmless, dispassionate kiss can lead to this, only God knows what the one I shared with Honey will produce.

For the third time, Jesus, please help me.


Se jeje o (Yoruba) – take it easy

It’s Another Saturday…#6

Hi guys,

If you missed episode #5, read it HERE

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Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner


My mom flashes a loving smile when Honey and I walk into the kitchen. Under bright, white lights, Honey’s skin glows. I look for flaws on her face and find black dots like minuscule moles beneath her eyes and a scar on her lower lip. Weirdly, they add to her beauty.

“How are you, darling?”

“I’m good, mommy. How are you?”

“Good. Thank God.” The old woman pulls back a bit when she sees the flowers in Honey’s hands.

“She wanted them,” I explain. “So I let her have some.”

My mom approves. “Daffodils. They have meaning, you know.”

Here we go with the creepy part.

“They symbolize chivalry.” She looks at me. “And also rebirth and new beginnings. Some say they also symbolize unreciprocated love.” Her face changes but brightens again as she continues. “Honey, I’d have been worried if Jide gave you just a flower. That would have meant misfortune was coming your way. But a bunch represents happiness. And I pray you find it.”

“Thank you, mommy,” Honey says.

“Let me have the flowers. I’ll put them in one of my miniature vases, so you can take them with you.”

Honey thanks her again and she shoos us out of her kitchen. I take Honey to the sitting room. My father is just coming down the stairs with Kalu. Both men look Honey’s way and I see they want some form of introduction. She greets them. My father is standoffish in his usual manner; Kalu is more welcoming.

“Honey, meet my dad and my elder brother, Kalu.”

“Honey kwa,” the old man murmurs and adds in Igbo, “why don’t you just caress her in front of me so that I’ll know you have a woman now. My friend, will you introduce her properly?”

“Her name is Honey,” I reply in English.

“Hian,” he mumbles and walks away.

“You’re welcome, my dear.” Kalu smiles to make her feel at ease.

“Thank you.”

He also walks away.

She turns to me. “Did I do or say something wrong?”

“No. Ignore the old man. He means well.”

I offer her a seat. I want to disappear to my room until dinner is served but I don’t want any more harassment from the old man, so I sit with her and entertain her with old family photo albums. She’s wowed by my mom’s unfading beauty through the years and laughs at my afro and Michael Jackson obsession as a kid.

Against my wish, I find I’m charmed by her lighthearted way of laughing. But only slightly. I count the minutes to dinner time, not because I’m hungry but because I’m yet to feel comfortable with her. I don’t know why.

“So your elder brother lives here in Nigeria and his family stays in the UK?” she asks.

“He shuffles between here and there. His wife was raised there; he’s trying to convince her to move to Nigeria.”

We switch to silence until the maid comes to announce that dinner is served. We move to the dining area. Tola is there with Emeka; we act like total strangers. Following my mom’s sitting arrangement, Honey is put between Kalu and I, Tola between Emeka and Oba and my parents at both ends of the table.

“Jide, you’re the only one who hasn’t met Omotola,”my mom mentions. “I already told you about her. Say hi.”

“Nice to meet you, Omotola.”

“Pleasure’s all mine, Jideofor.” Her reply is cold as her eyes. My radar points to something being amiss. I also notice how she shifts her chair closer to Oba’s, leaving a noticeable gap in-between Emeka and herself.

My father says the grace and we begin our meal. There’s carefree banter, a little laughter and some stories from the past shared by the old folks. I catch myself stealing glances at Honey just out of curiosity. I notice she has a healthy appetite, kudos to Nne’s good cooking. I particularly observe the way she licks her fingers after each swallow. She’s being intentionally sensual and I can’t see why nobody notices it except me. After the third ogle, I turn away and catch Nne staring at me. She smiles. I look elsewhere.

Soup dishes are beginning to empty, dinner is drawing to an end and I’m about to silently whisper some thanks to God for a hitch-free ride when the old man commands everyone’s attention.

We all face him.

“I am happy to have all of my sons under the same roof with me,” he begins in his Igbo accent which he is so proud of. “We thank God for bringing Jideofor home after five years of prodigalization with prostitutes and lost souls.”

My brothers laugh; my mom frowns. The man doesn’t care. He continues. “I want to believe that it is his Honey that has brought him home.”

I make no move to correct his assumptions.

“God bless you, my daughter.”

Honey simply smiles.

“And then we have Chukwuemeka,” he continues, “who is also here with his own honey. She is carrying his child. Of course, without our permission. Children of these days, una no dey fear God again?” He concentrates on Tola. “Omotola?”

“Yes, daddy.”

“You should have closed your legs.”

“Lawrence,” my mom cautions in a low tone.

“No, let me talk to them and tell them the truth. I don’t know where they are heading these days. Let me tell you children about your mother and I.”

“Here we go,” Oba murmurs.

“We had no physical contact before we married. We didn’t even hold hands, not to talk of kissing sef. Before I saw her brassiere, it was on our wedding day, and I didn’t even know how to remove the thing. Na so I dey there dey fumble and the woman no wan even help me.”

“Dad,” I mumble.

“All I’m saying is that you boys should practice some decency. Respect your women, for Christ’s sakes. If it’s sex, you’ll get tired of it.”

“Speak for yourself,” Oba murmurs again.

“But let’s not dwell on what has already gotten k-leg. Chukwuemeka and Omotola, wedding arrangements have to commence immediately. It will be a shame to this family if Omotola carries a bulging belly to church on her wedding day.”

Mother nods in agreement.

“That is the decision from your mother and I. Kalu, what do you have to say?”

“Erm…does it matter what say I have in this? Emeka committed the deed, not me. I think you should ask him what he wants.”

“What he wants ?” My father frowns. “He wants a child and that is why he put a bun in the oven.”

“Gbam!” Oba contributes. Emeka glares at him.

“Emeka, what do you want?” Kalu asks.

Emeka draws in a quiet breath and lets it out the same way.

“Talk nau,” Tola urges him. “Tell them what you told me. Ashiere.”

“What did you tell her?” I glower at him and he gives me an apologetic look. I shake my head in disappointment.

“We are waiting, son,” my mom implores gently.

“Tell them,” Tola stresses. I feel some pity for her. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy but she has lost her oomph. Dark rings around her eyes covered by makeup reveal she is either losing sleep or is crying a lot.


Emeka sits up. “I…don’t want to get married – yet.”

Tola’s eyes fill with tears. “No, what he said was that he wants me to have an abortion.”

“Chukwuemeka!” my mom gasps.

“You did not tell her that,” Kalu points a finger at him.

“He did,” Tola maintains.

“Emmy, why?” My mom goes weak.

“I…I was just joking.”

“You were not!” Tola cries, a little too dramatically.

I reach over the table and snatch Oba’s phone off his hand when I realize he has been recording the scene.

“If I break that your phone ehn!” Kalu threatens. Everyone at the table is irate; well, except for Honey who has extracted herself from the drama and has her head bent over her pepper soup bowl, sipping the soup with so much concentration. Under different circumstances, I would have cracked up in laughter.

“Okay, I’m sorry, Tola.” Emeka takes Tola’s hand but she slaps it away. “I wasn’t thinking when I said those words.”

“You were! Mex, you were!” She faces my dad. “Daddy, that’s not all!”

“Oh good. There’s more.” My father pours himself some wine.

“He thinks I don’t know why he won’t marry me but I know.”

“You know what?” Emeka asks, fear in his eyes.

“I found out, Mex.”

“You found out what?”

“I found out about Yazmin.”

Emeka buries his head. So do I.

“Daddy, mommy, there’s a girl back in the States. Her name is Yazmin. She’s Mexican. Emeka got her pregnant too.”

“Oh God,” Nne pants, her hand to her chest.

“She’s lying,” Emeka puts out. I shake my head at him. I can’t believe he’s thirty-one years old and yet acts like he’s twenty.

“I’m lying?”


“Oh, I’m lying?” Tola gets out her phone and flashes it in his face. “Yazmin texted me. The bitch got my number from my cousin, whom you also slept with!”

“Wait, what?” Kalu cuts in. “What did you just say?”

“Emeka also slept with her cousin,” my dad repeats.

“I did not,” Emeka states.

“Why are you still lying?!” Tola screams, slapping him everywhere her hand can reach. “You slept with my cousin! You slept with our neighbor! You slept with that girl that works at the phone shop! You even slept with your boss!”

A silent chill settles over all of us. Loud thunder blasts from the skies, adding effect to the dark atmosphere. My dad has a familiar look in his eyes that usually comes before he does something crazy. In his hand is his glass of wine which makes a non-stop journey to his lips.

“Chukwuemeka,” my mom calls. Her voice is weak. Emeka looks in her direction but not in her face. “Tell me all I just heard is not true. Tell me Tola is lying.”

Emeka, for the first time, has no words.

“Chukwuemeka.” Nne’s voice now shakes.

“She’s not lying. It’s all true.”

I look at my dear, old mother. She is on the edge of heartbreak. I want to strangle both Emeka and Tola for spoiling a beautiful dinner. The least they can do is wait until they are alone to hash out their issues.

“If you’ll all excuse me, I need to recover from this rude shock,” Nne says as she stands.

Emeka also gets on his feet. “Mom, I’m sorry…”

She raises her hand, stopping him from walking towards her. “Just stay there. I don’t want to see your face right now. Stay there.” She looks at Honey. “My dear, I am so sorry for what you just witnessed. It usually isn’t like this. Please, forgive us.”

“It’s okay, ma.”

My mom leaves the room and we fall back to silence.

“If anything happens to your mother, Chukwuemeka,” my dad says in Igbo, “I will kill you. I brought you into this world and I will gladly take you out if what you want to become is the son of the devil.” He picks his glass of wine and makes his exit as well.

“Give me a minute,” I tell Honey and hurry upstairs to my parents’ bedroom. My dad has just walked in. I breeze past him to my mom who is sitting in one corner of the bed, dazed. She looks at me as I sit beside her.

“It’s just a phase, mom. You know Emeka is not this person. Maybe he has some issues he’s dealing with. Just don’t let it stress you.”

“Just a phase, Jideofor?  He has two girls pregnant for him and you say it’s just a phase?”

“Something is wrong and I’ll have a talk with him.”

“Jide, I’m beginning to feel like I did something bad as a mother that I now deserve all this punishment. When you left here and we started hearing stories about you and all the girls, I felt my enemies were at work. I blamed it on them but now, I don’t know what to think. Maybe I was a bad mother to you people.”

“No.” I take her hands in mine, broken at her words. “You were and still are the best mother in the world, Nne. Please, don’t ever say those words again.”

She moves her head from left to right in helplessness and begins to cry.

“Why are you crying?” my dad asks in annoyance. “If that useless boy wants to give belle to the whole Nigeria, let him go ahead. Why shed tears for a Billy goat?” He hisses and takes his side of the bed.

I wipe my mom’s tears and beg her to stop. It takes a while before she listens to me.

“I’ll pray for him,” she finally states. “God will sort things out for him. I will not give up.”

“That’s the spirit, ma.”

She holds my face. “I prayed for you every day, Jidenna. Every single day. And God heard me and brought you home. I thank him for what he’s doing in your life and I’ll keep praying that what he has started in you, he’ll be faithful to complete it. But I do hope you don’t have some nasty surprise waiting somewhere.”

I laugh. “Surprise? Like what?”

“Like some people being pregnant for you,” my dad replies.

“No. Nothing like that.”

“Please, help me beg Emeka to start using condoms,” my mom requests. “I can’t stop him from having sex but he should protect himself. Talk to him.”

“I will.”

“And apologize to Honey once more. Make sure you take her back to her hotel. Don’t put her in a cab, biko.”

“Yes, ma.” I turn to my dad. “I’m not comfortable over your silence in this matter. It’s not a good sign.”

“Just go home, Jideofor.”

“I know you’re planning something that would affect Emeka adversely. I pray it doesn’t tear you guys apart. No matter what, remember that he’s still your son.”

“Good night.” His tone carries a bit of his hidden anger. I hug my mom and call it a night. Downstairs I find only Kalu and Honey. Oba, Tola and Emeka are gone.

“Are you ready to go?” I ask Honey as I hand the vase of daffodils to her.

“Yes. Is mommy okay?”

“She’ll survive.”

I hear footsteps.

“Hey, Jide.”

I turn. Tola is standing at the foot of the stairs. “A minute?”

I stroll towards her and she leads me to the door that connects the kitchen to the dining area. She hands me my confiscated belongings.

“This was all a big mistake. I’m sorry.”

I give her no reply as I search through my wallet to make sure all is intact. I still feel pity for her, though. Her eyes have gone blood-red and her face puffy after all that crying.

“You still want to get married to Emeka despite everything?”

“Yes.” She sniffles. “Why not? He may be an idiot and may not be as good as you in bed but I love him.”

I don’t get women. A man blatantly, without remorse cheats on you and you still want to stick with him.

“I wish he was you, though. After that night with you at Kate’s wedding…”

“Stop, Tola. Please.”

“Just letting you know how I feel. Good night.”

She strides back upstairs. I turn around and I see Oba in the corner watching me.

“Plot twist,” he mutters and gives me this look like he has one over me. Like I care.

I join Honey at the front door and we leave the house. Following my mother’s instruction not to dump her alone in a cab, we walk out to the street and stop the first cab that comes our way. It’s raining now, heavy raindrops that hit the car furiously once we get in.

“Can I apologize once more for what happened back there?”

Honey shrugs my apology away. “It’s normal, Jide. Every family has their own share of drama.”

“Not like mine.”

“Trust me. Worse than yours. Let me tell you about mine. My uncle is a randy, old man who loves tapping all his nieces’ asses.”

I laugh.

“My grandmother walks around with a koboko. If you don’t hear her when she speaks, she whips you with it. And if she doesn’t hear you, she whips you. Mind you, she’s hard of hearing.”

I laugh some more.

“Then my sister…” Honey sighs. “Kleptomaniac.”


“As in, it’s bad. So bad her husband hides stuff from her. I don’t even know if I should call her a klepto because she steals only what she uses. She will steal it and then hide it for a while and then decide to use it one day, in front of the person she stole it from.”

“No kidding.”

“For real. And she’ll keep a straight face. If you confront her, she’ll get bitchy and remind you of all the many ways she was there for you. But she’s generous sha; she can give you the clothes on her back just to make sure you’re comfortable.”

“Well, that should compensate.”

“Abi. Everyone’s given up. We love her the way she is. In fact, her husband knew about it before they married and he still married her.”


“True love.”

“Is it?”

“It has to be.”

I don’t say anything more in effect to that. As if planned, we both look out our windows. I’m staring at the rain absentmindedly and marveling at how little by little, something is chipping off at the awkwardness between us.

“So you didn’t tell me yours,” I say as I tilt my head in her direction.


“Your own thing. You just told me about your sister and grandma and uncle.”

“My own thing,” Honey repeats, caressing a daffodil petal. “Erm…this is embarrassing.”

“Just say it.”

“I can’t cook.”

My brows shoot up. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. I can’t cook to make heaven.”


“My mom spoiled me as a kid. I was the baby of the house, so cooking was out of bounds for me. I grew up that way and in the university I bought all I ate, except for the occasional noodles or pap I made. Immediately I graduated, I got the air hostess job and never had the time to learn how to cook till date.”

“Aren’t you bothered that it might wean out certain men from your life?”

“It has, actually. With my exes, I was never around and when I finally had their time, I just couldn’t handle the kitchen. I got dumped. A lot.” She chuckles and goes back to caressing her flowers.

“How about you?” She looks up. “You didn’t tell me yours. Your thing.”

We both laugh. “Do I have a thing?  I do, actually. So many…things.” I try to be sly. There’s no way I’m telling her that Emeka has nothing on me when it comes to body count.

“Just tell me one.”

“Um…I’ve never traveled out of Nigeria before.”


“Yes. Everyone in my family has – several times. But I’ve not even visited Cameroun.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Honest truth.”


“Because I’ve not had any reason to travel. But maybe soon.”

“You should. There’s life out there.”

My brain is beginning to register peculiar things about her, like how her voice drops at the end of sentences into a near-whisper.

“But what you just told me doesn’t count for bad behavior,” she goads. “I want something juicier, scandalous.”

“Honey, angels will lose their wings if I share that part of me with you.”

“It’s that bad?”


“Oga,” the driver interrupts, “e be like say we don enter wicked traffic o.”

I realize we are at a standstill. The rain still rages and a gridlock puts us in the middle of nowhere. Information has gotten to the driver via phone call that a tanker and a bus collided farther down the road and major access is blocked.

“No worry, e go soon clear,” I assure the cabbie. But I have predicted wrongly. An hour later, we have roughly moved the distance of seven houses. The traffic is indeed wicked. The cab driver is beginning to whine; he wants more money than originally bargained for. An idea comes to mind. I turn to Honey.

“My house is just at the next corner. I’m thinking we could stop there until the traffic clears, that way we save up on cash and avoid the stress. I’ll take you to your hotel after the rain stops.”

She looks at me uneasily. I think I must have sounded like a rapist or something.

“I’m not planning anything funny. It’s just a suggestion…”

“No, no, no. It’s a good suggestion. It’s just that…” She bites her lower lip and turns down her voice a notch. “I’m on my period and I don’t have change of tampons.”

I smile away her nervousness. “Is that all?”


“I’m a midwife. We always have sanitary towels and disposable underwear on standby. So, have no fears. And stop cringing. Your menstrual cycle cannot gross me out.”


We elapse into an easy hush. At this point I’m thinking she’s not bad company but I continue to feel the same way about her. She still makes me uncomfortable.Traffic-Jam-at-Tin-Factory-Bangalore-Night

∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞

I’ve just returned from church with my family. It was a most uncomfortable experience because everyone was moody. I had learned that in my absence last night, my dad instructed Emeka to return to the US to bring Yazmin home. The old man wants the baby born in Nigeria and a DNA test carried out to make certain the child is Emeka’s. On the other hand, he stands by his decision to have Emeka get married to Tola. Only God knows what the girl told him to make him take her side so easily.

I push away the morning’s events and think of lunch as I rummage through my virtually empty fridge. As I do this, my phone rings. I answer the call; it’s Shady.

“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego,” I say.

“How far, guy?”

“I dey.”

“Na wa o. Na so you no take show yesterday.”

He’s referring to some wedding of an acquaintance I missed.

“Omo, family dinner and other things.”

“Guy, you miss o. The wedding was out of this world.”

“I know. People just dey make noise about am for Twitter.”

He goes on to tell me how the groom gave them VIP treatment and about the souvenirs they received. I’m not interested in the gist until he diverts abruptly into a different topic.

I break out of my distraction. “Wetin you just say?”

“Why you kiss Mary? Wetin dey do you sef?”

Shit. I can’t believe Mary told on me.

“Who tell you say I kiss Mary?”

Why you kiss the babe, Jide?”

“It was just an innocent kiss, na play we dey play with each other. But how you take hear dis gist sef?”

He relates that at the wedding, after a sizable amount of alcohol had been consumed, the topic of me being single was brought up and a plan to hook me up with someone new emerged. But Mary foiled the plan by making a huge confession about how she had been in love with me for years and how our kiss had made it clear that I am the one for her.

I laugh at the ridiculousness of the story. “Mary in love with me?”

“Yes o. Na wetin she tell us.”

“Abegi! She just dey play jor.”

“Play keh. The babe been dey yarn with tears for eyes o. No be small matter. Na so the women come agree say dem go do everything to make sure dem hook two of una together.”


I cackle in a strange voice; I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

“I just say make I give you heads up because dis evening na the plan be dat. Celia dey open her bag of tricks for you, so beware.”

Ah. Celia and her bag of tricks. The woman, first of all, loves to throw house parties for no reason. And then, she enjoys making grown men and women play all sorts of games that will make them look silly. She’s a sweetheart, however, and her parties have brought couples closer.

“Thanks, man,” I say to Shady as an idea forms in my mind. He rings off. Holding my fridge open, I laugh to myself. Mary, in love with me for years? Yeah, right. I refuse to believe it. Some things are best not pondered on. All the same, I won’t fall into their plans. I straighten up and go through my call log. I find Honey’s number and dial her after a brief moment of contemplation.

She answers with a sleepy tone. I apologize for waking her up. She tells me it’s fine.

“Honey, I was wondering if you’d like to go with me to a party this evening?”

“This evening?”

I hold my breath. She’s the best option to foil Celia’s conspiracy.

“Yeah, sure.”

I breathe out. “Cool. Thanks. I’ll come pick you up by seven?”

“No problem. What sort of party is it?”

“Just a house party with a few close friends.”


“Okay, bye.”


I end the call, smiling.

∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞

I’m still smiling when I get to Honey’s hotel suite and she comes out looking flawless. I’m standing there staring at her and thinking this girl must have guys falling at her feet at every turn. She’s wearing this floral print skirt and a lacy crop top that fits her form. I’d like to describe how she looks but words will fail me. I can’t wait to see the faces of my friends when I show up with her.

“Hi.” She grins.

“Hi.” I maintain a low key; no need sounding like an awestruck teenager. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

We leave the hotel with her arm in mine. I don’t know how that came to be; it just sort of happened. When we get into the cab I came with, I straightaway tell her why I’m inviting her over to Celia’s party. I leave out the bit about Mary.

“You want me to pretend to be your girlfriend?”

“Just for this evening.”


She goes quiet, making me uncomfortable. I fear that my request has not been met with an open mind.

“But if you don’t want to…”

“I do. It’s fine. I just thought you asked me out because you wanted to spend some time with me, you know…after last night.”

I recall last night and how we stayed up till late drinking wine and talking about almost everything. She didn’t make it back to her hotel until this morning. We had a great time but it meant nothing serious to me. Nevertheless, I find the perfect words to fix up my mess.

“Honey,” I lift a leg up to rest on the car seat as I turn to her, “if I want to spend time with you alone, it would be with you alone. No friends, no family. Just you and me.”

I guess my reply seems to be sufficient because a smile lights up her face. We talk the rest of the way to Shady and Celia’s. When we step out of the car, I give her a last minute warning about my friends.

“They are loud, meddlesome and vulgar, especially after a few drinks. Watch out for Celia, in particular. She’s very sneaky.”

“It’s fine. I can handle them.”

I doubt that she can.

“Let’s go in,” I say and put my arm around her waist. It’s weird how she fits right into my frame without me needing to lower my arm. We walk up to the front door. Loud, boisterous voices tell us how far the party has gone without us. I knock and seconds later, Shady is at the door. He raises his hand for a handshake and leaves it hanging in the air when he sees Honey.

“Oh. Hello,” he says with a voice he uses for gorgeous women.

“Good evening,” she replies coolly.

“Welcome, welcome. Come in.”

He lets us in. We follow a small passage that leads us into the living room where the others are. I walk in first and they all cheer at my appearance. I pick out all the familiar faces. Ibro, Reno and Bright; and the wives, Peace, Ojonoka and Bimpe. The hostess, Celia, is absent.

And of course, there’s Mary, beautifully made-up, wearing this short, blue dress that does wonders to her hour-glass figure and leaves me with cocked eyebrows.

Surely all that dressing is not for me.

The cheering and hailing dies abruptly and I notice their eyes are all in one direction. Honey’s. She moves closer to me and links her fingers with mine. Mary’s eyes drop to our held hands.

“Honey,” I claim her waist again, “I want you to meet my friends.”

I mention their names one after the other.

“And guys, this is my girlfriend, Honey.”

If there was prickly silence before, then what follows is worse. It feels as if someone has pressed the pause button over everyone in the room. Not even a breath is inhaled.

My lips are closed but I’m grinning widely behind them. I feel Honey snuggling closer into me due to unease.

I hear a sound and turn my eyes. Celia is standing there with a look on her face that shows she knows what I’m up to.

Nice one, Jide, I hear her voice say in my head.

nice one jide

This time, behind my lips, I laugh. I can’t wait for the drama that will unfold. Bring it on, Celia.


You Got it Bad (In Pursuit of Kyenpia) by Sally

Nobody wants to die. Ask the monk who has shut himself away from the carnal world and capitulated himself to an eternal pilgrimage, bringing under control even his basic needs and wanting not the free pleasures of life, ask him to surrender to death and he will plead for another chance to fulfill his destiny here on earth. Many are the suicides that have not been because the miserable souls who had given up on life had, when eventually were faced with the reality of ending their own existence, chickened out and decided they were too gallant to go the coward’s way.

I didn’t want to die. I mean, I wanted to if death could have been the only savior for me that night, but I didn’t want to die. As I lay there, inebriated senselessly, molested by those brides of Satan, I was planning my revenge. I told you I usually liked it cold? No, I was going to serve Stella and her friends a steaming three course meal of my wrath. The only problem was time was passing by so fast and I could do nothing. I was still hospitalized and today was the fifth day.
I pulled out the IV line off my bulging vein callously and watched as blood gushed out of the spot. My uncle, Samuel, in whose hospital I was recuperating from my brutal assault would be mad but I couldn’t stand total strangers (sometimes called family) filing in to offer hypocritical sympathies only to go behind my back and do a bottle or two at my expense.
I struggled to keep steady when I got off the bed but my head was telling me the room was swaying dangerously and I needed to sit it out for a while.
A quick knock, a slight pause and Rudeboy walked in.
“You dey craze? You no go wait to hear ‘enter’ before you enter?” I asked with no real annoyance and he apologized. “How far?”
He produced a phone from his pocket and handed to me. I checked the time and it was twenty minutes past 7pm.
“Everything set?” I looked at him and it was obvious he was high on God knows what. He nodded and helped me out of bed. Minutes later, we were in his car headed to a place I had him rent out for me. It was a two-bedroom in a decaying upstairs apartment in Surulere that had rats and a toilet that smelled like fuel. I suspected the previous tenants were petrol black marketers. A pair of roaches ran past me as we walked in and split when a large gecko made its way towards them.
“Perfect!” I told Rudeboy, no pun intended and looked at the furniture he had put in the sitting room. The setting was entirely cozy but I asked him to help me move one of the couches to the balcony. The neighborhood was alive and noisy like a nite club. My next door neighbors were having a party and they sounded like university students.
“Perfect!” I said again and led Rudeboy out. He stood outside the door, facing me with a worried look on his face. A group of girls emerged from the party place and giggled their way downstairs and he was momentarily disturbed. I reached for his phone.
“Buy another one for yourself, abeg,”

“But I just give you one nah,” he complained but I also took his earpiece. He nodded a goodbye and walked downstairs. I shut the door, walked to my balcony couch and fell on it. The time was 8:30 pm and I went into my forty winks.


“Ada, baby, listen to me. I did not stand you up. I was robbed that night.”

“I don’t want to hear. You stood me up. Period!”
“Okay. I did. Does that make you feel better?”
“I did not stand you up.”
“Make up your mind, Leo! Did you or did you not… You know what? Forget it!”
“That’s better.”
“Where are you?”
“In town but unavailable.”
“Okay. When will you be available?”
I shut my eyes. This girl was becoming tedious
“When I am available, I will let you know.”
“Okay. Bye!” she rang off and I bent my head with a smile that vanished as soon as it showed up. There was a hesitant knock on the door. I craned my ear to be sure I didn’t imagine it but the knock came again and this time it was louder. I got off the couch and unlocked the door. A girl wearing a tight t-shirt with no bra and a pair of bum shorts, beamed at me invitingly.
“Hi! Where is Goke?”
“He uhm…travelled,” I answered. I knew no Goke.
“You must be his friend. My name is Yewande and I’m throwing a birthday party for my sister. She’s in Makurdi but I’m here, partying for her, so I’m inviting you. We have plenty beer and suya and girls stripping. What’s your name?”
“Leo! My name is Yewande,” she repeated. “What happened to you?” she asked reaching to touch my bruised lip and I pulled back. “Did Goke tell you where he kept my bra? It’s pink with gold ribbons… Can I come in and check?”
Another girl wearing a maxi T-shirt and clutching a pillow pushed Yewande rudely, walked in and flew over my couch without a word. I rubbed my eyes, yawned and looked at the girl. Which one was this now? First, Ada woke me from my much needed rest, then this Yewande and now, a total stranger was sharing my couch.

“She lives downstairs,” Yewande informed me. Her roommates must have moved some of my party to her place. I know how to throw successful parties. If you ever need to organize one, just let me know.” She leaned forward and whispered, “her name is Ivie. She is heartbroken; her boyfriend of four years just dumped her.”
“Yewande!” a female voice from her apartmentcalled above the loud music.

“Somebody is calling me,” and with that she ran off. I shut the door and tried the lock but found it broken. “Hey,” I turned to the heartbroken chick. “Who the hell are you?”

She turned around and looked at me. “Oh, you’re not Goke. Thank God. He always smells like fuel. You must be the friend he kept disturbing us about. You’re from London, right?”

I wanted to say no but I thought about it and shrugged. “Yes…I’m from London. My name’s Leo” I said in a British accent, “and you are lying on my couch. Can you move for me to sit?”
She ignored me and went straight to sleep. I don’t know how I do it. It’s just a me thing. I run to the ends of the world to hide away but the girls always find me.

I walked in and went into one of the bedrooms where my clothes were deposited, stretched out on the bed, took out Rudeboy’s phone, attached the earpiece and turned on the radio. In two minutes, I would be listening to ‘In Pursuit of Love’ a late night show that ran for an hour hosted by my future wife and no, it was not Ada. This was Kyenpia’s show. Oh, I must have omitted that she was a radio personality.
Now, the twist to this whole radio thing was, not long before my run-in with Stella and her friends, I had contacted the station’s manager who by the way was a great friend and offered her a mouth-watering business opportunity she couldn’t pass up. All I needed was a chance to be part of the show as a relationship expert offering professional advice to listeners on love and blah-blah-blah…you get the drift. My aim of being on that show was pure and simple. I was there for Kyenpia. I didn’t give a damn about the world’s broken hearts like the girl on my couch outside.

I put the phone on speaker and listened to a call from a guy who wanted to know if it was okay to be in love with three girls at a time.
I snorted. Did Kyenpia really believe some of the people that were calling her show? It was obvious the guy was fabricating a story just to be on air. Hmmm…time to spice things up. I waited for a commercial break and dialed the station. The call was answered after three rings.
“Hello? Sunshine FM! Who am I speaking with?”
For the first time in a very long time, I ran out of words. I tried to move my lips but my voice got stuck somewhere behind my tongue and I ended the call. I took a deep, long breath, released it and dialed again.
“Sunshine FM! Are you in pursuit of love?”
Yes. I am, Kyenpia.
I was silent again and I realized it wasn’t just nerves that had weakened me, I was star struck and love struck at the same time. All my fantasizing about this girl had suddenly turned to reality. I had dreamt this moment a million times when it would just be me and her, listening to each other, sharing with each other and now that I had come to it, I realized I wasn’t fully prepared to face what was before me. I have a problem. I get easily addicted to things and that is why I always embark into new ventures with careful planning and calculation. If I didn’t have an ‘esc’ or ‘del’ button somewhere on the blueprint, I ain’t trying it out. I hate being stuck.
“You still there?”
You have the most beautiful voice.
“Hello? Looks like the lines are acting up…”
“Hello?” I finally answered.
“Hi, there! Sunshine FM. Are you in pursuit of love?”
I smiled at her famous line. If it was the longest sentence I had ever heard and it contained two hundred characters, I would have known them all by heart.
“I’m calling to answer your last caller.”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“First off, I think that was a bogus story he shared with us.”
“Why? Why do you think so?”
“Oh please, three gorgeous, sexy girls in his life and he’s not having sex with them, they’re just his friends and two are actually in love with him like we’re in what, a dreamlover’s heaven? Give me a break.”
I heard a smile in her voice as she said, “okay, supposing he’s not lying, what would be your advice for him?”
“I’d advise him to sleep with all three because he’s not in love with any. He just wants to get laid really bad.”
She laughed, “you think so?”
“Trust me. I know so.”
“Okay. What’s your name?”
I paused before I answered with a silly grin on my face. “Call me the Love Doctor.”
She also held a pause before replying. “Okay, Love Doctor. Thank you for sharing. Please do call again.”
And the line went dead. I waited two seconds before I started counting down 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4…
The phone rang. I answered after it rang for a while. It was Kyenpia.
“Is this Daniel Afamdi?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“Hi,” she said, “this is Kyenpia. You just called in to my show.”
“I know.”
“My boss says I should be expecting your call anytime soon. I didn’t know you were calling in today.”
“Sorry, I should have informed you.”
“No problem. So, the show is open to you and we will take your calls towards the last fifteen minutes. Is that okay with you?”
“Okay. I look forward to working with you.”
“Same here, and Kyenpia?”
“Great job.”
“Thank you.”
She ended the call and I fell back to the bed and smiled.
Leo, you lucky bastard. You got it bad.


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