a collection of thoughts by Chukky Chux

to the palm tree

(for cara mia)

 

If i love you –

I’ll never be like a banyan tree,

Displaying myself on your crown;

If i love you –

I’ll never mimic the infatuated birds,

Repeating the same monotones song for green shade;

Or be a spring,

Gushing cooling comfort;

A perilous peak,

Enhancing your height and dignity.

Unlike the sunlight,

Unlike the rain;

None of these suffice!

I must be a coconut tree,

The image of a tree by your side.

Our roots, closely intertwined below,

Our leaves, touching in the clouds.

When a gust of wind brushes past,

We will greet each other,

No one else can

Understand our language.

You’ll have bronze branches, an iron trunk,

Like knives, swords and halberds;

Or valiant torches.

Together, we’ll share

The cold storms and thunderbolts,

Together, we’ll share

The mist, rosy clouds and rainbows.

It seems we’ll always be separate,

Yet we’ll depend on each other.

Only this can be called profound love,

Wherein lies the faithfulness:

Loving not only your greatness,

But also the place where you stand,

The earth beneath your feet!

Continue reading a collection of thoughts by Chukky Chux

GOOD GIRL GONE BAD by Solomon Enwerenmadu

 

FADE IN:

EXT. AERIAL SHOT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS – DAY

MUSIC CUE: HAPPY, JOLLY MELODY

We pan across campus as STUDENTS are going about their various activities. We push into RITA, early twenties, very attractive and STEVEN mid twenties, both walking along the walkway as Steven circles around Rita tickling and poking her playfully.

RITA

(laughing)

Steve stop now, my books will fall o. You know I’m very ticklish.

(Steven continues to poke her).

STEVEN

(smiling sheepishly) Let them fall, I’ll pick them up for you, I’ll lay down my shirt so you could walk over a puddle. I’ll carry you on my back until we cross over the huddle.

RITA

(stopping to have a good look at him) See o, na rap be dat or what?

A STUDENT, early twenties walking by with both knuckles one

on top of the other prostrates slightly and hails Steven.

STUDENT

Capone!

STEVEN

(snaps into a serious mood) What’s up? (Turns back to Rita) Baby, I’m your own personal M.I. I’ll rap you up, I’ll rap you down, rap you front and rap you back and right now, I’m going to rap you round.

(He pulls Rita closer to himself by her free arm but Rita wriggles out and motions towards a nearby bench).

RITA

Let’s sit here.

Steven and Rita sit on the bench just as another STUDENT

shouts out to Steven.

STUDENT 2

The Capone!

STEVEN

(Turns in the direction of the voice)

Yo what’s up my guy?

RITA

(looking concerned)

Steve I thought you said you’d left all this cult business.

STEVEN

Sure, baby I left them a long time ago, but you know some guys now it’ll take them time to adapt, you understand nau?

RITA

I don’t know o Steve, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m scared.

STEVEN

(shifting closer to her)

Scared of what?

RITA

Scared of you, us, the future.

STEVEN

Baby what do you mean scared of me and us, I mean if it’s the cult thing I can swear I’ve left them.

RITA

Yeah? Have they left you? Has that violent and haughty spirit that comes with it all left you too?

STEVEN

(Looking disappointed)

You know I’ll never hurt you.

RITA

Okay fine, that’s one question answered, then what about the money?

STEVEN

(Looking confused)

What money?

RITA

Steve let’s not play naive to the fact that once we graduate from here in the next few months, we’re on our own. We or at least I, will become the official bread winner of my poor family. You know how it’s become for me, my mum and my siblings since my dad died and I’ve told you before that I’m getting married as soon as I graduate.

STEVEN

And I’ve told you that I want to marry you.

RITA

Yeah right , so when do you think you’ll be able to make enough money to take care of yourself first, then get a place, then sponsor a wedding, then take care of me enough to take care of my family?

STEVE

I will work round the clock and I’m sure my dad will help.

RITA

Steve your dad is a struggling civil servant, let’s be real.

STEVEN

I know but he’ll soon be promoted to DG and things will be different for me then and

Steven is interrupted by DAVID, mid twenties and ABIOLA mid

twenties both with bibles in their hands suddenly standing in

front of them.

DAVID

(smiling)

Good afternoon my brother, my sister.

ABIOLA

Good afternoon.

RITA

(smiling)

Good afternoon.

STEVEN

(Upset)

Can I help you?

ABIOLA

Sorry to bother you, I’m Abiola and this is my friend David. We just want to briefly share the word of God with you.

STEVEN

Thank you but not today.

(Steven immediately turns back to Rita).

So babe, like I was saying

RITA

(Interrupts Steven)

Steve what’s the matter with you? They want to share the word of God, the least we can do is listen.

DAVID

Thank you my sister.

STEVEN

Don’t mind all these Jehovah’s Witness, do you know how much they pay them to come and bring more members?

ABIOLA

We are not Jehovah Witness

STEVEN

Eh. Whichever one you are just vamoose, we’re in the middle of a very crucial conversation here please.

RITA

Steven!

STEVEN

(worked up)

Babe forget these people, it’s the same old story they’re coming to tell us now.

DAVID

My friend, the bible says it’s bad enough for anyone who will not accept the gospel of the kingdom of God but woe unto him that will make himself a stumbling block unto others.

(Steven leaps to his feet in front of David).

STEVEN

Okay, I’m a stumbling block, so what are you going to do about it?

RITA

Steve what are you doing?

ABIOLA

It’s okay my brother.

(Abiola places his hand on Steven’s shoulder. Steven knocks Abiola’s hands away).

STEVEN

Don’t touch me. What’s wrong with you? Where do you know me from?

ABIOLA

Dave let’s go.

Continue reading GOOD GIRL GONE BAD by Solomon Enwerenmadu

A Letter to Mary by Terver Trump Malu

Dear Mary,
I don’t know any other way to put this so I’ll just say it. I’m breaking up with you! As sad and reluctant as I am to do this, it is the only way for me to achieve my goal of world domination. It’s not like I don’t appreciate the time we spent together because I definitely do. You were my confidant in lonely times, and even in good times. We had a good run didn’t we?…wow it’s been 9 years. I remember that fateful day when Abdul Introduced me to you, it wasn’t love at first sight I must confess but the more I got to know  you  the more I fell in love with you. You never judged me, never got jealous and even when I left you for days to attend to my other mistresses; you always welcomed me back with open arms. No questions asked….who wouldn’t fall in love with you? It was a match made in heaven. But a wise man once told me that whenever something looks too good to be true, it usually is. Alas I realize that I cannot proceed on the next phase of my journey with you. This is where we must part ways. I know this is sudden and without any prior notice but please try to understand that I’m only looking for greener pasture. What I’ll miss the most about you is my morning kiss which never fails to get me extra ginja’d for the day’s activities….the thought of returning home after a long day and seeing you in that sexy white dress always gave me a reason to push on. Now I guess I’m going to have to make that trip to Amsterdam without you…damn! A lot of my boys will never understand why I’m leaving such a fulfilling relationship….well all I can say is that ‘na person wey wear tight shoe know wia e dey pain am’. I have thrown out all your dresses, accessories and anything that will remind me of you into the Lagos lagoon. I’ll cherish those memories in my head…I suspect that one day I’ll have to tell my unborn sons about our 9 year love affair….. The truth of the matter is that there is someone else! And as much I thought I could never love another woman like the way I loved you, I was wrong. Without boring you with her info, the least I can do is tell you the woman’s name who has snatched me away from you…her name is Excellence! I’d do anything for her (which includes leaving you). So Mary, my sweet Mary…this is the end of a good run…I’m sure you’ll be fine without me after all you have over a billion other admires worldwide. It may take me some time to adjust to living without you. But that’s just something I have to deal with. Thank you for the good times, you will always be timeless.

Your ex-lover, Trump

Terver “Trump” Malu is an
entrepreneur and the self
proclaimed undisputed King of
Monopoly board game.
He is also the CEO of manswersonline
http://www.manswersonline.com

Test-the-Terone by Sally

Test-the-Terone ...for men and the women who really know them

THE 5 MEN YOU SHOULDN’T LEAVE ALONE WITH YOUR WOMAN

I am not an expert on men and relationships and I don’t claim to be. Honestly, I think trying to figure out the chemistry between two people is a lot of work. However, I have come to realize that these days a lot of relationships hit rock bottom because of the way they were started. Now I’m not talking about one night stands or casual, short term flings. I mean steadies. Maybe not for marriage because hey, who knows tomorrow? I am talking of a real romantic affair between two consenting adults. Could be they just started dating or they’re about to… whichever it is, it can work but it will take a real man to start the fire and keep his own half of the flame burning for a prolonged time.

Many a male species have no idea that they can get any woman to fall in love with them. Yes, I said it. ANY woman. Might not be truth but it’s fact. Tested and proven – and witnessed by me. Ever wondered why certain guys are chick magnets and they have nothing in their resume but sugar-coated tongues? That’s because the rest of their male counterparts assume that without money there is no love devotion. I don’t blame them because the average Nigerian woman believes the same thing. Nevertheless I am not talking about money today but about real men. I hate blankets, generalizing and stereotypes and that is why I wrote this exposé for the unusual man who is not lazy and would take his time to woo the woman of his dreams. To do this, he must borrow a leaf from each type of man below.

1. The Bad Boy [Fally Ipupa]

My personal favorite. Everyone knows the bad boy when he walks in because all the ladies turn his way. He announces his presence with attitude, flirts with every female around and rides off into the sunset with the most desired of damsels. Why? He has three things most men don’t. Mystery, spontaneity and confidence. He believes he is God’s gift to women and he has taken his time to perfect the art of wooing and seduction. It is no small task to be this guy and that is why amateurs who claim to be players always end up coming off as the ‘A’ word. A bad boy, because of his experience with the opposite sex, always knows what they want, gives it to them and asks later if they liked it. And believe me the answer is always ‘yes!’ Try to decipher his thoughts or next move and you will be lost.

However, this type of guy has his bad sides, and the worst being he easily gets bored and is scared of hanging around long enough to be the nice guy. He’s a wuss when the ‘L’ word is mentioned and runs from it like it is the bubonic plague. Bad to the bone they say but I believe there are a lot of good lessons to be learned from him.

2. The Gentleman [ Banky W]

Every mother’s dream. Just recently I was telling a friend about another friend and I went “he’s such a gentleman,” and she was like, “awwwww…” Yeah, women want the guy that holds doors for them, pulls out chairs, lends them a crying shoulder and cuddles them to sleep. This guy is not afraid to listen to her talk. He might find cooking torture but he will help her slice the onions and blend the pepper while she cooks. He remembers she casually mentioned that she loves strawberry yoghurt and gets it for her the next time he visits. He is faithful, self-giving, gentle and more importantly, mature.

However, he can get too predictable and boring and eventually become the lady’s doormat. Apart from that, he is a man any woman would take home to meet her parents, that is if the bad boy has not whisked her away by now.

3. The Lover Boy [Van Vicker]

Hopeless Romantic. He is a man who is cheesy but very sweet. He has all the tricks up his sleeves on how to court a woman and can be downright unabashed about it. He also has a catalog of the right words to make her melt and the precise mood as well. Like the bad boy, he knows what gets a woman but sees it from a different angle. The heart guides his actions and he seeks to connect to another’s on a deeper level than the usual. He is the type to take a woman out on a walk just to declare his love, snuggle up at the back of the cinema to neck and kiss, buy gifts that she could have as keepsakes, cook dinner and eat under candlelight (this comes in handy when NEPA strikes), and dance to slow music. He is very imaginative, creative and sensitive—all attributes that women adore. A lover boy is often very good in the sack and knows how to please a woman. He is not afraid to look into her eyes and tell her how he feel s even if it’s in public.

However, he tends to become too mushy and goes fully into overkill. He calls too much, texts too much and begins to declare his feelings for his lady love on not only his Facebook wall but on hers, thereby, crowding her. That aside, history has it that lover boys have won the hearts of countless females with cheesy behavior and words we would generally call clichés. If you don’t believe ask King Solomon.

4. The Macho Man [Didier Drogba]

The Alpha Male. The picture in your head is of this strong, muscular dude who goes around with a menacing frown, right? Well, you’re not far from the truth but I have seen a few macho men who were quite the opposite, yet contained the characteristic s of a strong male. He is usually assertive, self-conscious and strong. I mean, in a world where real men are scarce and the scourge of the metrosexual is beginning to spread like wild fire, macho men are highly appreciated by the female population. This type of man is his lady’s knight in shining armor and loves the attention he gets when he defends her honor. His pride will not let him walk away from his manly responsibilities and for fear of being considered weak and eventually being overtaken by a more capable brother, he would do everything within his power to keep his woman.

However, he might become too cocky, excessively jealous and aggressive. Without these fatal features, a woman will feel protected and extremely special around him.

5. The Comedian-[Basket Mouth]

The Entertainer. Laughter is really the best medicine for the soul and with all the stress of today, a woman wants to just come home, stretch her feet and have a good laugh. You might be successful as all four above, plus with a loaded pocket but without a sense of humor, you would become a salad without the salad dressing. Walk into a public place and see a guy surrounded by four or five chicks, what is he making them do? My guess is as good as yours. It is simple science. You make her laugh, she is happy, the walls are broken down and she begins to see you in a different light. Who no want better tin? Now, don’t go throwing inappropriate jokes or expensive ones about her weight and age. You will get the boot. This is the trick you don’t know: the comedian is not always funny but clowns are (more like annoying). The comedian knows when to chip in a joke and how to tell it while making clear with his eyes and other micro-expressions that he is not here to joke. This brother loves life and carries no weight on his shoulders.

However, some guys don’t know how to kill it when it is too good to be true and immaturity sets in but on a good day he who makes her laugh, lasts. I mean it, jokes apart.

So there you have it. Not once was money mentioned as a decisive factor. Still think number 6 guy should be The Maga? Please leave a comment.

similar post–> Test-the-Terone (digging for dirt)

Test-the-Terone (the stupid maga)

MBAHENEN… Ten Years

mbahenen 2

I can’t remember how we met or when exactly but there are things that I will never forget about you.
I remember how you used to come to my room early in the morning to wake me for lectures. I hated school and I hated the fact that you always came to drag me to it but I’m glad you did and guess what, I graduated and I’m married to the one guy you said I loved and we have a kid.
I remember how you loved cooking for everyone in the house and enjoyed doing the dishes after and bitch about it later on. When you left, I dreamt that we threw a huge party at the house and you cooked for the guests. You came into our room and saw me crying and was mad at me. You told me to go out and eat and have fun. I did but when I returned to the room, you were gone. When I woke up, your side of the bed was empty and that day it hit home that you were really gone.
I remember you talking about Bishop so much. Well, guess what, I finally met him and he was all you said he was. Who knew he’d be my next door neighbor?
I remember the day you represented your group in a presentation in Lecture Hall 2. You stood on that aisle and talked with your famous go-screw-yourselves attitude. It was hilarious for Godiya, Blessing and I but you should have seen the faces of the effikos and goody two-shoes. It was priceless! They thought you were another pretty face; they were shocked at your guts and brains. Oh and so was that oostaz lecturer. He just kept looking at you with that naughty grin on his face. Your group scored the highest. Lol!
I remember how you used to share your things with me without reservation and how half of all I had was yours. Where will I find a friend like you?
I remember you loved to play your favourite song every morning over and over to Nenge’s annoyance. yeah, and you loved to dance. We partied a lot, you and I. Those were the days.
I remember you changing your mind about following me back to school that early morning exactly ten years ago. Why did you change your mind. You had been planning for that computer lecture and even persuaded me to go. Why didn’t you come with me?
I remember your naughty, bribing smile as you wove. I was too mad at you to wave back. Can’t stop biting myself for allowing my last emotion towards you to be anger. You looked so lovely in your red, spaghetti top and black hipsters. You were so beautiful. Is there anyway you could like maybe come back? Is it possible?
I remember how Godiya and Ifeoma and a bunch of our friends visited (as if they sensed it) and how it was loud until a moment of sadness pervaded the sitting room like an angel had passed by. Someone (can’t recall who) said we could be here laughing and Mbahenen was gone. No one laughed because it was not a funny joke. We all felt it. Somehow I think you passed through us that afternoon.
I can’t forget you, sweetie. You lived life like you knew its mysteries. I miss you and one day, we will be together and you can cook for me again.
Rest In Peace Mbahenen Theresa Nyager
I Love you.

Better Served Cold pt2 (THE UNPUBLISHED TALES OF A LAGOS PLAYBOY)

Story by LND

What is the one poison that when you administer to someone, it works its way down your body, killing you instead?

“Arrrgh!” Leo screamed and ground his teeth as Idara pulled out a bullet from his thigh, “oh my God! I am seeing stars, ID.”

“How didn’t you feel the bullet? Was the adrenaline pumping that hard?” Idara asked but Leo just shivered. “Sometimes I wonder whether you have a death wish or something,” she looked at the bullet and gave it to him, “add it to the inventory you’re collecting.”

Leo murmured inaudibly and went into deep sleep. He slipped in and out of consciousness so many times that he lost track of time. When he eventually woke up, four days had gone by. He opened his eyes to a strange room and found himself lying on a comfortable bed that smelled of lemons and coconut. He looked around and knew he was in Idara’s bedroom. She was sitting before the mirror, applying makeup. Leo painfully pulled himself up and looked at her with bloodshot eyes.

“What time is it?”

“8:30pm, Friday.”

“Friday? Wow!” he pressed his lips together, “I taste blood in my mouth. Why?”

“I’m not a doctor. If you need consultation, go to the hospital.”

“Thanks for saving my life, by the way. How did I get in here?” he looked at her lithe frame, “did you carry…”

“I had my gateman carry you in. You destroyed my couch and Persian rug with your dirty blood.”

“What did the captain do this time? You sound so pissed.”

“He just dumped me,” Idara turned around to face him, “he walked in and saw you and looked at me straight in the eyes and said I had cut him deeper than an enemy’s sword and told me it was over. Two years of being with a man and you would think he would have the decency to let you off easy, but nooooo. He just dismissed me as if I were one of his dogs. Well, serves me right for trying to help you,” she ended angrily.

“It’s all my fault now?”

She walked to him, “do you know how much the captain puts in my account every month?”

“I will double it.”

“Do you know the respect I get from just being associated with him?”

Leo winced at the dull ache in his thigh, “what has respect got to do with it? Everyone knows you’re his mistress.”

She pointed at the door, “get off my bed and get out.”

“Okay, I’m sorry, that came out wrong. You’re his girlfriend?” Leo smiled.

“The thanks I get for saving your life! Imagine if you had collapsed somewhere and they didn’t have the experience to remove bullets, you would have bled out and died!”

Leo drew back his head and looked at her carefully, “time of the month? Pregnant?”

“Get out of my house, Leonel!”

“Can I have a drink of water at least?”

“Get out!” she screamed and burst into tears.

“Okay, now, I’m going.”

He tried to get off the bed but she pushed him back.

“Why are you like this? You can’t even console me in my tears?”

“For what nau? Na me dump you?”

“I hate you!” she began pounding her fists at him but he held her hands and shoved her away from him. Angrily, she marched to the dressing table and produced an envelope, “this came in for you yesterday.” She flung the it at him and he caught it, feeling it with his fingers.

“Who delivered it?”

She sniffed and wiped her eyes, “I don’t know.”

He opened the envelope and pulled out a card with ‘I’m Sorry’ boldly written on it. He flipped the card open and read out loud: “I’m sorry for what will become of you by this time tomorrow.”

“Let me see,’ Idara snatched the card and read the message again.

“You said this came in when?” Leo asked.

“Yesterday, at about ten. Who sent it?”

“Can I have your phone, please?”

Idara readily handed her cell phone to him and he dialed someone. As he waited for a response, he looked at her, “pack a bag; we’re going away for the weekend. Yeah?” he spoke into the phone, “hello? Get everything set,” he terminated the call.

“Don’t you have respect? I am two years older than you and I do not say this proudly…but who do you think you are to just come into my house and push me around like that?”

“Idara, if I leave you here, I don’t know what the general’s boys will do to you. Just…please, listen to me for once in your life. You will enjoy what is about to come out of this. And you will be safer with me, I promise you.”

“Am I to trust you?”

“You’re my best friend, ID, my Aphrodite,” he winked and she released a smile, “you know you can trust me.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Leo ran as fast and far as his legs could take him. He could hear his heart beating wildly, about to explode in his chest but he just kept moving. He saw her from afar but he felt he was not fast enough. Any delay could spell disaster. He saw people, strangers, most of them, female, heard them shouting and saw their phones in the air, taking pictures and recording Idara’s insanity.

“IDARA!” his voice rang far and she turned to him with pain in her eyes. The sun was just rising and she looked to him like an angel for there was a certain glow over her veil which hung loosely above her head.

“Leo?” she said in a whisper and he alone heard it. He slowed down when he got to the scene. He knew the phones were turned to him but none of that mattered. All that mattered was her life which she was about to stupidly waste because of him.

“Idara,’ he tried to catch his breath, “don’t do it, sweetie. Don’t.”

She looked around her like she was in a strange place. She was standing over the edge of the top of a three storey building and was about to jump.

“Leo…” her brown eyes watered when she looked at him. He was wearing only his boxers and shame was scrawled over his face.

“Why?” she mouthed.

“Please, stop this madness, ID. Come down and we will talk.”

“How could you? You said I should follow you; you said if I stay with you I will be safe; you said if I married you my life will get better… Is it better? Mm? answer me, Leonel! I am talking to you! is it better? They murdered my whole family last night…”

Leo bent his head.

“They killed my mother and brothers, they burnt my house…”

“I am so sorry…”

“Then I walk into your room to share my pain with you but I find you in bed with another girl on the night of my bridal shower? You who wouldn’t sleep with me, who told me I was too good for you to share your bed….”

“Sweetie, come down.”

She shook her head, “no. I have to do this and you have to take the blame for it.”

“Idara, don’t do it. I…love you.”

She laughed, “no you don’t.”

“Please,” his voice shook desperately, “please come down!”

“You must take the blame for it,” she smiled a sad smile and jumped.

It was all distant to Leo like an odd, formless dream but it actually happened. Someone had screamed piercingly and he had heard a sound that didn’t sound real to him. Idara had actually fallen to the ground below, the ground he was standing on. There was a moment of silence and then screams and gasps and more screams. His hands were suspended midair where he had left them in the last minute to stop her from falling to her death. Why didn’t he break her fall?

“Call a doctor!” a girl screamed.

Leo had seen many deaths and watched people die in front of him but none of them had died for him. None of them had to pay the price of just being with him. But Idara, his Aphrodite. He always knew he had a curse but he didn’t know it was this bad…

“She’s alive!” he heard someone say and he rushed to Idara. His knees hit the ground and he lifted her in his arms.

“What happened?” she looked confused and slightly dazed.

“You had an accident. Hold on; we’ll get you a doctor,” he assured her as he saw a doctor running to the scene.

“I can’t feel my body. What happened to me?”

“You are fine,” he looked up to the rising sun gratefully, “you are fine.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Leo looked at the four girls before him, all disheveled and drowsy and smelling like a local alcohol joint. He had slept with all four of them at some point and had gone nuts over each, apart from one. He would like to think their lives were not any better because he had dumped them but they were looking good, considering. The hangover that hung over them was as a result of heavy drinking from last night’s bridal shower. Now, they all looked like something the cat dragged in, something not really bad… He had sat them down on a long couch in one of the guest sitting rooms, a large retro-looking room in the east wing of his family’s villa in Mambilla Hills. The first girl on his left was Felicia. She was a banker and had long, supple legs that he would never forget. His eyes strolled from her feet all the way up her thighs and he stopped there as she lifted one leg and put it over the armrest, exposing what he did not remember too fondly. He was drunk that night and you know what they say, agro na bastard. Next person. Bukky was very fair and had thick, Yoruba lips but she had a smoky voice that he just wanted to hear right now. She cleared her throat and in anticipation, he leaned forward and then she yawned and he almost fainted. Next! His eyes strolled to his right at the formidable duo, Ada and Chi-chi, two juicy Igbo friends who screwed his life over with their possession of too much sense. He had not played Ada and Chi-chi; they had played him. His eyes went back to Bukky. She was the nicest of the four and the classiest, forget her breath. He leaned back all the same, he didn’t want to carry phlegm in his throat all day long.

“Bukky, how did you get the invitation to get here?”

“Mm?” she yawned and looked left and right dazedly, “what did you… what did he say? What…” she mumbled incoherently and Leo sighed and repeated his question. “Oh!” she yawned and spoke, her voice sounding more huskier, “how did I? well, I was just coming from…coming in from work on Thursday evening when my gateman gave me a parcel with my name on it. I opened it and brought out a Gucci bag.”

“Me, I got mine in the office,” Felicia began.

“I wasn’t asking you, Felicia.”

“I wonder, oh.” Chi-chi said snidely.

“Continue, Bukky.”

“I threw the bag in the dustbin…” Bukky said with an ajebutter expression of sophistication.

Felicia drew in a long, exaggerated breath and looked at Bukky aghast, “that bag was sold for two hundred and fifty thousand Naira and you threw it away?”

“Felicia…” Leo cautioned again.

“Sorry, but it just doesn’t make sense, oh. Every girl in Lagos wanted one of those bags. I knew a girl who was willing to pay four hundred thousand for my own but I refused,” she turned to Leo, “let me tell you how I got my own.” She nodded and began, “mm-hm! I took excuse from my boss to close early, that my mother was sick. So I took a bus from CMS because I had withdrawn every last dime I had to get the bag and I couldn’t afford a red cab. When I got to Awolowo Road, come and see girls! They were over one million!”

Ada and Chi-chi burst into laughter but she continued.

“I was about to join them when one car just pulled up beside me and gave me a polythene bag. Before I could say ‘what is it?’ the car drove off.

“Did you see who it was that gave you the bag?” Leo asked.

“The guy was tall…” she lifted her hand, “no, short.’ She lifted the other hand and used it as a scale, “the car is here and the man is…short! He’s short in complexion.”

The Igbo girls laughed again.

“So I opened the polythene bag and to my greatest surprise, what is there? The Gucci handbag. I quietly left the place and hailed one red cab and vamoosed! And after that…”

“It’s okay, Felicia,’ Leo said and it was as if he turned off a switch as she turned to sleep immediately. Yeah, he remembered this about her. She was the one who slept off after sex like a man. Then who was the one that sang ‘if walls could talk’ to him all night?

“Aren’t you going to ask us how we got ours?” it was Chi-chi, the younger of the friends, the mistress of seduction and mystery that spoke up. She was one of Leo’s nemesis, he had quite a few but none that could ultimately outwit him as Chi-chi did. He wanted to be locked in a room with her right now to have his revenge.

“Leonel, stop thinking below your waist,” she always knew his thoughts.

“How did you get the bags?” he asked.

“What do we get if we answer your question?”

“Must everything be money to you?”

“Must everything be sex to you?”

“Get serious, Chiamaka,” he looked away from her teasing eyes.

“So you’re suspecting the four of us?”

“Yes, and with good reason.”

“Good reason? Your stupid girlfriend…”

“Fiancé,” Ada corrected.

“She jumped off from the roof! You were there; you watched her jump because of you and you’re here suspecting us.”

Bukky said gently, “Leo, none of us were even there when it happened. We were all asleep.”

“Ehen! You woke us up nau,” Felicia also contributed.

“My fiancé was almost murdered today…”

“She tried to commit suicide,” Chi-chi interjected.

“Shut up!” his voice was so sharp, they all remained still. “I said someone tried to kill her. She jumped off because she was drugged. Which one of you is responsible?”

“Ah! Kill keh?” Felicia shook her head, “not me oh! I don’t even like you like that, Leo. I just came here because I thought guys will be here for bachelor’s party.”

“Olodo!” Chi-chi laughed, “Leo, how did you do this illiterate? Is bridal shower the same as bachelor’s eve?”

Felicia, obviously intimidated by Chi-chi turned away and said under her breath, “na you get your mouth.”

“Ehen, better person!” Chi-chi faced Leo and placed a hand on his knee, “what if I tell you that I have a suspect? Will I become your new wife?”

“Chi-chi, be serious in your life. Someone almost got killed. If you know the person, tell him,” Ada chided her. Leo looked at Ada but she looked away and he did not miss the pain in her eyes that surfaced briefly. This one loved him but he broke her heart. In revenge, she sent her friend after him. When he found out who the friend was, he went to back to Ada and begged to be reconciled and she accepted. Feeling like the bad guy, he thought he had both friends under his spell. In the end, they made away, in a cleverly planned scheme, with a whooping sum of five hundred thousand dollars from him.

“Yeah, someone almost died…” Chi-chi murmured but Ada cut in, desperate to say her story and leave the place.

“Chi-chi and I got a drop-off at our house early Thursday morning. There was a knock and that was all. When I opened the door, I saw a plastic bag and when I looked in, there were the advertized bags.”

“You found the flight ticket and the other stuff within?”

“Flight ticket and ashebi material,” Chi-chi answered, “all there. I must commend you, Leo. Great work! You had the sense to sell a bag that was going for 50k in the market for 250k and the whole of Lagos girls, fought and clawed and bitchslapped each other for those bags.”

“Only twenty of them, oh” Felicia stirred from her sleep.

“Sixteen actually,” Bukky added, “we had the last four.”

Chi-chi stretched out her hand to Bukky, “nice to meet you. I’m girlfriend number who-knows, April to July 2008.”

Bukky eyed her, “keep your hand to yourself, whore. He left me for you.”

“What did you just call me?” Chi-chi narrowed her eyes at her.

“Whore! You were the one buying him those smelling perfumes and cufflinks.”

“It’s called investment, Yoruba monkey! Come and meet me to teach you how to keep a man, fat fool! Mtcheeeeew!”

Bukky rose up towered over Chi-chi and rained down cusses on her, her ajebutterness disappearing. Wolf in sheep clothing she was.

“Oloriburuku, omo ale, olosha, oloshi….!”

Chi-chi stood up and Felicia moved away from the couch silently and watched them tear at each other with dirty words. None of them noticed when Leo got up and slipped away. As much as he was tempted to watch the drama, he had to find out who tried to murder Idara and what drugs they had used. She was in an induced coma to help keep her alive but her health was deteriorating fast. He wanted desperately to go see her but her mother and brothers were there. Yes, they didn’t die; the drugs had befuddled her mind into thinking they did.

Leo knew none of his exes had the heart or brains for murder but he knew they were involved and they had no idea. He had many enemies but the top three were flashing on his radar.

Number One: The general. Debbie’s husband. He had caught Leo in bed with his wife and had left a bullet in his thigh. But like a mad dog who had just tasted blood, Leo couldn’t resist the urge to be with Debbie. In fact, she was in his room, at the south wing of the villa, waiting for him. Twenty-four hours ago, she had called him and told him she had escaped from her husband and needed somewhere to hide. Leo sent a helicopter and a message to the general to come get his wife if he had the balls. At night when he was asleep, someone walked into his room boldly and stood at the foot of the bed, watching him with intent. When he woke fully, the apparition was gone. He did not need an angel to tell him who it was. It was his second enemy and the deadliest. The captain.

Number Two: the captain was just a name given to the man who was also known as the generals’ general. Men of ranking in the army called him their boss but Leo didn’t care. Idara was the captain’s ex girlfriend and because the captain had banded with the general, Leo repaid him by proposing to Idara. The wedding was in two weeks. It was the buzz of Lagos. On Thursday morning, the doors to Duchess Nigeria had opened to a stream of desperate females gushing in to shop. Expensively dressed ladies who held classy airs just a few minutes before while waiting outside on the popular Awolowo Road in Ikoyi, were now pushing, jabbing, elbowing each other and knocking down clothes in the classy boutique as they headed for the bags section. Two weeks prior to this, Idara had posted ads on Facebook, newspapers, websites and even on leodara.com (a website for the wedding) for this particular rush. She had  purchased twenty Gucci handbags of limited edition and was selling them for a whooping two hundred and fifty thousand Naira but the catch was anyone who was lucky enough to get one of the handbags had an express invitation to her wedding and an all-expense-paid trip to spend a weekend at Leo’s family villa were the bridal shower would be holding. Idara, ever the business mind, thought it was a brilliant way to make money when Junior initially presented her with the idea.

Number Three: Junior. She was a girl. The last child of her parents, following six other girls. It had been prophesied that she would be a boy and be named after her father. She was born female but the name stuck. Now, fondly called Jay, Junior held an IQ of 170 and a crush for Leo the size of a mountain, although she kept her feelings hidden. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Leo had kept Jay not just as a younger sister but as a friend. She was smart with books but dumb when it came to men. She always used the cliché ‘damsel in distress’ approach and Leo allowed her believe it worked. When he broke the news of his engagement to Idara, he found it quite curious that she showed no emotion, good or bad. She just said in clear tones that she be allowed to plan the wedding. Idara, oblivious of Jay’s feelings for Leo, couldn’t resist the offer because at just twenty-five, Jay had already topped the list of well-known event planners in Lagos.

Walking to his side of the villa, Leo pulled off his player face and brought out his ruthless side. He didn’t like this side of him but he had no choice. He had told Idara to trust him and she did but now her life was hanging on the edge of that trust. He had to find who was behind her attempted murder and he had to do it fast. He numbed every feeling of desire and pleasure within him and walked into his bedroom. Debbie was still asleep.

“Debs?”

She stirred and woke up.

“Get up and get dressed. We’re going out.”

To be continued…

similar posts–> In full view, Parts 3-8

In Full View pt 1 (THE UNPUBLISHED TALES OF A LAGOS PLAYBOY)

Story by LND

Three men walked into a market place stark
naked. When I say stark naked, I mean with
nothing on. No boxers, no singlet…nothing. But
each had an accessory on. The first had a belt
around his waist, the second had a pair of shoes
on and the third wore sunglasses. Now, which of
these was the most insane?
* * * * * * * *
Debbie was my coursemate in school. I first saw
her in Sociology 101, a stupid course that meant
nothing to me. I hated the professor and all
sociology students. Don’t ask me why. That day,
it was hot and the tight class we were all
crammed in was pungent with stale breaths and
body odor. Professor Lité walked into the class,
started his boring lecture and halfway, he
stopped and said, “I can’t continue this class.
You are all smelling!” and with flared nostrils, he
bounced out. Debbie, who was sitting at the
front row, turned around in frustration and the
pen in my mouth dropped to the floor.
Daaaaamn! The girl was fine! She had one of the
most beautiful frustrated faces I have ever seen.
I have seen a few and yes, I was responsible for
the frustration—I say this smugly. Yeah, back to
the girl…Debbie… yeah, Debbie! Now, I’m no
romantic so I don’t waste time on her face. My
eyes slowly strolled down to get what I was
craving for at the moment but I don’t get the
chance to see the rest of the package when one
sordid mistake of a human being blocked my
view. I hiss and pick my pen and walk out. I will
see Debbie another day but right now, I had
other fish to fry.
That was a long time ago and right now I can’t
remember what year it was but I saw her again
in 2009. I was driving out of Silverbird Galleria
after breaking up with my girlfriend. With angry
thoughts having a ball in my head, I almost ran
into someone on the street.
“What the hell are you…?” I began but broke off
when I saw her. I didn’t recognize her at first
because I wasn’t looking at her face. I could
have sworn, it was the body of Beyoncé, Halle
Berry and Kim Kardashian all in one and I
almost hit her with my ugly, ugly car.
“What is wrong with you?” a shrill female voice
rang in my ears and it all came back to me.
Images of she and I together in school, at the
school café, at my place, in Love Garden, behind
the theater hall, in my car…
“Debbie?”
Her face also changed and she spoke my name,
“Leo?”
* * * * * * * *
We left galleria late that night and I walked her
all the way to a gated estate in VI, a very
exclusive place for wealthy people. Standing at
her doorstep, she told me her sad story of how
she was forced to marry this rich general who
was twice her age just because he was her
father’s friend. The general frequently abused
her and got pleasure from doing it, hitting every
part of her body but avoiding her face. She had
been married to him for six years and it had
been torture the whole time. She attempted
running away once but he caught her and
stabbed her eleven times. She survived but her
courage died. Seeing tears in her eyes, I felt
what she was going through and I just wanted
to hold her and comfort her. What was wrong
with that? After all, she was my girlfriend once.
However, I restrained myself, left her a few
comforting words and turned to say goodbye.
Then it happened. She pulled me back and
kissed me fully on my lips and then I
remembered……
“What’s your name?”
“What is my name?” Debbie asked, “why do you
want to know my name?”
“Because I want to kiss you and say your name
after – breathlessly.”
Despite herself, Debbie smiled that hot day in
February 2000. Yes, 2000! That was the year I
discovered, dated, deflowered and dumped
Debbie. And here she was again, falling into
another trap. Aren’t girls silly?
“Debs, we can’t do this. You are married…”
She put her finger to my lips and pulled me into
the house. Well, you know what they say about
stolen water and it being sweet.
We continued like this for a while and because I
was seeing two other girls on the side, I never
invited Debbie home. Her house was always the
pit of sin and it was always after dark. There was
no fear of being caught because her husband
was away and was not going to be home in a
while. However, I did a terrible thing. I
mentioned my affair with Debbie to the captain
and I think that was where kasala started
brewing. He said nothing but smiled one of his
devious smiles and passed me a glass of brandy.
It was a Friday, and against all reason, I went to
Debbie’s under shining sun to scratch an itch; I
was willing to spread my net in the full view of
the birds. Debbie received me with open arms
and didn’t hesitate to lead me to her bedroom.
Doing it on her husband’s matrimonial bed was
her way of getting back at him. To me, it was my
way of getting back what I had missed. I nodded
pleasurably at this thought and smiled up at her
as she sat astride me. She looked down at me
with lustful eyes. She didn’t love me; I didn’t
love her. It was just sex that was going to end
smoothly when her husband got back……
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! How true that
was. He did get back. Oh my crazy goodness! It
was like slow motion. Not slow motion where a
guy and a girl are running in the field with
flailing arms and floaty expressions! No, not that
one. Slow motion like Matrix. Debbie and I were
lost in our world when the door slowly opened.
At first, I saw no one behind it but it pushed
open fully and lying on my back, I saw this huge
image of a man standing at the door with red,
blazing eyes. Debbie had no idea what was about
to happen as I saw him, in Matrix slow motion,
lifting his gleaming hand to my direction.
Gleaming with a weapon, that is, a 9mm Beretta.
I did not wait to wonder if it was loaded. I know
what a Beretta can do. With my right hand, I
shoved Debbie off me and while I was doing that,
I was already off the bed and to the floor,
landing on my other free hand, and with a
spring motion I tapped the floor with the tip of
the soles of my feet, lifted my boxers with my
right hand and sprang up again. The window
was my destination as I laid my left hand on its
frame and hoisted my whole 85kg up and over. It
was then I heard the click. It sounded almost
silent against Debbie’s terrified screaming but I
heard it and still in Matrix slow motion, a bullet
wheezed past me, missing my earlobe by a
breath. I was now in the air and I heard shots
and bullets flying by. Instinct made me dodge
and miss one but I thank the Lord for gravity. If
I hadn’t landed to the ground below, I would
have died.
Above me there were still shots and screams but
I no wan know. I just dey run for my life because
that man was ready to take me out of the estate
in a military rucksack. Imagine the sight! Me,
Leonel, one of Nigeria’s youngest billionaires for
no reason, hawt playboy, psychologist,
professional hypnotist running with nothing on
but my bare skin, the way my mama born me.
Chai! Leo, you don chop the one wey pass you.
But na today?
I ran to my car and thanked God it was a
convertible. No time to open the door because
with my back eyes (I have four and a half of
them) I spotted the general coming after me… or
was it Debbie? She was naked too, running for
her dear life, jumping over flowerpots and
screaming out my name. I could have laughed
but I just wanted to get out of that estate ASAP.
I jumped into my car and I love my car, people. I
think it was waiting for me already revved up. As
I flew into it, it just drove off. After I passed five
houses I dared to glance into my rearview. I saw
nothing and no one and heaved a sigh. Yet, I
kept on, the breeze blowing my… I looked down.
Where are my boxers? I was sure I took them out
of the house. How did I lose them? I was
approaching the security gate now and had
nothing on to cover my jewels. What to do…
what to do… I asked as I lifted the hood of the
convertible over me. What to do…
I saw a pair of sunglasses on the passenger seat
beside me… Hey, don’t blame a guy for trying. it
was all I got. Slowing the car as I came to the
gate, I lifted the glasses to my eyes and slipped
them on. I mean, I can wear it on knowing no
one has to see the embarrassment in my eyes but
I could see theirs.

similar posts –> Better Served Cold, Parts 3-8

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